Midnight Sun - Chapter 7
Mar. 15th, 2023 05:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
esmeandfictionWell . . . nothing much happened last chapter besides Wardo being an ass as usual and Bawla’s hemophobia showing up before it will disappear.
The chapter begins with Wardo driving back to school and waiting in his car for his siblings. Bawla’s scent now fills the car and Wardo is breathing it in, trying to conquer his supposed rabid thirst for her blood.
So as you see, we’re off to a riveting start as usual.
He’s trying to figure out if Bawla is attracted to him, which causes him to go into a dumb spiel about the nature of attraction.
It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many meanings and levels.
Yeah, sometimes attraction means someone has a nice ass and sometimes it means they have nice boobs. So many meanings and levels, so DEEP AND COMPLEX!
Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.
No.
No, no, no, no, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! Attraction is an ENTIRELY SEPARATE THING from love. I think Scarlett Johannson and Anne Hathaway are attractive, along with a buttload of other celebrities. Does that mean I’m in love with them? Of COURSE not! I can be at the mall and notice that a customer has a nice ass, but am I in love with that complete stranger? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Hell, there are plenty of good-looking people who are also complete dicks.
Then again, this is Meyer, so I really shouldn’t be surprised that she thinks attraction is ALWAYS tied up in love and it’s impossible to separate the two.
Wardo wonders if her ”mental silence” will get more and more frustrating as time passes because HOW DARE SHE KEEP HER THOUGHTS FROM HIM! He tries to analyze her physical responses to him and compare them to those of other females (not males, since homosexuality doesn’t exist in Meyerland) who have the hots for him, but realizes that increased heartrate and shortness of breath could also mean she’s afraid of him. Wardo thinks about the fantasies Jessica used to have about him, ”that used to repulse me” (since after all, how dare an icky BLONDE imagine going anywhere near him!), but this time he imagines Bella having the fantasies instead.
I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.
Nope, pretty sure that’s your dick, Wardo.
He starts imagining her touching him and caressing him ”with my arms wrapped around her fragile body,” since we can’t forget how weak and breakable Bawla is, but of course he cuts off the fantasy before it gets too erotic for Meyer’s sensibilities – oops, I mean before it reaches the part where he eats Bawla. He lament s how he’s ”too attracted to Bella in the worst way.” He’s probably trying to push down his vampire erection too.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
I think Alice might want Bella to be attracted to her, a woman to a woman, especially since she barely does anything with her actual boyfriend.
But oh, poor Wardo, he laments that he’s ”not a human man, and that wasn’t fair to her.” Wardo, if you could read Bawla’s mind, you’d see that she turns her nose up at humans and thinks they’re beneath her. In other words, she’s just like you.
But WOE IS WARDO, now he wishes he WERE a human even though he sneers at how inferior they are all the time. He tells us that he’s ”never felt so human in my whole life—not even when I was human, as far as I could recall.” Well you could have fooled me there, but hey, a story about a vampire who looks down on humans and sees them as inferior until they fall in love with a human and as such that forces them to start looking at humans in a different light could actually make a decent story, but that would require actually writing character development instead of six hundred pages of “I’m so awesome I’m so superior I’m better than you at everything” – and as we all know, both Bawla and Wardo will continue sneering at humans for the entirety of this series.
Anyway, Wardo then tells us about how when he was a human, he longed to fight in World War 1, saying ”The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence, and I’d been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck."
Um, Wardo? Yes, the war was going on through most of your teenage years, but America didn’t officially enter the war until THE LAST YEAR OF FIGHTING. The war ENDED only a year after we entered it! So even if you hadn’t gotten sick, you still probably wouldn’t have fought in the war.
Wardo says he only vaguely remembers his biological mother, but he remembers that he loved her and that she didn’t want him to fight in the war and she prayed every night that it would end.
Besides my mother’s love, there was no other love that made me wish to stay.
So I guess you had no friends when you were human? I mean, that doesn’t surprise me given how dickheaded you are, but you don’t seem to have any real friends outside your vampire “family” either.
Come to think of it, Meyer doesn’t seem to value platonic friendship that much. Bawla barely tolerates her human classmates and is always privately sneering at them, no one in the Cullen family except Carlisle seem to have any sort of friendships outside of their “family,” and it seems like any sort of platonic relationship has to turn into either a familial one or a romantic one. Even Jacob ends up being an in-law to the Cullens since he was brainwashed into falling in love with Bawla’s creepy baby.
I don’t know what to conclude from this, but I know I don’t like it.
Oh, and of course we must emphasize that Edturd has NEVER HAD ANY ROMANTIC FEELINGS EVER before he saw Bawla. After all, if you’re attracted to ANYONE before you meet your Forever and Ever True Love, that means your love isn’t true enough! You can’t have ANY attraction to anyone else, even if your Twu Luv hasn’t been BORN yet!
Wardo looks at his hands (which are described as ”white hands,” since Meyer must remind us that the beautiful vampires are all pale white, no unfortunate implications there, nope) and hates ”their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strength,” which could actually lead to some decent character development except that we know it won’t.
Emmett arrives, which actually surprises Wardo, and Emmett is surprised that he surprised Wardo. Emmett wonders what Wardo was up to until he catches a whiff of Bawla’s smell in the car. I’m getting sick of hearing about Bawla’s smell, but I have a feeling we’re going to hear a lot more about it. For that matter, we haven’t been given any sense of what Bawla smells like.
Emmett jokes that ”she does have quite a flavor, doesn’t she?” which of course causes Wardo to snarl at him. Only Wardo is allowed to fantasize about eating her, understand? The other siblings arrive and Rosalie also catches Bawla’s scent, glaring at Wardo and thinking insults at him (have we mentioned that blondes are bitches?).
I didn’t like Jasper’s reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella’s appeal. Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had from me, but it still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control.
Thanks Meyer, Jasper was creepy enough already without giving him rapey undertones. Again, the guy doesn’t even WANT to be a “vegetarian” vampire – why the HELL are you letting him go to high school?
Anyway, Alice holds out her hand for Bawla’s truck key because she saw a vision of herself driving Bawla’s truck home, I guess. Of course, Wardo still won’t give her permission to talk to Bawla even though she doesn’t NEED Wardo’s permission to talk to her. Again, I can only assume it’s because she’s a wimminz who needs the menfolk to tell her what to do.
Meyer, what was that you were saying about Alice being an example of “girl power”?
Edturd gives Alice the key and follows her as she drives to Bawla’s house and of course we get this.
The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that Bella’s human ears might not hear the thunder of the truck’s engine.
Blah blah blah yes we get it humans are inferior in every way shape and form blah blah blah.
Wardo laments that he can’t hear Bawla’s thoughts to make sure she’s doing all right – I can practically hear Meyer shouting “SEE, Wardo’s just stalking Bawla because HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HER!” Alice parks the truck and then returns to Wardo’s car. Wardo drives everyone home and ”The roads were empty, so it only took a few minutes.” Meaning he’s going 100 again and paying no attention to the fact that THE ROADS ARE WET and no amount of mind-reading will stop the car from skidding in the rain.
When they get home, Emmett and Jasper play chess – but of course since chess was invented by puny pathetic HUMANS, they have to play it ”utilizing eight joined boards spread out along the back wall, and their own complicated set of rules.” After all, their mighty vampire brains are way too superior for wimpy HUMAN chess.
But I must ask – why the hell are they playing chess on the WALL?
Alice gets on the computer to work on ”a fashion design project for Rosalie’s wardrobe” and Rosalie sits on the couch and starts flipping through the TV channels (going ”twenty channels a second” because vampire superiority will even cut through technology limitations).
Wardo can read Esme’s mind coming from upstairs and he tells us she’s ”humming over a set of blueprints” and he wonders if she’s designing their next house. Stuff is boring, even when Alice sees a vision of Emmett’s next move and mouths it to Jasper to give him a one-up in the game.
But then OMG, Edturd decides to sit at the grand piano for the first time in AGES! And of course, even though no one’s played it for a long time, the piano is still perfectly in tune because vampire superiority.
Wardo starts playing the tune that he thought of earlier today, which causes Esme to think ”Edward is playing again” and head for the top of the stairs to listen. As Wardo continues playing, she sits on the top step and thinks ”A new song. It’s been so long. What a lovely tune.” Meyer couldn’t make her sound more like a Stepford Wife if she tried.
Rosalie also notices that Wardo’s composing, but since she’s a bitchy blonde, she grinds her teeth.
In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Isabella Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.
Because she’s blonde, that’s obvious. Also, why are you suddenly using Bawla’s full name?
With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.
You thought I was joking with the “because she’s blonde” comment, didn’t you? Nope, Meyer thinks all blondes are vain and shallow and bitchy and that they get crazy jealous when someone prettier than them comes along, even to the point of wanting to MURDER them.
And of course, the gorgeous blonde is murderously jealous of Meyer’s self-insert because Meyer is petty that way.
Wardo, being Wardo, stops playing to laugh at Rosalie’s blonde bitchiness and ”Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with mortified fury,” because HAVE WE MENTIONED THAT BLONDES ARE BITCHES?
Well, Esme rushes downstairs because Wardo stopped playing and she begs ”Don’t stop, Edward.” Wardo resumes his playing, ”turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face.” Because blondes are jealous bitches and deserve to be humiliated, right?
Rosalie thinks at Wardo, ”If you say one word, I will put you down like a dog,” and I’m thinking WOOHOO! GO ROSALIE! PUT THAT ASSHOLE DOWN!!
Rosalie storms out and Emmett calls after her, but she doesn’t respond. Emmett asks Wardo why Rosalie’s all pissed and Wardo of course lies, saying he has no idea even though he’s a freakin’ MIND-READER and Emmett should figure that out, but of course he doesn’t because the bitch blonde must be humiliated.
Esme tells Wardo to keep playing, putting her hands on his shoulders, and I think she might have more lines in this one scene than she has in the entire Twilight book. He keeps playing, experimenting with different notes and chords and stuff, and it’s boring. Again, this would mean something if he actually KNEW the girl he was composing the song for.
Anyway, Esme asks if the song has a name or a story, which makes Wardo feel guilty for going so long without playing. Again, this might mean something if we actually KNEW why he stopped playing in the first place.
Edturd tells Esme that it might be a lullaby and OH FUCK ME I’M GONNA BE SICK. Yup, sure enough, Wardo tells us that ”The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillow” and FUCK YOU MEYER! YOU HAVE THE GALL TO TRY TO MAKE US FEEL SWEET ABOUT HIM BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE TO STARE AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS???
(breathes into a paper bag) I’m fine, I’m fine. Also Wardo, that’s not a story; it’s an image.
Alice sits on the piano bench next to him and starts singing along to the tune and you know what? Music is one of the most difficult things to capture in prose because let’s face it: the reader can’t hear the music. Since the reader can’t hear the music, the author must work hard to let the reader at least get a sense of what the music feels like, and that takes a skilled author to pull off.
Needless to say, Meyer isn’t a skilled writer.
Alice suggests a line to add and sings it and Wardo adds it to the song along with more harmonies and it’s extremely boring. After some more boring additions, Wardo tells us ”I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness.” Which is a stupid thought, because even if Bawla stays human, she IS going to change. She’ll still grow older, dumbass.
Moving on, Wardo’s song finishes in a low, mournful manner and Esme think-talks to him even though she’s perfectly capable of talking out loud.
It’s going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.
Okay, first off, fate doesn’t “owe” Edturd anything. That ain’t how fate works. You can be the nicest, most unselfish person in the world and bad things will still happen to you and you still might never get what you want.
Second, even if fate did work like that, it STILL wouldn’t owe Deadward anything because he’s a douchebag who always has murder on the brain.
And third, I love how what Bawla wants doesn’t enter Esme’s tiny mind. Sure, we know that Bawla will whine and whine and whine and whine about wanting to be a vampire, but Esme doesn’t. As far as she knows, Bawla will never want to see Wardo again once she learns he’s a vampire, but that doesn’t matter because fate just OWES Wardo so much!
And Esme continues to think-talk nonsense to Wardo.
You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all.
Yeah, thanks for feeding Wardo’s modesty, Esme. Sure, Wardo brushes it off, telling us that ”Every mother thought the same of her son,” but given all his casual boasting in this book, I don’t believe it for a second.
Esme’s just SO SO HAPPY because she thought Wardo would NEVER find true love, nevermind that Wardo DOESN’T ACTUALLY KNOW BAWLA AND THEIR CONVERSATIONS STILL NUMBER IN THE SINGLE DIGITS.
She’ll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. If she’s a bright girl. She smiled. But I can’t imagine anyone being so slow they wouldn’t see the catch you are.
Yes, how could anyone POSSIBLY resist the stick in the mud who turns his nose up at humans and is always talking about how inferior we are and gleefully thinks about murdering people? Who wouldn’t want such a catch?
”Stop it, Mom, you’re making me blush,” I teased.
Wait, since when does Wardo call Esme “Mom”? He always calls Carlisle and Esme by their first names in the Twilight books. Then again . . . does he ever have a conversation with Esme in the Twilight books? I honestly can’t remember since Esme is such a nonentity in them.
Alice starts playing “Heart and Soul” and then Wardo plays “Chopsticks” and I think I’m supposed to be charmed by their family togetherness. Also, is Meyer trying to impress me by letting me know that these better-than-us-in-every-way vampires know the two pieces EVERYONE learns when they learn the piano? Seriously, those are like the simplest piano pieces in history.
Alice says she’s curious about what Wardo was laughing at Rosalie about, but her future senses say that he won’t tell her.
”Be nice, Alice,” Esme chided. “Edward is being a gentleman.”
Esme, it’s not “gentlemanly” to laugh at your sister and embarrass her in front of the rest of the family. And yes, that still applies even when said sister is a blonde.
Wardo says ”Here, Esme,” so wait, he’s back to calling his vampire parents by their first names? What’s going on here?
Anyway, Wardo plays her a song he wrote a while ago, ”an unnamed tribute to the love I’d watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.” So I guess that song’s about three seconds long, given that Carlisle barely seems aware that his supposed true love exists.
And oh fuck, you have to see this next part for yourselves. Since it’s been almost half a page since Wardo was last an ass . . .
I didn’t have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead, I thought of Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in humiliation in the garage, and grinned to myself.
What was that you were saying about Wardo being a “gentleman,” Esme (and Meyer, for that matter)?
Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel.
Yes, I totally believe that in a hundred years, Wardo has NEVER FELT JEALOUSY EVER before now.
Of course, her jealousy was a thousand times more petty than mine. Quite the dog in the manger scenario.
(seethes) Yes, of COURSE the bitchy blonde bitch’s jealousy is A THOUSAND TIMES PETTIER than any jealousy Wardo could POSSIBLY feel! Sure, Wardo has joyfully entertained fantasies about murdering Mike, but that doesn’t matter since Rosalie’s a blonde and that automatically makes her a crazy bitch!
I wondered how Rosalie’s life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful.
I can already tell I’m not gonna like this.
Would she have been a happier person—less egocentric?
I love the implication there that beautiful people are miserable because their lives are completely focused on their looks – especially since I know how egocentric Bawla is and how she’ll become obsessed with being a beautiful sparkly vampire who will never grow old.
More compassionate?—if beauty hadn’t at all times been her strongest selling point?
Hey Wardo, she was fucking GANG-RAPED because she was hot, but I don’t see an inch of compassion from you about that.
And again, this is hilarious given how Bawla is CONSTANTLY obsessing over how becoming a vampire will make her beautiful.
Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the spotlight of her own loveliness.
Again, she was GANG-RAPED. Are you at least going to THINK about that?
Not that she’d minded.
Does that include when she was GANG-RAPED? Just asking.
The opposite—she’d loved admiration about all else. That hadn’t changed with the loss of her mortality.
I love how we’re supposed to laugh at how shallow the blonde Rosalie is while ignoring how obsessed Bawla is with being beautiful and young forever.
Also, let me point out something, Wardo. Rosalie HATES being a vampire. She absolutely RESENTS that she was changed without her consent. If she were really as shallow and preoccupied with her looks as you claim, then she’d be all “Yay! I’m even more beautiful than I was before and I’m gonna be beautiful FOREVER!” once she was changed.
Now who DOES react like that when she becomes a vampire? Oh yeah, BAWLA!
It was no surprise, then, taking this need as a given, that she’d been offended when I had not, from the beginning, worshipped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship.
Are you done being petty yet, Meyer?
And let me repeat yet again, Rosalie had just been GANG-RAPED!! Perhaps she wouldn’t WANT to be “worshipped” after that.
Not that she’d wanted me in any way—far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that.
“Have I mentioned how shallow and petty and stupid blondes are? Now pay no attention to how shallow and petty and stupid Bella is!”
It was different with Jasper and Carlisle—they were already both in love.
Yeah, Jasper was only “in love” because Alice saw a vision of them being together.
I was completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.
Of course – after all, your One True Forever and Ever love wasn’t born yet and if you were attracted to ANYONE before meeting her, your love would be tainted!
Also, I know other people have talked about this, but it’s EXTREMELY CREEPY that Carlisle changed Rosalie thinking that she’d be a match for Wardo, especially since she had just been GANG-RAPED.
Oh, and Wardo? I know this sounds outlandish, but bear with me here. Maybe the reason why she didn’t like you is because YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!
I’d thought that old resentment buried, that she was long past it. And she had been… until the day I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.
I can practically hear Meyer screaming, “HEY LOOK HOW MY SELF-INSERT MAKES THE BITCHY BLONDE VAMPIRE JEALOUS!!”
Of course. I should have realized how that would annoy her. I probably would have, had I not been so preoccupied.
Preoccupied with stalking Bawla 24/7.
Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshipping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me.
Meyer: “Ha ha, look how silly and shallow the bitchy blonde is!”
She’d been furious since the moment I’d saved Bella’s life, with her shrewd, competitive intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.
Meyer: “Look how amazing Bella is – she makes the gorgeous blonde vampire JEALOUS!”
Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more appealing than her.
And you’re mortally offended at Mike so much as TALKING to your property. Yeah, I know this is Meyer shouting at us about how bitchy the blonde is, but the level of sheer hypocrisy here is disgusting.
And don’t think I didn’t notice the shot at humans, but it gets exhausting to complain about every shot at humans since this book is FULL of them.
I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
Meyer: “Ha ha ha, look how silly the bitchy blonde is! Look how she’s JEALOUS of my Sue – but then again, of course she’d be jealous because my Sue is the most wonderful person in the world!”
It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella.
We’re STILL going on about this? Meyer, I know you can’t do subtle to save your life, but the way you’re hammering us on the head with how Rosalie’s so shallow and bitchy and blonde is petty even for you.
Rosalie actually found the girl plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.
After all, no one could POSSIBLY miss how beautiful Bawla is unless they were being silly jealous blondes!
Anyway, Alice has a sudden vision and she tells everyone that Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week. Did you forget who Peter and Charlotte are? Yeah, me too – but all you need to know is they’re a couple of the three thousand vampires introduced in Breaking Dawn – I think they’re old friends of Jasper’s from his Civil War days - and they eat people.
Well of course that causes Wardo to go into wangst mode despite Alice assuring him that ”They never hunt here,” and I love how murdering humans is okay so long as they do it away from Forks. Aren’t these guys just pinnacles of morality?
Course, given how the saintly Cullens will lend out their cars to people-eating vampires so they can go murder people away from Forks in Breaking Dawn, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.
Alice think-tells Wardo that their people-eating friends will arrive on Monday and with that Wardo tells Emmett that they’re going hunting NOW. Emmett says he’ll go say goodbye to Rosalie, think-saying ”You really have lost it, Edward.”
Don’t you love how Wardo is seen as having “lost it” by being worried about people-eating vampires being around? I’m telling you, the saintliness of these people is just blinding me.
And does Esme have anything to say about murderers coming to visit? Of course not – she just asks Wardo to play the song again. Wardo does so after taking Bawla’s bottle cap out of his pocket and placing it on the piano. I think I’m supposed to go “aww!” at that, and maybe I would if Meyer had given me any reason to root for these people. The scene ends with Esme and Alice exchanging significant looks and then we cut to Wardo and Emmett hunting together. Whoopie.
Emmett is wrestling a bear (Get it? A bear almost killed Emmett when he was human, but now that he’s a vampire, he’s the BEAR’S predator! Get it? GET IT? MEYER COMMANDS YOU TO NOTICE HER CLEVERNESS!). Wardo distracts him by calling, ”Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food?” and the bear slashes Emmett across the chest.
The sharp claws shredded through his shirt and squealed across his skin like knives across steel.
Everyone MARVEL at how indestructible Meyerpires are! MARVEL, DAMMIT!
Emmett think-complains about how Rosalie gave him that shirt, which causes him to go into Hulk Smash mode on the bear. After he teases the bear for a bit, he kills it and gorges himself on its blood. After he’s finished, he asks if Wardo got the mountain lion he was after, Wardo says he did, there’s some banter that I think is supposed to be amusing, but the important thing is that Emmett asks if Wardo could turn off his mind-reading so they could fight fair and Wardo reminds him that he can’t turn it off, which of course brings the subject to Bawla.
Emmett wonders how Bawla blocks Wardo’s mind-reading, saying ”Maybe she could give me some pointers,” and look how Wardo responds.
”Stay away from her,” I growled through my teeth.
Wardo, he wasn’t talking about eating her. He wasn’t even THINKING about eating her. He wasn’t even JOKING about eating her. All he was thinking about was TALKING to her. Are you really so paranoid that you can’t handle anyone else TALKING to her?
There’s some more of Emmett doing unfunny jokes until Wardo sours the mood with his wangst and shits on humans some more.
”Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things can happen to a mortal?”
Yeah yeah, we humans are weak and fragile and pathetic and we have no chance against the mighty and superior vampires.
Emmett says he hasn’t really thought of it, but he points out how he ”wasn’t much match for a bear that first time around,” just in case you didn’t get how CLEVER Meyer was.
”Bears,” I muttered, already adding a new fear to the already large pile. “That would be just her luck, wouldn’t it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella.”
Wardo, I’d say you’re getting a tad paranoid here, but what do I know? I’m only a lowly human, after all.
And what do you know, Emmett agrees with me and says Wardo’s sounding crazy, which causes Wardo to launch into a spiel about how weak and vulnerable we are.
Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bear… or get hit by a car… or lightning… or fall down stairs… or get sick—get a disease!” The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out—they’d been festering inside me all weekend. “Fires and earthquakes and tornadoes! Ugh! When’s the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides…” My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldn’t breathe.
I love how the idea of a puny pathetic human hurting her is what sets Wardo off the deep end. Hey, Wardo? Let’s say hypothetically that a serial killer goes after Bawla. Since the killer would be a weak lowly human, you could stop them rather easily with your super strength and speed and all.
Now, let’s imagine that Bawla contracts a deadly, incurable disease. Even with all your superior vampire powers and your two medical degrees, you couldn’t stop it. Even if you and Carlisle devoted 24/7 research to finding a cure, chances are that Bawla would die before you found one and you would be completely helpless to stop it. Yeah, seems that would worry you more than Bawla getting hypothetically murdered by a puny human, but Meyer can never resist an opportunity to shit on humans.
Emmett reminds Wardo that not much goes on in Forks, but that just causes Wardo to talk crazy some more and say she must have ”some serious bad luck” and point out that ”Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires make up a significant portion of the population.”
Um, Eddie? A grand total of seven vampires live in Forks. Even in the smallest of small towns, seven people aren’t “a significant portion of the population.”
Whatever. Emmett reminds Wardo that they’re “vegetarians,” so that should count as good luck, but Wardo points out that she smells so damn delicious to him, but Emmett responds by kissing Wardo’s ass (of course) and saying that he has ”more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle.” Yeah, he has so much self-control that he planned how to MURDER AN ENTIRE CLASSROOM OF STUDENTS just to get a taste of Bawla’s yummy blood.
Then Wardo brings up the Van of Doom and how it broke all the laws of physics ”like she had some kind of magnetic pull.” Yes, Bawla’s such a danger magnet that she’ll cause an ordinary van to become sentient because it’s THAT determined to run her over.
But hey, if that actually did happen, then GO VAN!!!
Emmett once again points out that since Wardo was there to stop the van, that also counts as good luck, and HOW LONG IS THIS CONVERSATION GOING TO LAST?
Then Wardo drops the bomb, saying isn’t this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have—to have a vampire fall in love with them?” I’d point out again that his conversations with Bawla still number in the single digits and none of them were interesting, but Meyer won’t listen.
Instead, I’ll point out that this is a pretty low blow considering that Emmett also had a vampire fall in love with him when he was still human and he and Rosalie are supposed to be in Forever and Ever True Love.
Emmett thinks about Bawla and think-talks that she doesn’t do anything for him, which once again sets Wardo off.
”Well I can’t really see Rosalie’s allure, either,” I said rudely. ”Honestly, she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth.”
“And she’s BLONDE! Icky, icky, icky!”
This causes Emmett to ask what was bugging Rosalie and Wardo is a gentleman and says he doesn’t know ”with a sudden wide grin” because a shallow bitchy blonde being jealous is so damn hilarious.
Emmett attempts to push Wardo off the rock they’re sitting on, but Wardo reads his mind in time to dart away and Emmet’s swat instead causes the rock to crack and WHEN WILL THIS CHAPTER END?
Emmett imagines Bawla’s face again, but this time he’s imagining her as a VAMPIRE! Wardo declares that no, that’s not an option.
”It solves your worries about mortality, doesn’t it? And then you wouldn’t want to kill her, either. Isn’t that the best way?”
And once again, what Bella wants doesn’t enter his mind. Sure, we know that she’ll whine and whine and whine about wanting to be a vampire, but he doesn’t. Also, neither one brings up how the Quileute treaty doesn’t allow them to change any more humans into vampires, maybe because Meyer hadn’t yet come up with that when she wrote this part and didn’t bother changing it.
Wardo asks if changing Bawla is best for him or for her and Emmett says that of course it’s the best thing for him, to which Wardo responds ”Wrong answer.”
Emmett says he didn’t mind becoming a vampire too much, but Wardo points out that Rosalie hates being a vampire.
We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it meant she could be human again. Anything. Even Emmett.
So, does that mean she would give up on her relationship with Emmett to be human again, or that she’d kill him to be human again? That’s kind of an important distinction there.
But once again, this doesn’t fit in with how Meyer’s trying to convince us that Rosalie’s all shallow and bitchy and vain and preoccupied with only her appearance because she’s a blonde. If Rosalie really only cared about her looks, she’d be overjoyed to be young and beautiful forever and never have to grow old (you know, like how BELLA reacts to being a vampire).
Wardo says that no, he’s not going to ”ruin Bella’s life” and asks if Emmett would do the same for Rosalie. Emmett is floored at the idea that Wardo actually loves Bawla and so am I because A. Bawla is an unpleasant bitch and B. Wardo doesn’t fucking KNOW Bawla.
”I can’t even describe it, Em. All of a sudden, this girl’s the whole world to me. I don’t see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore.”
(stares)
Okay, if this is Meyer’s idea of true love, she can fucking HAVE it, cause I sure as hell don’t want it. Seriously, who WOULD want this? Why would ANY sane person want a relationship where EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD loses all meaning?
Let me spell that out for you. Your family, your friends, your hobbies, your interests, your hopes and dreams, your causes, NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE once you meet your One True Forever and Ever Love. Oh, and if your One True Forever and Ever Love ever dies or leaves you, NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY AGAIN.
That . . . isn’t love. That’s more like addiction. Hell, Wardo will later describe Bawla as “his brand of heroin.” Yes, this hits hard for me after what happened with my ex and I harp on this a lot when sporking bad Reylo fics, but being obsessed with your significant other to the point where NOTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD MATTERS is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY and I’m damn sick of fiction romanticizing (no pun intended) that attitude.
Emmett think-reminds Wardo that if he doesn’t change Bawla, she’ll inevitably die one way or another. When Wardo says he knows that, Emmett think-responds instead of just talking. Yes Meyer, we know Wardo can read minds, but that doesn’t mean people have to think-talk to him all the time.
Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love her… wouldn’t you want to, well, touch her?
Well since Tanya and her sisters are able to fuck humans without harming them and you guys are perfectly aware of that fact, that shouldn’t be an issue.
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love.
Am I supposed to be looking down on them because DUR HER THEY ENJOY SEX?
He had a hard time understanding how one could love without that aspect.
There actually are asexual couples in the real world, believe it or not. And hey, did you guys get amnesia and forget that Tanya and her sisters are able to have sex with humans without harming them?
Wardo says there’s no way he can even think about fucking Bawla and Emmett think-asks (seriously, you’re perfectly able to talk out loud!) what his options are.
”I don’t know,” I whispered. “I’m trying to figure out a way to… to leave her. I just can’t fathom how to make myself stay away.”
Okay, here’s how. Go somewhere – anywhere in the world, take your pick – and have some fun for a few years. Stay away for two or three years, or five years to be safe. Or better yet, don’t come back to Forks at all and wait until your whole family moves again, then meet them there so you can repeat high school yet again. Simple.
But then he realizes that he should stay in Forks at least until Peter and Charlotte leave so he can protect her from them. Sure, it’s fine if they eat other humans just as long as they don’t eat Bawla. Of course, that makes him anxious to go check on Bawla and make sure a grand piano hasn’t fallen on her or something. He tells Emmett that he’s not sure if he can stay away for the whole weekend and he’s really sounding like a drug addict struggling with withdrawal.
Emmett begs Wardo to stay away long enough for Rosalie to calm down and points out that Alice would be calling if Bawla were in any trouble. He also says that the sun’s going to be out next week, so they’re ”free from school until Wednesday.” I repeat, you guys aren’t going to have perfect records if you ditch school every time it’s sunny. Even though he says that their people-eating friends ”know how to behave themselves,” Wardo isn’t placated (not that he’s concerned about any humans BESIDES Bawla).
”I really don’t care, Emmett. With Bella’s luck, she’ll go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and—” I flinched. “I’m going back Sunday.”
Emmett think-talks what we’re all thinking, saying Wardo is acting ”Exactly like a crazy person,” and then we have a scene break to (groans) early Monday morning, and Wardo breaking into Bawla’s house once again. He even oils up the window so it won’t make any sounds when he sneaks in. Again, Meyer, that’s not romantic. That is CREEPY.
Wardo waxes poetic about her and points out that ”She had her hands folded under her cheek like a small child” and THANKS FOR THAT, all we needed was Wardo comparing his supposed true love to a CHILD. Was making Jacob fall madly in love with a baby and making Quill fall madly in love with a toddler not enough pedophilia for you, Meyer?
He’s all relieved to be with her in person again and tells us that ”Nothing was right when I was away from her,” and again he’s sounding like a drug addict.
Anyway, then he remembers that he’s supposed to be mad with thirst for her blood and tells us that his throat is burning again and that the fire has gotten worse since he spent so much time away from her, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and THIS is a fun detail.
It was bad enough that I was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wanted to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let myself get close to her, I would want to be closer still.
Yeah, he wants to spy on what books she reads so he can get an idea of what kinds of stories she thinks about AND he’s worried that he might think rapey thoughts if he gets too close to her.
I know I’m being redundant as hell, but just . . . WHY? I legit don’t get why anyone finds this creeper hot, yet alone the perfect man.
He keeps staring at her, looking for any changes since ”Mortals changed all the time—I was anxious at the thought of missing anything.” Yes Wardo, you will miss some things if you’re not glued to her 24/7. DEAL WITH IT.
He thinks she looks tired (uh yeah, she’s SLEEPING – it’s this thing humans do and they generally don’t like people breaking into their homes to watch them do it!) and wonders if she went out over the weekend and OH FUCK ME.
I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didn’t own her. She wasn’t mine.
No, she wasn’t mine—and I was sad again.
Well there you have it. Meyer is directly comparing romantic love to OWNING another person. He’s heartbroken that he DOESN’T own her. Dear God, do I even need to SAY anything? Do I need to say anything about how this fucking CREEP is being held up as the perfect gentleman and how the Twilight books had thousands of teenagers wanting to find their own Wardos who would stalk them?
At least most of those teenagers grew out of it . . . hopefully.
Bawla starts talking to her mother in her sleep again and Wardo concludes that she’s worried about her mom, lest we forget that Renee is incapable of doing anything without a babysitter.
”Yes, yes,” she muttered, and then sighed. ”Ugh. It’s too green.”
“That veggie plate is too green. I demand MEAT!”
No, she’s whining about how Forks is “too green.” In her sleep, no less, but Wardo’s still going to think she’s all deep and smart.
Then Wardo notices that OH NOES she has a small bruise on her hand! Amazingly, he doesn’t go into panic mode about how she got hurt the instant he looked away and simply reasons that she must have tripped. He muses that hey, now that they’re “friends,” he doesn’t have to wonder about everything forever and simplyinterrogate ask her what all she’s been up to.
He gets all curious about how her trip to the beach went and tries to imagine her there, but he realizes that he can’t fully imagine it because he’s never been to that particular beach. Still, he remembers how even though the Quileutes know their secret, he has no reason to worry about them telling Bawla the truth because they’re bound by the treaty to keep it a secret, even telling us that ”the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have to worry about.” I’m sure we’re supposed to be all impressed about Meyer using IRONY because guess what, one of the Quileutes already told Bawla about them!
Anway, the sun starts coming up and Wardo gets angry at the sun (seriously) because ”It reminded me that I could not satisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?” Dude, you’re over a hundred years old. You can wait a few days to talk to Bawla. Hell, the few days would probably go by a lot faster if you actually had any interests. Try video games – they do wonders for passing the time. Oh wait, your superior vampire reflexes probably mean you can beat a game before it starts.
You know what, the more I think about Meyerpires, the less appealing it seems to be one.
Wardo leaves in anguish, but then he picks up on Bawla’s scent in the woods and wonders what the hell she was doing there – Daddy didn’t give her permission to go into the woods! He follows her scent to a stump, where he reasons that she must have sat, and he’s just BAFFLED! Why would she ever go into the woods and sit on a stump? How will he EVER deal with this mystery – after all, he can’t ask her about it and reveal that he followed her scent into the woods. Whatever will Wardo DOOOOOOOO??
I would never know what she’d been thinking and doing here, and that had my teeth grinding in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I’d imagined for Emmett—Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call to anyone who had the senses to track it.
I groaned. She didn’t just have bad luck, she courted it.
Dude, she went for a walk in the woods. People do that. I love walks in the woods and I’ve never been eaten by a vampire, believe it or not. I’m sure I’m supposed to think “Oh, he’s only being so melodramatic because he WUVS HER SO MUCH and he can’t BEAR the thought of existing without her!” but nope, I’m still thinking that he’s a creeper and desperately needs a proper hobby.
The chapter ends with him reassuring himself that Bawla has a protector now and ”suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.” Why? Hell if I know – so they’ll get hungry and Wardo can practice his protection skills? Anyway, so ends another dull, irritating chapter and I’m too drained for a witty outro, so here’s the cast of The Force Awakens singing Star Wars pieces on the Tonight Show.
The chapter begins with Wardo driving back to school and waiting in his car for his siblings. Bawla’s scent now fills the car and Wardo is breathing it in, trying to conquer his supposed rabid thirst for her blood.
So as you see, we’re off to a riveting start as usual.
He’s trying to figure out if Bawla is attracted to him, which causes him to go into a dumb spiel about the nature of attraction.
It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many meanings and levels.
Yeah, sometimes attraction means someone has a nice ass and sometimes it means they have nice boobs. So many meanings and levels, so DEEP AND COMPLEX!
Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.
No.
No, no, no, no, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! Attraction is an ENTIRELY SEPARATE THING from love. I think Scarlett Johannson and Anne Hathaway are attractive, along with a buttload of other celebrities. Does that mean I’m in love with them? Of COURSE not! I can be at the mall and notice that a customer has a nice ass, but am I in love with that complete stranger? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Hell, there are plenty of good-looking people who are also complete dicks.
Then again, this is Meyer, so I really shouldn’t be surprised that she thinks attraction is ALWAYS tied up in love and it’s impossible to separate the two.
Wardo wonders if her ”mental silence” will get more and more frustrating as time passes because HOW DARE SHE KEEP HER THOUGHTS FROM HIM! He tries to analyze her physical responses to him and compare them to those of other females (not males, since homosexuality doesn’t exist in Meyerland) who have the hots for him, but realizes that increased heartrate and shortness of breath could also mean she’s afraid of him. Wardo thinks about the fantasies Jessica used to have about him, ”that used to repulse me” (since after all, how dare an icky BLONDE imagine going anywhere near him!), but this time he imagines Bella having the fantasies instead.
I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.
Nope, pretty sure that’s your dick, Wardo.
He starts imagining her touching him and caressing him ”with my arms wrapped around her fragile body,” since we can’t forget how weak and breakable Bawla is, but of course he cuts off the fantasy before it gets too erotic for Meyer’s sensibilities – oops, I mean before it reaches the part where he eats Bawla. He lament s how he’s ”too attracted to Bella in the worst way.” He’s probably trying to push down his vampire erection too.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
I think Alice might want Bella to be attracted to her, a woman to a woman, especially since she barely does anything with her actual boyfriend.
But oh, poor Wardo, he laments that he’s ”not a human man, and that wasn’t fair to her.” Wardo, if you could read Bawla’s mind, you’d see that she turns her nose up at humans and thinks they’re beneath her. In other words, she’s just like you.
But WOE IS WARDO, now he wishes he WERE a human even though he sneers at how inferior they are all the time. He tells us that he’s ”never felt so human in my whole life—not even when I was human, as far as I could recall.” Well you could have fooled me there, but hey, a story about a vampire who looks down on humans and sees them as inferior until they fall in love with a human and as such that forces them to start looking at humans in a different light could actually make a decent story, but that would require actually writing character development instead of six hundred pages of “I’m so awesome I’m so superior I’m better than you at everything” – and as we all know, both Bawla and Wardo will continue sneering at humans for the entirety of this series.
Anyway, Wardo then tells us about how when he was a human, he longed to fight in World War 1, saying ”The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence, and I’d been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck."
Um, Wardo? Yes, the war was going on through most of your teenage years, but America didn’t officially enter the war until THE LAST YEAR OF FIGHTING. The war ENDED only a year after we entered it! So even if you hadn’t gotten sick, you still probably wouldn’t have fought in the war.
Wardo says he only vaguely remembers his biological mother, but he remembers that he loved her and that she didn’t want him to fight in the war and she prayed every night that it would end.
Besides my mother’s love, there was no other love that made me wish to stay.
So I guess you had no friends when you were human? I mean, that doesn’t surprise me given how dickheaded you are, but you don’t seem to have any real friends outside your vampire “family” either.
Come to think of it, Meyer doesn’t seem to value platonic friendship that much. Bawla barely tolerates her human classmates and is always privately sneering at them, no one in the Cullen family except Carlisle seem to have any sort of friendships outside of their “family,” and it seems like any sort of platonic relationship has to turn into either a familial one or a romantic one. Even Jacob ends up being an in-law to the Cullens since he was brainwashed into falling in love with Bawla’s creepy baby.
I don’t know what to conclude from this, but I know I don’t like it.
Oh, and of course we must emphasize that Edturd has NEVER HAD ANY ROMANTIC FEELINGS EVER before he saw Bawla. After all, if you’re attracted to ANYONE before you meet your Forever and Ever True Love, that means your love isn’t true enough! You can’t have ANY attraction to anyone else, even if your Twu Luv hasn’t been BORN yet!
Wardo looks at his hands (which are described as ”white hands,” since Meyer must remind us that the beautiful vampires are all pale white, no unfortunate implications there, nope) and hates ”their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strength,” which could actually lead to some decent character development except that we know it won’t.
Emmett arrives, which actually surprises Wardo, and Emmett is surprised that he surprised Wardo. Emmett wonders what Wardo was up to until he catches a whiff of Bawla’s smell in the car. I’m getting sick of hearing about Bawla’s smell, but I have a feeling we’re going to hear a lot more about it. For that matter, we haven’t been given any sense of what Bawla smells like.
Emmett jokes that ”she does have quite a flavor, doesn’t she?” which of course causes Wardo to snarl at him. Only Wardo is allowed to fantasize about eating her, understand? The other siblings arrive and Rosalie also catches Bawla’s scent, glaring at Wardo and thinking insults at him (have we mentioned that blondes are bitches?).
I didn’t like Jasper’s reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella’s appeal. Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had from me, but it still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control.
Thanks Meyer, Jasper was creepy enough already without giving him rapey undertones. Again, the guy doesn’t even WANT to be a “vegetarian” vampire – why the HELL are you letting him go to high school?
Anyway, Alice holds out her hand for Bawla’s truck key because she saw a vision of herself driving Bawla’s truck home, I guess. Of course, Wardo still won’t give her permission to talk to Bawla even though she doesn’t NEED Wardo’s permission to talk to her. Again, I can only assume it’s because she’s a wimminz who needs the menfolk to tell her what to do.
Meyer, what was that you were saying about Alice being an example of “girl power”?
Edturd gives Alice the key and follows her as she drives to Bawla’s house and of course we get this.
The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that Bella’s human ears might not hear the thunder of the truck’s engine.
Blah blah blah yes we get it humans are inferior in every way shape and form blah blah blah.
Wardo laments that he can’t hear Bawla’s thoughts to make sure she’s doing all right – I can practically hear Meyer shouting “SEE, Wardo’s just stalking Bawla because HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HER!” Alice parks the truck and then returns to Wardo’s car. Wardo drives everyone home and ”The roads were empty, so it only took a few minutes.” Meaning he’s going 100 again and paying no attention to the fact that THE ROADS ARE WET and no amount of mind-reading will stop the car from skidding in the rain.
When they get home, Emmett and Jasper play chess – but of course since chess was invented by puny pathetic HUMANS, they have to play it ”utilizing eight joined boards spread out along the back wall, and their own complicated set of rules.” After all, their mighty vampire brains are way too superior for wimpy HUMAN chess.
But I must ask – why the hell are they playing chess on the WALL?
Alice gets on the computer to work on ”a fashion design project for Rosalie’s wardrobe” and Rosalie sits on the couch and starts flipping through the TV channels (going ”twenty channels a second” because vampire superiority will even cut through technology limitations).
Wardo can read Esme’s mind coming from upstairs and he tells us she’s ”humming over a set of blueprints” and he wonders if she’s designing their next house. Stuff is boring, even when Alice sees a vision of Emmett’s next move and mouths it to Jasper to give him a one-up in the game.
But then OMG, Edturd decides to sit at the grand piano for the first time in AGES! And of course, even though no one’s played it for a long time, the piano is still perfectly in tune because vampire superiority.
Wardo starts playing the tune that he thought of earlier today, which causes Esme to think ”Edward is playing again” and head for the top of the stairs to listen. As Wardo continues playing, she sits on the top step and thinks ”A new song. It’s been so long. What a lovely tune.” Meyer couldn’t make her sound more like a Stepford Wife if she tried.
Rosalie also notices that Wardo’s composing, but since she’s a bitchy blonde, she grinds her teeth.
In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Isabella Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.
Because she’s blonde, that’s obvious. Also, why are you suddenly using Bawla’s full name?
With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.
You thought I was joking with the “because she’s blonde” comment, didn’t you? Nope, Meyer thinks all blondes are vain and shallow and bitchy and that they get crazy jealous when someone prettier than them comes along, even to the point of wanting to MURDER them.
And of course, the gorgeous blonde is murderously jealous of Meyer’s self-insert because Meyer is petty that way.
Wardo, being Wardo, stops playing to laugh at Rosalie’s blonde bitchiness and ”Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with mortified fury,” because HAVE WE MENTIONED THAT BLONDES ARE BITCHES?
Well, Esme rushes downstairs because Wardo stopped playing and she begs ”Don’t stop, Edward.” Wardo resumes his playing, ”turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face.” Because blondes are jealous bitches and deserve to be humiliated, right?
Rosalie thinks at Wardo, ”If you say one word, I will put you down like a dog,” and I’m thinking WOOHOO! GO ROSALIE! PUT THAT ASSHOLE DOWN!!
Rosalie storms out and Emmett calls after her, but she doesn’t respond. Emmett asks Wardo why Rosalie’s all pissed and Wardo of course lies, saying he has no idea even though he’s a freakin’ MIND-READER and Emmett should figure that out, but of course he doesn’t because the bitch blonde must be humiliated.
Esme tells Wardo to keep playing, putting her hands on his shoulders, and I think she might have more lines in this one scene than she has in the entire Twilight book. He keeps playing, experimenting with different notes and chords and stuff, and it’s boring. Again, this would mean something if he actually KNEW the girl he was composing the song for.
Anyway, Esme asks if the song has a name or a story, which makes Wardo feel guilty for going so long without playing. Again, this might mean something if we actually KNEW why he stopped playing in the first place.
Edturd tells Esme that it might be a lullaby and OH FUCK ME I’M GONNA BE SICK. Yup, sure enough, Wardo tells us that ”The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillow” and FUCK YOU MEYER! YOU HAVE THE GALL TO TRY TO MAKE US FEEL SWEET ABOUT HIM BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE TO STARE AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS???
(breathes into a paper bag) I’m fine, I’m fine. Also Wardo, that’s not a story; it’s an image.
Alice sits on the piano bench next to him and starts singing along to the tune and you know what? Music is one of the most difficult things to capture in prose because let’s face it: the reader can’t hear the music. Since the reader can’t hear the music, the author must work hard to let the reader at least get a sense of what the music feels like, and that takes a skilled author to pull off.
Needless to say, Meyer isn’t a skilled writer.
Alice suggests a line to add and sings it and Wardo adds it to the song along with more harmonies and it’s extremely boring. After some more boring additions, Wardo tells us ”I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness.” Which is a stupid thought, because even if Bawla stays human, she IS going to change. She’ll still grow older, dumbass.
Moving on, Wardo’s song finishes in a low, mournful manner and Esme think-talks to him even though she’s perfectly capable of talking out loud.
It’s going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.
Okay, first off, fate doesn’t “owe” Edturd anything. That ain’t how fate works. You can be the nicest, most unselfish person in the world and bad things will still happen to you and you still might never get what you want.
Second, even if fate did work like that, it STILL wouldn’t owe Deadward anything because he’s a douchebag who always has murder on the brain.
And third, I love how what Bawla wants doesn’t enter Esme’s tiny mind. Sure, we know that Bawla will whine and whine and whine and whine about wanting to be a vampire, but Esme doesn’t. As far as she knows, Bawla will never want to see Wardo again once she learns he’s a vampire, but that doesn’t matter because fate just OWES Wardo so much!
And Esme continues to think-talk nonsense to Wardo.
You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all.
Yeah, thanks for feeding Wardo’s modesty, Esme. Sure, Wardo brushes it off, telling us that ”Every mother thought the same of her son,” but given all his casual boasting in this book, I don’t believe it for a second.
Esme’s just SO SO HAPPY because she thought Wardo would NEVER find true love, nevermind that Wardo DOESN’T ACTUALLY KNOW BAWLA AND THEIR CONVERSATIONS STILL NUMBER IN THE SINGLE DIGITS.
She’ll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. If she’s a bright girl. She smiled. But I can’t imagine anyone being so slow they wouldn’t see the catch you are.
Yes, how could anyone POSSIBLY resist the stick in the mud who turns his nose up at humans and is always talking about how inferior we are and gleefully thinks about murdering people? Who wouldn’t want such a catch?
”Stop it, Mom, you’re making me blush,” I teased.
Wait, since when does Wardo call Esme “Mom”? He always calls Carlisle and Esme by their first names in the Twilight books. Then again . . . does he ever have a conversation with Esme in the Twilight books? I honestly can’t remember since Esme is such a nonentity in them.
Alice starts playing “Heart and Soul” and then Wardo plays “Chopsticks” and I think I’m supposed to be charmed by their family togetherness. Also, is Meyer trying to impress me by letting me know that these better-than-us-in-every-way vampires know the two pieces EVERYONE learns when they learn the piano? Seriously, those are like the simplest piano pieces in history.
Alice says she’s curious about what Wardo was laughing at Rosalie about, but her future senses say that he won’t tell her.
”Be nice, Alice,” Esme chided. “Edward is being a gentleman.”
Esme, it’s not “gentlemanly” to laugh at your sister and embarrass her in front of the rest of the family. And yes, that still applies even when said sister is a blonde.
Wardo says ”Here, Esme,” so wait, he’s back to calling his vampire parents by their first names? What’s going on here?
Anyway, Wardo plays her a song he wrote a while ago, ”an unnamed tribute to the love I’d watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.” So I guess that song’s about three seconds long, given that Carlisle barely seems aware that his supposed true love exists.
And oh fuck, you have to see this next part for yourselves. Since it’s been almost half a page since Wardo was last an ass . . .
I didn’t have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead, I thought of Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in humiliation in the garage, and grinned to myself.
What was that you were saying about Wardo being a “gentleman,” Esme (and Meyer, for that matter)?
Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel.
Yes, I totally believe that in a hundred years, Wardo has NEVER FELT JEALOUSY EVER before now.
Of course, her jealousy was a thousand times more petty than mine. Quite the dog in the manger scenario.
(seethes) Yes, of COURSE the bitchy blonde bitch’s jealousy is A THOUSAND TIMES PETTIER than any jealousy Wardo could POSSIBLY feel! Sure, Wardo has joyfully entertained fantasies about murdering Mike, but that doesn’t matter since Rosalie’s a blonde and that automatically makes her a crazy bitch!
I wondered how Rosalie’s life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful.
I can already tell I’m not gonna like this.
Would she have been a happier person—less egocentric?
I love the implication there that beautiful people are miserable because their lives are completely focused on their looks – especially since I know how egocentric Bawla is and how she’ll become obsessed with being a beautiful sparkly vampire who will never grow old.
More compassionate?—if beauty hadn’t at all times been her strongest selling point?
Hey Wardo, she was fucking GANG-RAPED because she was hot, but I don’t see an inch of compassion from you about that.
And again, this is hilarious given how Bawla is CONSTANTLY obsessing over how becoming a vampire will make her beautiful.
Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the spotlight of her own loveliness.
Again, she was GANG-RAPED. Are you at least going to THINK about that?
Not that she’d minded.
Does that include when she was GANG-RAPED? Just asking.
The opposite—she’d loved admiration about all else. That hadn’t changed with the loss of her mortality.
I love how we’re supposed to laugh at how shallow the blonde Rosalie is while ignoring how obsessed Bawla is with being beautiful and young forever.
Also, let me point out something, Wardo. Rosalie HATES being a vampire. She absolutely RESENTS that she was changed without her consent. If she were really as shallow and preoccupied with her looks as you claim, then she’d be all “Yay! I’m even more beautiful than I was before and I’m gonna be beautiful FOREVER!” once she was changed.
Now who DOES react like that when she becomes a vampire? Oh yeah, BAWLA!
It was no surprise, then, taking this need as a given, that she’d been offended when I had not, from the beginning, worshipped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship.
Are you done being petty yet, Meyer?
And let me repeat yet again, Rosalie had just been GANG-RAPED!! Perhaps she wouldn’t WANT to be “worshipped” after that.
Not that she’d wanted me in any way—far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that.
“Have I mentioned how shallow and petty and stupid blondes are? Now pay no attention to how shallow and petty and stupid Bella is!”
It was different with Jasper and Carlisle—they were already both in love.
Yeah, Jasper was only “in love” because Alice saw a vision of them being together.
I was completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.
Of course – after all, your One True Forever and Ever love wasn’t born yet and if you were attracted to ANYONE before meeting her, your love would be tainted!
Also, I know other people have talked about this, but it’s EXTREMELY CREEPY that Carlisle changed Rosalie thinking that she’d be a match for Wardo, especially since she had just been GANG-RAPED.
Oh, and Wardo? I know this sounds outlandish, but bear with me here. Maybe the reason why she didn’t like you is because YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!
I’d thought that old resentment buried, that she was long past it. And she had been… until the day I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.
I can practically hear Meyer screaming, “HEY LOOK HOW MY SELF-INSERT MAKES THE BITCHY BLONDE VAMPIRE JEALOUS!!”
Of course. I should have realized how that would annoy her. I probably would have, had I not been so preoccupied.
Preoccupied with stalking Bawla 24/7.
Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshipping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me.
Meyer: “Ha ha, look how silly and shallow the bitchy blonde is!”
She’d been furious since the moment I’d saved Bella’s life, with her shrewd, competitive intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.
Meyer: “Look how amazing Bella is – she makes the gorgeous blonde vampire JEALOUS!”
Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more appealing than her.
And you’re mortally offended at Mike so much as TALKING to your property. Yeah, I know this is Meyer shouting at us about how bitchy the blonde is, but the level of sheer hypocrisy here is disgusting.
And don’t think I didn’t notice the shot at humans, but it gets exhausting to complain about every shot at humans since this book is FULL of them.
I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
Meyer: “Ha ha ha, look how silly the bitchy blonde is! Look how she’s JEALOUS of my Sue – but then again, of course she’d be jealous because my Sue is the most wonderful person in the world!”
It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella.
We’re STILL going on about this? Meyer, I know you can’t do subtle to save your life, but the way you’re hammering us on the head with how Rosalie’s so shallow and bitchy and blonde is petty even for you.
Rosalie actually found the girl plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.
After all, no one could POSSIBLY miss how beautiful Bawla is unless they were being silly jealous blondes!
Anyway, Alice has a sudden vision and she tells everyone that Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week. Did you forget who Peter and Charlotte are? Yeah, me too – but all you need to know is they’re a couple of the three thousand vampires introduced in Breaking Dawn – I think they’re old friends of Jasper’s from his Civil War days - and they eat people.
Well of course that causes Wardo to go into wangst mode despite Alice assuring him that ”They never hunt here,” and I love how murdering humans is okay so long as they do it away from Forks. Aren’t these guys just pinnacles of morality?
Course, given how the saintly Cullens will lend out their cars to people-eating vampires so they can go murder people away from Forks in Breaking Dawn, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.
Alice think-tells Wardo that their people-eating friends will arrive on Monday and with that Wardo tells Emmett that they’re going hunting NOW. Emmett says he’ll go say goodbye to Rosalie, think-saying ”You really have lost it, Edward.”
Don’t you love how Wardo is seen as having “lost it” by being worried about people-eating vampires being around? I’m telling you, the saintliness of these people is just blinding me.
And does Esme have anything to say about murderers coming to visit? Of course not – she just asks Wardo to play the song again. Wardo does so after taking Bawla’s bottle cap out of his pocket and placing it on the piano. I think I’m supposed to go “aww!” at that, and maybe I would if Meyer had given me any reason to root for these people. The scene ends with Esme and Alice exchanging significant looks and then we cut to Wardo and Emmett hunting together. Whoopie.
Emmett is wrestling a bear (Get it? A bear almost killed Emmett when he was human, but now that he’s a vampire, he’s the BEAR’S predator! Get it? GET IT? MEYER COMMANDS YOU TO NOTICE HER CLEVERNESS!). Wardo distracts him by calling, ”Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food?” and the bear slashes Emmett across the chest.
The sharp claws shredded through his shirt and squealed across his skin like knives across steel.
Everyone MARVEL at how indestructible Meyerpires are! MARVEL, DAMMIT!
Emmett think-complains about how Rosalie gave him that shirt, which causes him to go into Hulk Smash mode on the bear. After he teases the bear for a bit, he kills it and gorges himself on its blood. After he’s finished, he asks if Wardo got the mountain lion he was after, Wardo says he did, there’s some banter that I think is supposed to be amusing, but the important thing is that Emmett asks if Wardo could turn off his mind-reading so they could fight fair and Wardo reminds him that he can’t turn it off, which of course brings the subject to Bawla.
Emmett wonders how Bawla blocks Wardo’s mind-reading, saying ”Maybe she could give me some pointers,” and look how Wardo responds.
”Stay away from her,” I growled through my teeth.
Wardo, he wasn’t talking about eating her. He wasn’t even THINKING about eating her. He wasn’t even JOKING about eating her. All he was thinking about was TALKING to her. Are you really so paranoid that you can’t handle anyone else TALKING to her?
There’s some more of Emmett doing unfunny jokes until Wardo sours the mood with his wangst and shits on humans some more.
”Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things can happen to a mortal?”
Yeah yeah, we humans are weak and fragile and pathetic and we have no chance against the mighty and superior vampires.
Emmett says he hasn’t really thought of it, but he points out how he ”wasn’t much match for a bear that first time around,” just in case you didn’t get how CLEVER Meyer was.
”Bears,” I muttered, already adding a new fear to the already large pile. “That would be just her luck, wouldn’t it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella.”
Wardo, I’d say you’re getting a tad paranoid here, but what do I know? I’m only a lowly human, after all.
And what do you know, Emmett agrees with me and says Wardo’s sounding crazy, which causes Wardo to launch into a spiel about how weak and vulnerable we are.
Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bear… or get hit by a car… or lightning… or fall down stairs… or get sick—get a disease!” The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out—they’d been festering inside me all weekend. “Fires and earthquakes and tornadoes! Ugh! When’s the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides…” My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldn’t breathe.
I love how the idea of a puny pathetic human hurting her is what sets Wardo off the deep end. Hey, Wardo? Let’s say hypothetically that a serial killer goes after Bawla. Since the killer would be a weak lowly human, you could stop them rather easily with your super strength and speed and all.
Now, let’s imagine that Bawla contracts a deadly, incurable disease. Even with all your superior vampire powers and your two medical degrees, you couldn’t stop it. Even if you and Carlisle devoted 24/7 research to finding a cure, chances are that Bawla would die before you found one and you would be completely helpless to stop it. Yeah, seems that would worry you more than Bawla getting hypothetically murdered by a puny human, but Meyer can never resist an opportunity to shit on humans.
Emmett reminds Wardo that not much goes on in Forks, but that just causes Wardo to talk crazy some more and say she must have ”some serious bad luck” and point out that ”Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires make up a significant portion of the population.”
Um, Eddie? A grand total of seven vampires live in Forks. Even in the smallest of small towns, seven people aren’t “a significant portion of the population.”
Whatever. Emmett reminds Wardo that they’re “vegetarians,” so that should count as good luck, but Wardo points out that she smells so damn delicious to him, but Emmett responds by kissing Wardo’s ass (of course) and saying that he has ”more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle.” Yeah, he has so much self-control that he planned how to MURDER AN ENTIRE CLASSROOM OF STUDENTS just to get a taste of Bawla’s yummy blood.
Then Wardo brings up the Van of Doom and how it broke all the laws of physics ”like she had some kind of magnetic pull.” Yes, Bawla’s such a danger magnet that she’ll cause an ordinary van to become sentient because it’s THAT determined to run her over.
But hey, if that actually did happen, then GO VAN!!!
Emmett once again points out that since Wardo was there to stop the van, that also counts as good luck, and HOW LONG IS THIS CONVERSATION GOING TO LAST?
Then Wardo drops the bomb, saying isn’t this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have—to have a vampire fall in love with them?” I’d point out again that his conversations with Bawla still number in the single digits and none of them were interesting, but Meyer won’t listen.
Instead, I’ll point out that this is a pretty low blow considering that Emmett also had a vampire fall in love with him when he was still human and he and Rosalie are supposed to be in Forever and Ever True Love.
Emmett thinks about Bawla and think-talks that she doesn’t do anything for him, which once again sets Wardo off.
”Well I can’t really see Rosalie’s allure, either,” I said rudely. ”Honestly, she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth.”
“And she’s BLONDE! Icky, icky, icky!”
This causes Emmett to ask what was bugging Rosalie and Wardo is a gentleman and says he doesn’t know ”with a sudden wide grin” because a shallow bitchy blonde being jealous is so damn hilarious.
Emmett attempts to push Wardo off the rock they’re sitting on, but Wardo reads his mind in time to dart away and Emmet’s swat instead causes the rock to crack and WHEN WILL THIS CHAPTER END?
Emmett imagines Bawla’s face again, but this time he’s imagining her as a VAMPIRE! Wardo declares that no, that’s not an option.
”It solves your worries about mortality, doesn’t it? And then you wouldn’t want to kill her, either. Isn’t that the best way?”
And once again, what Bella wants doesn’t enter his mind. Sure, we know that she’ll whine and whine and whine about wanting to be a vampire, but he doesn’t. Also, neither one brings up how the Quileute treaty doesn’t allow them to change any more humans into vampires, maybe because Meyer hadn’t yet come up with that when she wrote this part and didn’t bother changing it.
Wardo asks if changing Bawla is best for him or for her and Emmett says that of course it’s the best thing for him, to which Wardo responds ”Wrong answer.”
Emmett says he didn’t mind becoming a vampire too much, but Wardo points out that Rosalie hates being a vampire.
We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it meant she could be human again. Anything. Even Emmett.
So, does that mean she would give up on her relationship with Emmett to be human again, or that she’d kill him to be human again? That’s kind of an important distinction there.
But once again, this doesn’t fit in with how Meyer’s trying to convince us that Rosalie’s all shallow and bitchy and vain and preoccupied with only her appearance because she’s a blonde. If Rosalie really only cared about her looks, she’d be overjoyed to be young and beautiful forever and never have to grow old (you know, like how BELLA reacts to being a vampire).
Wardo says that no, he’s not going to ”ruin Bella’s life” and asks if Emmett would do the same for Rosalie. Emmett is floored at the idea that Wardo actually loves Bawla and so am I because A. Bawla is an unpleasant bitch and B. Wardo doesn’t fucking KNOW Bawla.
”I can’t even describe it, Em. All of a sudden, this girl’s the whole world to me. I don’t see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore.”
(stares)
Okay, if this is Meyer’s idea of true love, she can fucking HAVE it, cause I sure as hell don’t want it. Seriously, who WOULD want this? Why would ANY sane person want a relationship where EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD loses all meaning?
Let me spell that out for you. Your family, your friends, your hobbies, your interests, your hopes and dreams, your causes, NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE once you meet your One True Forever and Ever Love. Oh, and if your One True Forever and Ever Love ever dies or leaves you, NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY AGAIN.
That . . . isn’t love. That’s more like addiction. Hell, Wardo will later describe Bawla as “his brand of heroin.” Yes, this hits hard for me after what happened with my ex and I harp on this a lot when sporking bad Reylo fics, but being obsessed with your significant other to the point where NOTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD MATTERS is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY and I’m damn sick of fiction romanticizing (no pun intended) that attitude.
Emmett think-reminds Wardo that if he doesn’t change Bawla, she’ll inevitably die one way or another. When Wardo says he knows that, Emmett think-responds instead of just talking. Yes Meyer, we know Wardo can read minds, but that doesn’t mean people have to think-talk to him all the time.
Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love her… wouldn’t you want to, well, touch her?
Well since Tanya and her sisters are able to fuck humans without harming them and you guys are perfectly aware of that fact, that shouldn’t be an issue.
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love.
Am I supposed to be looking down on them because DUR HER THEY ENJOY SEX?
He had a hard time understanding how one could love without that aspect.
There actually are asexual couples in the real world, believe it or not. And hey, did you guys get amnesia and forget that Tanya and her sisters are able to have sex with humans without harming them?
Wardo says there’s no way he can even think about fucking Bawla and Emmett think-asks (seriously, you’re perfectly able to talk out loud!) what his options are.
”I don’t know,” I whispered. “I’m trying to figure out a way to… to leave her. I just can’t fathom how to make myself stay away.”
Okay, here’s how. Go somewhere – anywhere in the world, take your pick – and have some fun for a few years. Stay away for two or three years, or five years to be safe. Or better yet, don’t come back to Forks at all and wait until your whole family moves again, then meet them there so you can repeat high school yet again. Simple.
But then he realizes that he should stay in Forks at least until Peter and Charlotte leave so he can protect her from them. Sure, it’s fine if they eat other humans just as long as they don’t eat Bawla. Of course, that makes him anxious to go check on Bawla and make sure a grand piano hasn’t fallen on her or something. He tells Emmett that he’s not sure if he can stay away for the whole weekend and he’s really sounding like a drug addict struggling with withdrawal.
Emmett begs Wardo to stay away long enough for Rosalie to calm down and points out that Alice would be calling if Bawla were in any trouble. He also says that the sun’s going to be out next week, so they’re ”free from school until Wednesday.” I repeat, you guys aren’t going to have perfect records if you ditch school every time it’s sunny. Even though he says that their people-eating friends ”know how to behave themselves,” Wardo isn’t placated (not that he’s concerned about any humans BESIDES Bawla).
”I really don’t care, Emmett. With Bella’s luck, she’ll go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and—” I flinched. “I’m going back Sunday.”
Emmett think-talks what we’re all thinking, saying Wardo is acting ”Exactly like a crazy person,” and then we have a scene break to (groans) early Monday morning, and Wardo breaking into Bawla’s house once again. He even oils up the window so it won’t make any sounds when he sneaks in. Again, Meyer, that’s not romantic. That is CREEPY.
Wardo waxes poetic about her and points out that ”She had her hands folded under her cheek like a small child” and THANKS FOR THAT, all we needed was Wardo comparing his supposed true love to a CHILD. Was making Jacob fall madly in love with a baby and making Quill fall madly in love with a toddler not enough pedophilia for you, Meyer?
He’s all relieved to be with her in person again and tells us that ”Nothing was right when I was away from her,” and again he’s sounding like a drug addict.
Anyway, then he remembers that he’s supposed to be mad with thirst for her blood and tells us that his throat is burning again and that the fire has gotten worse since he spent so much time away from her, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and THIS is a fun detail.
It was bad enough that I was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wanted to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let myself get close to her, I would want to be closer still.
Yeah, he wants to spy on what books she reads so he can get an idea of what kinds of stories she thinks about AND he’s worried that he might think rapey thoughts if he gets too close to her.
I know I’m being redundant as hell, but just . . . WHY? I legit don’t get why anyone finds this creeper hot, yet alone the perfect man.
He keeps staring at her, looking for any changes since ”Mortals changed all the time—I was anxious at the thought of missing anything.” Yes Wardo, you will miss some things if you’re not glued to her 24/7. DEAL WITH IT.
He thinks she looks tired (uh yeah, she’s SLEEPING – it’s this thing humans do and they generally don’t like people breaking into their homes to watch them do it!) and wonders if she went out over the weekend and OH FUCK ME.
I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didn’t own her. She wasn’t mine.
No, she wasn’t mine—and I was sad again.
Well there you have it. Meyer is directly comparing romantic love to OWNING another person. He’s heartbroken that he DOESN’T own her. Dear God, do I even need to SAY anything? Do I need to say anything about how this fucking CREEP is being held up as the perfect gentleman and how the Twilight books had thousands of teenagers wanting to find their own Wardos who would stalk them?
At least most of those teenagers grew out of it . . . hopefully.
Bawla starts talking to her mother in her sleep again and Wardo concludes that she’s worried about her mom, lest we forget that Renee is incapable of doing anything without a babysitter.
”Yes, yes,” she muttered, and then sighed. ”Ugh. It’s too green.”
“That veggie plate is too green. I demand MEAT!”
No, she’s whining about how Forks is “too green.” In her sleep, no less, but Wardo’s still going to think she’s all deep and smart.
Then Wardo notices that OH NOES she has a small bruise on her hand! Amazingly, he doesn’t go into panic mode about how she got hurt the instant he looked away and simply reasons that she must have tripped. He muses that hey, now that they’re “friends,” he doesn’t have to wonder about everything forever and simply
He gets all curious about how her trip to the beach went and tries to imagine her there, but he realizes that he can’t fully imagine it because he’s never been to that particular beach. Still, he remembers how even though the Quileutes know their secret, he has no reason to worry about them telling Bawla the truth because they’re bound by the treaty to keep it a secret, even telling us that ”the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have to worry about.” I’m sure we’re supposed to be all impressed about Meyer using IRONY because guess what, one of the Quileutes already told Bawla about them!
Anway, the sun starts coming up and Wardo gets angry at the sun (seriously) because ”It reminded me that I could not satisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?” Dude, you’re over a hundred years old. You can wait a few days to talk to Bawla. Hell, the few days would probably go by a lot faster if you actually had any interests. Try video games – they do wonders for passing the time. Oh wait, your superior vampire reflexes probably mean you can beat a game before it starts.
You know what, the more I think about Meyerpires, the less appealing it seems to be one.
Wardo leaves in anguish, but then he picks up on Bawla’s scent in the woods and wonders what the hell she was doing there – Daddy didn’t give her permission to go into the woods! He follows her scent to a stump, where he reasons that she must have sat, and he’s just BAFFLED! Why would she ever go into the woods and sit on a stump? How will he EVER deal with this mystery – after all, he can’t ask her about it and reveal that he followed her scent into the woods. Whatever will Wardo DOOOOOOOO??
I would never know what she’d been thinking and doing here, and that had my teeth grinding in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I’d imagined for Emmett—Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call to anyone who had the senses to track it.
I groaned. She didn’t just have bad luck, she courted it.
Dude, she went for a walk in the woods. People do that. I love walks in the woods and I’ve never been eaten by a vampire, believe it or not. I’m sure I’m supposed to think “Oh, he’s only being so melodramatic because he WUVS HER SO MUCH and he can’t BEAR the thought of existing without her!” but nope, I’m still thinking that he’s a creeper and desperately needs a proper hobby.
The chapter ends with him reassuring himself that Bawla has a protector now and ”suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.” Why? Hell if I know – so they’ll get hungry and Wardo can practice his protection skills? Anyway, so ends another dull, irritating chapter and I’m too drained for a witty outro, so here’s the cast of The Force Awakens singing Star Wars pieces on the Tonight Show.
