Midnight Sun - Chapter 9

[esmeandfiction]

Last chapter, Wardo spied on Bawla, spied on Bawla, and spied on Bawla some more. Yup, we’re definitely getting a whole lot of new insight from retelling the story with a new POV and it’s totally not just an excuse for Meyer to endlessly talk about how wonderful her Sue is.



You may remember from Twilight that something actually happens in Port Angeles – namely, Bawla gets chased by some random rapists and Wardo saves her and then Bawla finally drops the bomb that she knows Wardo’s a vampire.

Well, the sun’s still out when Wardo gets to Port Angeles, so Wardo can’t spy on Bawla right away and I’m sure I’m supposed to feel sorry for him.

How condescendingly I’d once judged Emmett for his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline—and now I was consciously flouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. I used to be the responsible one.

Really? Since when is Wardo “responsible” about anything? Was it “responsible” to go on a people-eating spree just because he wanted to? Was it “responsible” to plot to murder an entire classroom of students for a taste of Bawla’s yummy blood? Was it “responsible” to return to Forks after a week in Alaska just because he didn’t like “feeling a coward” and because he just COULDN’T STAND NOT KNOWING BAWLA’S THOUGHTS?

Wardo follows Jessica’s thoughts to get an idea of where they are (not creepy at all, believe Meyer!) and parks in ”an overgrown driveway that appeared to be infrequently used.” I hope his car gets towed for trespassing.

Wardo tracks Jessica’s thoughts to the store, where she’s trying on a black dress (get it, cause she’s BLONDE and thus she’s petty and vain and as such she gets to wear a DARK SIDE dress!).

And since Meyer wants to make sure we know that blondes are bitchy and shallow, we get treated to a whole PARAGRAPH of Jessica’s thoughts.

Bella still looks pissed. Ha ha.

Meyer, no one thinks “Ha ha” to themselves.

Jessica goes on to wonder why Bawla is upset about Tyler and no, I don’t know why she’s suddenly thinking about Tyler. Then she worries that Mike might not have fun at the dance and won’t want to go out with her again after that – which is honestly a perfectly legitimate concern, but since this is bitchy blonde Jessica, I’m sure we’re supposed to turn up our noses at how shallow her thoughts are.

What if he asks Bella to the prom? Does he think she’s prettier than me? Does she think she’s prettier than me?

Yes Jessica, she does. Oh sure, she won’t admit it, but Bawla obviously turns her nose up at you and obviously puts an insane amount of stock in staying young and beautiful forever.

Bawla says she likes the blue dress better and Jessica wonders if she’s being sincere (and we know from Twilight that she’s not being sincere and she doesn’t give a shit about helping her friends pick out dresses). Wardo lets us know that he’s getting tired of listening to Jessica’s stupid blonde thoughts and scans for Angela’s thoughts instead, ”ah, but Angela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head to give her some privacy.” Ooooh, look what a gentleman Wardo is! Sure, he breaks into Bawla’s house to stare at her while she sleeps and spies on her both directly and through the minds of her peers, but hey, at least he doesn’t want to read Angela’s mind while she’s changing!

Wardo figures that ”there wasn’t much trouble Bella could get into in a department store” (what, it doesn’t occur to you that the store could get robbed while she’s there, or does spying on Bawla in a store not give you the same thrill as breaking into her house to watch her sleep?) and decides that he’ll ”catch up with them when they were done.” He’s getting all excited because the sun’s finally going down and tomorrow it will be cloudy again and ”Tomorrow I could sit beside Bella in school again, monopolize her attention at lunch. I could ask her all the questions I’d been saving up.”

Blah blah blah you’re a fucking creeper blah blah blah you need a hobby blah blah blah.

He muses about how Bawla was apparently angry about Tyler wanting her to ask him to the dance and then bringing up prom. He’d picked up from his mind ”that he’d meant it literally when he’d spoken of the prom, that he was staking a claim.” Right, and you’re NOT trying to “stake a claim” when you’re spying on Bawla almost every minute of every day. Of course, he laughs like the asshole he is and wonders how Bawla will try to discourage Tyler’s advances and thinks about how entertaining it will be.

Yeah, you know what else is entertaining? Not reading about Wardo.

Blah blah blah, boring boring boring, Wardo periodically checks in on Jessica’s thoughts, but he doesn’t like listening to the shallow blonde thoughts for more than a little bit at a time. He sees from her thoughts where they’re planning to have dinner and considers ”coincidentally” bumping into them at the restaurant. He thinks about calling Alice and inviting him to join them and FUCK ME!

She would love that, but she would also want to talk to Bella. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have Bella more involved with my world. Wasn’t one vampire trouble enough?

Wardo, for the umpteenth time, IT’S NOT YOUR FUCKING DECISION WHETHER OR NOT ALICE TALKS TO BAWLA!! SHE CAN TALK TO BAWLA ANY TIME SHE WANTS TO, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

(takes deep breath) He checks back in on Jessica’s mind. She’s asking Angela if maybe she should return the necklace she bought because she’s got another one at home and she’s already spent too much. Angela says she’s fine going back to the store to return it, but asks ”Do you think Bella will be looking for us, though?”

GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! BAWLA ISN’T WITH THEM!!! As we know from Twilight, Bawla used wanting to go book shopping as an excuse to not have to spend time with them. Jessica thinks ”Oh, who cares about Bella?” to show what a vile bitchy blonde bitch she is, but once again I agree with her. She tells Angela that they should still get to the restaurant in plenty of time to meet up with Bella and Wardo sees the bookstore in Jessica’s mind.

Angela thinks ”I hope Bella doesn’t think we ditched her. She was so nice to me in the car before. But she’s seemed kind of blue all day. I wonder if it’s because of Edward Cullen? I’ll bet that’s why she was asking about his family” and I want to barf. First we hear about how Bawla was “so nice” to Angela even though Bawla only tolerates Angela because she rarely speaks, then we have her wondering if ZOMG maybe she’s in a bad mood because of Wardo!

And as we know from Twilight, Bawla IS moping about Wardo because she and Wardo similarly have no lives. Anyway, Wardo keeps listening in on Angela’s thoughts, but now she’s turned her attention to the conversation in which Jessica is ”babbling about that imbecile Mike.” Stay classy, Meyer. I’d say to make a drinking game out of Wardo shitting on Mike, but it would probably kill the players.

Wardo panics as he drives towards the bookstore, keeping his car in the long shadows, and when he gets there, no Bawla. He tells us that ”This didn’t look like the kind of place Bella would find interesting—too new age for a practical person.”

And now we can all give a collective groan and facepalm to:

1. Bawla being called “practical” when she’s dumb as bricks and way-too-eager to throw her life away at the chance of never having to grow old.
2. Wardo’s snotty judgmental statement that “practical” people of course wouldn’t be into new age stuff.
3. Wardo assuming that he KNOWS anything about Bawla’s taste in books simply because he saw her read Jane Austen once (and give up on reading it after five minutes).

Wardo parks in the shade and goes looking around even though he knows that it’s dangerous since the sun’s still out and something could happen like a passing car reflecting the sunlight onto his sparkly skin. He follows her scent like a bloodhound, keeping to the shade and getting frustrated that he can’t step into the sun to look for her. You know, something like this would hold a lot more weight if sunlight actually killed him. Just sayin’.

He drives around, still keeping to the shadows, but he’s losing her scent. So he drives to the restaurant, finding Jessica and Angela, who are trying to decide whether to order or wait for Bawla, and so we don’t forget what a bitchy blonde Jessica is, she’s ”pushing for ordering immediately.”

He panics some more as he looks through random people’s minds to see if they saw Bawla and he gets more and more frustrated that he can’t go into the sun to look for her. However, he notes that the sun is very close to setting and ”Just a few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine again and it would be the human world that was powerless.” You know, that line sounds like it could come from an actual vampire story where the vampires don’t sparkle and are actually recognizable as vampires, but since it’s Wardo saying it, it just comes across as yet another instance of him turning up his nose at humans.

He keeps scanning random thoughts until FINALLY he spots her! But UH-OH, she’s being followed! Buckle up everyone, hold on to your butts, something is actually going to HAPPEN!

His mind was a stranger to me, and yet, not totally unfamiliar. I had once hunted exactly such minds.

Of course, we’re not gonna hear any details of his thoughts because that would be too dark for Meyer. So just take Wardo’s word for it – this guy’s an evil rapist who deserves to die.

Her face was blurred in his mind by the memory of other faces. Bella was not his first victim.

Oooh, look how SCARY Random Rapist is! He’s had OTHER victims too! Also, I love how Meyer gleefully lets us see the detailed thoughts of bitchy shallow blondes Jessica and Rosalie so we know exactly how bitchy and shallow and blonde they are, but she only gives us these vague impressions of the FUCKING RAPIST! It’s like Meyer’s more invested in humiliating the blondes than in portraying a RAPIST as scary.

Course, we know this guy’s sole purpose in the story is to give Wardo an excuse to swoop in to the rescue again.

Anyway, Wardo drives towards the voice in a frenzy and as he gets closer we finally hear one of the rapist’s thoughts: ”Look at her shaking!” Wow, that’s a conveniently G-rated thought for a RAPIST.

And OH NO, there are OTHERS with him! However, their minds ”are not the cesspool that his was.” Instead, they’re drunk and they’re just going along with how he had ”promised them a little fun” and apparently they don’t expect him to actually rape Bawla.

Wardo’s finally able to pinpoint their location through one of the guys’ minds and he slams on the gas, running a red light and apparently not giving a shit if he causes an accident.

Random Rapist is enjoying himself and getting ”aroused” by frightening Bawla, but of course even the RAPIST must be wowed by Bawla. He expects her to scream and try to run, but she stands her ground (even though running would be the SMART thing to do) and he thinks ”Brave, this one. Maybe better, I guess—more fight in her.”

Meyer, when you compulsively need even the fucking RAPIST to sing the praises of your Sue, that’s not only pathetic – it’s VILE, especially since it would be smarter to run and try to reach an area full of people.

I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey. I would see what he through of my style of hunting.

Hard to get outraged like Wardo when Meyer’s too squeamish to actually show how monstrous this guy’s thoughts are.

In another compartment of my head,

He kept his socks.

I was already sorting through the horrors I’d borne witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them. I had never tortured my prey, no matter how much they had deserved it, but this man was different.

He’s threatening BAWLA, so that makes him worse than any other rapist ever.

He would suffer for this. He would writhe in agony. The others would merely die for their part, but this creature named Lanny would beg for death long before I would give him that gift.

(grinds teeth) Look, as I said in the Wildfire spork, there’s a HUGE difference between killing in defense and TORTURING someone, no matter how vile that person may be.

And look, once Wardo’s car skids into the area, he points out that he ”could have run down the leader, who leaped out of the way, but that was too easy a death for him.” Lovely. Nothing says “perfect boyfriend” like fantasies of torture.

Well Wardo throws open the passenger door and Bawla leaps in, and only THEN does he decide not to go through with his violent plans, but not out of any moral obligations. Nope, it’s because he doesn’t want Bawla to see him enact his torture! He considers dragging the guys away for their torture and murder, but OH NOES another rapist might come for Bawla if he leaves her alone!

Here was proof positive that I was not insane—like a magnet, she drew all things dangerous toward herself. If I were not close enough to provide it, some other evil would take my place.

No, Wardo, this is just proof positive that your writer creates extremely contrived situations for Bawla to be in danger so you can swoop in to the rescue.

As Wardo drives off, he laments that ”I couldn’t even hit him with my car. That would frighten her.” Yes, the only reason you shouldn’t commit murder is because it might scare Bawla.

And since Wardo loves to fantasize about murder . . .

I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it rang in my ears, clouded my sight, and was a bitter flavor on my tongue, stronger than the burn of my thirst.

We’re all SICK of hearing about how your supposed rabid thirst “burns,” Wardo. Also, pretty sure you shouldn’t be driving in this state, but letting Bawla drive would mean she’d actually do something.

My muscles were coiled with the urgency, the craving, the necessity of it. I had to kill him. I would peel him slowly apart, piece by piece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone…

Don’t we all want a guy who wants to torture people to death and enjoy every minute of it? Like yeah, I get it, Random Rapist is scum, but that doesn’t make TORTURE okay. Killing out of defense and torturing someone so you can get pleasure out of it are two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

But once again, the only reason he doesn’t go rip Random Rapist to shreds is BAWLA, ”the only girl in the world.” Barf.

”Put on your seat belt,” I ordered. My voice was rough with the hate and bloodlust. Not the usual bloodlust. I had long been committed to abstaining from human blood, and I would not let this creature change that. This would be retribution only.

Well, good to know that you at least won’t drink his blood while slowly ripping him apart. That makes it all a-okay!

Bawla buckles her seat belt and Wardo goes zooming down the road, ”ignoring all traffic guides.” She asks if he’s okay, which surprises Wardo, given that she’s the one who shouldn’t be okay, but he admits that no, he’s not okay. He parks in that same driveway he trespassed in earlier and then we get treated to more murderous thoughts.

My ice-locked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that his body could never be identified.

Yes Wardo, we get it, you love thinking about murder and torture.

But that would entail leaving her alone here, unprotected in the dark night.

I love how the ONLY thing keeping Wardo from torturing Random Rapist to death is the thought of Bawla being out of his sight. For the five millionth time, Meyer, WHY am I supposed to find this guy irresistible?

Wardo remembers how he killed similar people back during his people-eating spree and tells us that ”This man, this abomination, was not the worst of his kind, though it was difficult to sort the depths of evil into a merit-based order.”

Yeah, it is, but I can at least tell that Wardo is pretty far down in the “depths of evil.”

And you guys REALLY need to see this next part.

Most of the men I’d hunted back in my days of acting a judge, jury, and executioner had felt some level of remorse, or at least fear of being caught. Many of them turned to alcohol or drugs to silence their worries. Others compartmentalized, created fractures in their personalities and lived as two men, one for the light and one for the dark.

I want you to read that several times. Remember that Meyer and Wardo want us to think that Wardo’s victims during his people-eating rebellion were pure evil and he did the world a favor by getting rid of them.

Except . . . some of them felt remorse. Some of them were alcoholics or drug addicts. Some of them even had dissociative identity disorder. Sure, that in no way excuses what they did, but it also shows that they WEREN’T beyond hope. If they had gotten the proper help, maybe some of them could have been rehabilitated – but they didn’t get the chance because Wardo ate them.

Congratulations, Meyer – you made Wardo even MORE vile than he was before.

Then Wardo goes on to tell us about the worst person he ever encountered.

I’d never found anyone who embraced his own evil so thoroughly—who enjoyed it. He was utterly delighted by the world he created, a world of helpless victims and their tortured screams. Pain was the object of all his pursuits, and he’d gotten very good at creating it, at prolonging it.

See, here’s where Meyer’s “tell, don’t show” philosophy really fails. We’re told this guy loves making people suffer, but we learn nothing about what he actually did. We’re just given these vague generalizations and as such we can’t feel any horror. Especially given that Wardo already fantasizes about murdering Mike in a giddy way.

Wardo tells us that with that one Generically Evil Guy, he hesitated to kill him quickly because ”To let this particular man die swiftly seemed far too easy an escape for him,” but even with Generically Evil Guy, he ended up giving him a quick death.

However, he also tells us that one of the things that motivated his decision to kill Generically Evil Guy quickly was the fact that he had two women locked in his ”basement of horrors.” They were both injured and he rushed them to the hospital, but one of them still died.

But anyway, now Wardo brings his thoughts back to Random Rapist.

He was an atrocity, too, but surely not worse than the one I’d remembered.

And we’ll have to take your word for it since we don’t KNOW anything about how Generically Evil Guy is worse than Random Rapist.

Why did it feel right then, imperative, that he suffer so much more?

(groans) Because Random Rapist was threatening Bawla and she’s the most important person in the world. Who doesn’t want a guy who will torture people for you?

Wardo asks if Bawla’s all right and when she answers in the affirmative, ”Her voice was still think—with fear, no doubt.” And since Wardo’s such a gentleman, he reasons that he can’t leave the poor helpless wimminz when she’s afraid.

Even if she wasn’t at constant risk for some infuriating reason—some joke the universe was playing on me—even if I could be sure that she would be perfectly safe in my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.

She must be so frightened.

I love how the prospect of SCARING BAWLA is the main thing keeping Wardo from torturing Random Rapist to death. And of course, Bawla is a feeble wimminz and must be so terrified and it’s the Big Strong Man’s job to not scare her further.

He tells Bawla to distract him from his murderous instincts like in Twilight, but not out of any moral obligation to keep himself from torture and murder. No, he wants her to distract him because he’s worried that he’s scaring her further with his rage.

Like in Twilight, Bawla says she’s going to run Tyler over tomorrow because, as you’ll remember from Twilight, she wants to get Tyler off her back. And like in Twilight, it’s totally unfunny and makes Bawla come off as a psycho. Yes, I know she doesn’t actually mean it, but in the context of how Tyler almost KILLED HER and of COURSE he’s still shaken up about it, I’m not going to be nice.

Yes—this was what I needed.

Good old talk about murder to ease his thoughts about murder.

Of course Bella would come up with something unexpected.

Yes, she’s always saying unexpected stuff like “Edward is perfect Edward is gorgeous Forks sucks humans suck I wanna be a vampire.” Totally unexpected.

As it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was jarring, comical. If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I would have laughed.

Because Bawla is so weak and vulnerable and helpless that it’s absurd to think of her getting violent!

Well Bawla does her psychopathic spiel from Twilight that Tyler is telling everyone that he’s taking her to the prom because he thinks he needs to make up for how he almost killed her and that if she runs him over, then they’ll be even. You know Bawla, just a thought, but maybe instead of contemplating killing him, you could just tell him that you don’t want to go to prom with him.

It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler’s persistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn’t seem to understand the appeal she held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had for me, either?

Yeah yeah, we get it, the Sue doesn’t realize how incredibly hot she is. Gag me.

But anyway, the distraction of trying to figure out what Bawla was thinking is calming him down a bit, so he tells her that he heard about how Tyler wants to take Bawla to the prom, and then Bawla gets more pissed and says ”If he’s paralyzed from the neck down, he can’t go to the prom, either.” Again, instead of fantasizing about him being paralyzed for the rest of his life just so he can’t go to the prom, you can just TELL HIM you don’t want to go to prom with him.

Also, people CAN go to prom in wheelchairs. Just sayin’.

I wished there was some way I could ask her to continue with the threats of death and bodily harm without sounding insane. She couldn’t have picked a better way to calm me.

Talk about killing and maiming people, HOW FUCKING ROMANTIC.

And her words—just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole—were a reminder I dearly needed in this moment.

A reminder that you’re a fucking psycho?

Bawla asks if he’s better and he says he’s not exactly better and tells us that he’s still aching to murder Random Rapist. In fact, the only thing he wants MORE than Random Rapist’s murder is Bawla – though the book doesn’t specify if it’s her blood or her vagina.

And though I couldn’t have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight.

Bella deserved better than a killer.

Wardo, you ARE a killer. Even if you technically haven’t killed anyone since your people-eating rebellion, you plotted to murder an ENTIRE CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS and you gleefully entertain fantasies about brutally murdering Mike just because he dares to talk to Bawla.

He moans that even though he can never deserve Bawla, but ”I felt that if I returned to that life for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever.” Nice to know that the thought that you might LOSE BAWLA if you tortured Random Rapist to death is your deciding factor here.

Even if I didn’t drink their blood—even if I didn’t have that evidence blazing red in my eyes—wouldn’t she sense the difference?

I love the implication that you would totally torture Random Rapist to death you thought Bawla wouldn’t mind it. Thanks for giving me Wildfire flashbacks.

Bawla asks ”What’s wrong?” and Wardo again remembers that he’s supposed to be crazily thirsty for her blood, but this time he just says his mouth’s watering instead of talking about his throat burning.

He admits that he sometimes has ”a problem with my temper” (yeah, you might say wanting to torture people to death counts as “a problem with your temper”) and is torn between wanting her to run and wanting her to stay as he says ”it wouldn’t be helpful” if he goes off to hunt the attackers.

Anyway, Bawla mentions that Jessica and Angela are expecting her at the restaurant, so he turns around back in that direction, though the closer he gets to Random Rapist’s thoughts, the HARDER it gets to not go torture him to death.

If it was impossible—if I could never belong to nor deserve this girl—then where was the sense of letting the man go unpunished?

Hey Wardo, just a thought, but you could CALL THE POLICE on him. Or is that not murderous enough for you?

Surely I could allow myself that much.

Yes, if you can’t have Bawla, then you might as well go torture a guy to death. This really is just like Wildfire.

No. I wasn’t giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.

So he’s resisting the oh-so-strong urge to go torture a guy to death not because torture is WRONG or anything stupid like that – nope, it’s because he thinks he won’t have a chance with Meyer’s Sue if he goes through with that. I see why this guy’s such a keeper.

They arrive at the restaurant, where Jessica and Angela are done eating and are about to go looking for Bawla. Wardo tells us that ”It was not a good night for them to be wandering,” but since they aren’t Bawla, he’s not going to freak out about their safety.

But GASP, Bawla asks how he knew where they were planning to eat! What will he ever tell her? But GASP AGAIN, she doesn’t press the matter and ”shook her head and half smiled.” WHATEVER COULD THAT MEAN? Wardo just can’t figure it out!

Wardo parks and opens his door and Bawla asks what he’s doing and look at what a gentleman he is.

Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order.

Yes, I’ve always wanted a guy who would never let me out of his sight or leave me alone.

Wardo declares that he’s taking Bawla to dinner and muses about how it seemed like so long ago when he considered accidentally running into her at the restaurant.

And now here I was, practically on a date with her. Only it didn’t count, because I wasn’t giving her a chance to say no.



Wardo, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU TO HELL! I HOPE THE VOLTURI ROAST YOU!!!

She already had her door half-open before I’d walked around the car—it wasn’t usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed—instead of allowing me to get it for her.

Oooh, look what a GENTLEMAN Wardo is, wanting to open Bawla’s door for her, so CHIVALROUS! EVERYONE SWOON OVER HIM, DAMMIT!

Yeah, you know what, chivalry can die in a fire. Things like holding doors open should be gender-neutral, not just something men feel obligated to do for women.

Edturd orders Bawla to ”Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too,” because nothing’s more attractive than a guy threatening to ‘track down” your friends. He also adds that he wouldn’t be able to ”restrain myself” if Random Rapist and his gang showed up again, because nothing’s more attractive than being murder-crazy.

Bawla calls after the others and Angela is all relieved she’s safe while Jessica the bitchy blonde thinks ”Late much?” However, she’s also glad that Bawla’s okay, which ”made me like her a little more than I had.” Yes, because being worried about Bawla is the only thing that can redeem a bitchy blonde bitch.

But when the girls reach them, they’re OMG SO SHOCKED to find Wardo with Bawla! Angela wonders if Bawla knew Wardo was coming to Port Angeles as well while Jessica goes back into Blonde Bitch Mode and thinks ”Bella’s been holding out on me.” Have we mentioned that blondes are bitches?

Jessica asks Bawla where she’s been and she says she got lost and Wardo found her, leaving out the bit about Random Rapist attacking her. You know, if she were really as saintly and selfless as Meyer and Wardo want us to think she is, she might want to tell her friends that she almost got raped and that her attackers are still wandering around somewhere nearby! You know, out of concern for THEIR safety!

Also, why has neither Bawla nor Wardo CALLED THE FREAKIN’ POLICE??

Wardo asks if they mind him tagging along for dinner and just in case we’ve forgotten that Wardo’s the Hottest Hottie Who Ever Hotted . . .

Holy crap but he’s hot! Jessica thought, her mind suddenly incoherent.

Except that she just had a perfectly coherent thought while her mind was incoherent.

Angela wasn’t much more composed. Wish we hadn’t eaten. Wow. Just. Wow.

You know, you both see Wardo in school every day. Why are you reacting like you’re seeing him for the first time? Yeah, I know it’s so Meyer can emphasize his hotness for the five millionth time, but it’s still stupid.

Now why couldn’t I do that to Bella?

Oh Wardo, if you only knew how fucking obsessed Bawla is with how perfect and godlike and Adonis you are.

Angela says they already ate and Jessica mentally screams ”Shut up!” because HAVE WE MENTIONED WARDO IS HOT AND NO GIRL CAN RESIST HIM?

Bawla says she’s not hungry, which means that she can go home with her friends and eat at home and Wardo can just LEAVE, but of course we can’t have that. No, Wardo is convinced that she must be in shock and as such he can’t let her out of his sight because Daddy Wardo Knows Best.

”I think you should eat something,” I disagreed. She needed sugar in her bloodstream—though it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly.

So . . . eating sugar makes people smell better to vampires? What?

The horror was going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn’t help.

Look, if she REALLY needed to eat on the way home, Jessica could pull over at a drive-thru or convenience store and she could get some food.

She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience.

GOD, shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!!



You’re not convincing anyone that Bawla only seems weak because she’s a human when you call her an “easy fainter,” Meyer.

The girls wouldn’t be in danger if they went straight home. Danger didn’t stalk their every step.

Sure, don’t tell them that there’s a rapist wandering around – they don’t have Bawla’s danger magnet tendencies, and besides, Wardo doesn’t have the hots for them.

Wardo asks the girls if they mind him driving Bawla home – but he doesn’t bother asking Bawla if she’d like him to drive her home because what she wants doesn’t matter.

She probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn’t? Jess thought.

I sure as hell wouldn’t! Bawla can KEEP this dickhead.

Bawla winks at the others, surprising Wardo once again, and they leave, after which Bawla says she’s seriously not hungry.

Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? Did she truly want to be alone with me—even now, after witnessing my literal homicidal rage?

Don’t worry Wardo – homicidal rages just make a guy sexier.

Whether or not that was the case, she was going to eat something.

I guess it doesn’t occur to you that it’s HER decision whether or not she eats something.

He tells her to humor him and then holds the restaurant door open with the air of a parent trying to deal with a stubborn child. She goes inside with a sigh, resigning to the fact that Wardo is in charge of her and tells her what to do. Truly a romance for the ages.

Oh my. The hostess’s rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. My, oh my.

(groans) Meyer, here’s a little reality lesson for you. Not every woman is heterosexual. Some are interested in other women or in any gender or in no one at all. And even among heterosexual women, not all of them are going to have the exact same taste in men.

It seemed to be my night to turn heads.

When does the guy ever NOT turn heads? Meyer is obsessed with making sure we never forget how he’s hotter than hotness itself.

Or was I only noticing it more because I wished so much that Bella would see me this way?

Wardo, I think even you would get sick of Bawla’s constant mental loop of “Edward is hot Edard is hot Edward is perfect and godlike and hot Edward is hot.”

Also, notice how Wardo is wishing oh-so-hard that Bawla would swoon over his hotness. That’s not striking me as romantic – it’s just striking me as vain.

We were always attractive to our prey, but I’d never thought so much about it before.

Liar. You think about it ALL THE TIME and take advantage of it on a regular basis.

Wardo asks for a table and the hostess is still drooling and I think I’m about to gag.

Mmm! What a voice!

So . . . Wardo sounds like Harrison Ford? Christopher Lee? Colin Firth? Benedict Cumberbatch? Adam Driver? Alan Rickman? Ewan McGregor? James Earl Jones? (Yeah, I know, a lot of Star Wars actors here. Sorry not sorry.) I mean, no disrespect to Robert Pattinson, but his voice sure as hell doesn’t scream “sexy,” especially when he’s uttering Twilight’s stilted dialogue. And yes, I know Book!Wardo isn’t the same as Movie!Wardo, but let’s face it, everyone pictures Wardo as looking and sounding like Pattinson now.

”Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia. Pleas follow me.”

(groans) Yes, La Bella Italia is a real restaurant in Port Angeles, but do you seriously think Meyer didn’t pick it because it has the word “Bella” in its name?

Maybe she’s his cousin. She couldn’t be his sister, they don’t look anything alike. But family, definitely. He can’t be with her.

Hey lady, the guy’s physically seventeen and posing as an actual seventeen-year-old. Even if he weren’t a vampire, there would be some serious problems if you tried hitting on him. Hell, you’re not supposed to be ogling customers anyway.

And ho boy, brace yourselves for the next paragraph.

Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly.

Yes Wardo, WE GET IT, humans are stupid and inferior and oblivious and vampires rule.

How could this small-minded woman find my physical lures—snares for prey—so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?

Again, WE FUCKING GET IT, Bawla is the most amazing and perfect and beautiful human in the world. Dear GOD, find some new material! Describe the restaurant or something – we’re getting zero sense of the atmosphere.

Well, no need to help her out, just in case.

Yes, you DO need to help her out. She’s a CUSTOMER, and as such it’s your FUCKING JOB to help her out.

The horny hostess proceeds to lead them to ”a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant,” even though Wardo specifically asked for a table for two. Yup, this hostess is definitely asking to get her ass fired.

Can I give him my number while she’s there? she mused.

You shouldn’t be giving him your number AT ALL if you want to keep your job.

I pulled a bill from my back pocket. People were invariably cooperative when money was involved.

I hate everything right now and I hope the hostess sticks the money up Wardo’s ass. Hey guess what, not EVERY human is easily bribed.

Anyway, Wardo requests a more private spot and the hostess orgasms some more when she looks at the money.

Fifty dollars for a better table? Rich, too. That makes sense—I bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with her?

Have we mentioned how RICH RICH RICH the Cullens are and how that means they’re Better Than You?

Horny Hostess leads them to a booth and Wardo’s all anxious because he doesn’t know how much Bawla has guessed or how much he’ll be able to tell her. Funnily enough, the idea that telling her the truth might get him in trouble with the Volturi doesn’t enter his mind. For that matter . . . I don’t think the Volturi have been mentioned for this whole book. Yeah, I know Meyer didn’t invent her alleged Big Bads until New Moon (or Forever Dawn, if you want to get technical), but you know . . . this book came out FOURTEEN YEARS AFTER NEW MOON.

”Perfect,” I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude towards Bella, smiled widely at her, baring my teeth. Let her see me clearly.

I love how he thinks GRINNING at her with his non-fang teeth will scare her.

Whoa. “Um… your server will be right out.” He can’t be real. Maybe she’ll disappear… maybe I’ll write my number on his plate with marinera.

And maybe you’ll get your ass fired for hitting on a customer AND taking a bribe.

Wardo just CAN’T BELIEVE that he failed to scare the waitress with his . . . grin, then we get the moment from Twilight where Bawla says he shouldn’t ”dazzle them like that,” but now we get Wardo looking into the hostess’s mind as she tells her friend her ”incorrect assessment of me.” Yeah, her incorrect assessment that Wardo is worth spending any time with.

Bawla continues her spiel about how Wardo can’t possibly be unaware of how he makes everyone swoon.

”I dazzle people?” That was an interesting way of phrasing it. Accurate enough for tonight.

Stay humble, Wardo.

”You haven’t noticed?” she asked, still critical. “Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?”

Yeah yeah, Wardo always gets his way and he deserves to get his way because he’s a vampire and they’re better than us lowly humans.

”Do I dazzle you?”

You dazzle her to the point of absolute nausea. If you read Twilight, you’d be quick to retract your statements about her being such a deep and intelligent and selfless person. Or maybe not, since she’s reiterating ad nauseum about how hot you are and that would boost your already-bloated ego.

And yup, Bawla answers ”Frequently” and she blushes. And how does Wardo react to the confirmation that yes, she swoons over his hotness just like everyone else?

I dazzled her.

My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever remember having felt before.

“She thinks I’m HOT! That totally means she wuvs me because attraction and love are impossible to separate!”

The waitress arrives and her thoughts are ”loud, and more explicit” than Horny Hostess’s thoughts, which means that Meyer’s delicate sensibilities won’t let her write them out, but heaven forbid any woman NOT find Wardo the hottest person in the universe. Anyway, Wardo tunes out her thoughts and stares at Bawla as she blushes ”noticing not how that made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin.”

Again, I wouldn’t bat an eye at Bawla’s skin being called “cream” if it weren’t for the unfortunate implications that Meyer’s already written regarding skin color.

The waitress asks what they’ll have to drink, Wardo keeps creepily staring at Bawla, ”and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.”

Yeah, showing overt contempt for a customer (even if said customer is eating with a hot guy)? The waitress is asking to get her ass fired too.

”I’ll have a Coke?” Bella said, as if asking for approval.

Oh look, the good little girl is learning that she needs Daddy Wardo’s approval to order a Coke.

Wardo orders a Coke as well, already planning to give it to Bawla because he’s still convinced that she’s in shock and that she needs plenty of sugar in her system. After all, she’s a weak little wimminz and an “easy fainter.”

She looked healthy, though. More than healthy. She looked radiant.

Meyer, seriously, you don’t need to hammer how wonderful you think your Sue is into our brains every other sentence. It’s almost like the whole reason this book exists is so you can masturbate about how amazing your self-insert is, but of course such a DEEP writer as yourself would be beyond such shallowness, right?

Bawla finally realizes that Wardo is staring at her like a creep and asks ”What?” Wardo asks how she’s feeling and she says she’s fine and when he presses the matter, he admits that he’s ”waiting for you to go into shock.”

I half smiled, expecting her denial. She would not want to be taken care of.

Or maybe, just maybe, she really IS fine and doesn’t need you to pump her full of sugar. Have you considered that?

Bawla takes a while to answer him and he wonders if that means he’s dazzling her and fuck, how much is Wardo going to wonder “Does Bella think I’m hot?” Cause, you know, that’s the basis for true love.

Bawla tells Wardo that she’s ”always been very good at repressing unpleasant things” and if that were true, she’d be repressing Wardo right now.

Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? Was her life always this hazardous?

No, when she says she’s good at repressing unpleasant stuff, she means stuff like (gasp) fishing trips with her dad!

The waitress brings their drinks and a basket of breadsticks and is still ogling Wardo and asking to get fired. Wardo tells us that she has ”a vulgar mind, meaning she dares to think non-G-rated thoughts, then Bawla gets a strange look when Wardo doesn’t order any food.

Hmm. She must have noticed that I never ate food. She noticed everything. And I always forgot to be careful around her.

Yeah, I think anyone with two brain cells to rub together would notice that you and your siblings buy food and proceed to stare blankly for the whole lunch period and then throw all your food away without eating any of it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Which, by the way, is extremely wasteful, but I wouldn’t expect such great people as yourselves to care about that.

Wardo orders her to drink her soda and she meekly obeys because she’s learning her place. She shivers a bit as she downs her drink and then Wardo gives her his. He asks if she’s cold and she says it’s because of the soda, but of course Wardo doesn’t believe her.

The pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately. It clung to her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first.

HAVE WE MENTIONED HOW WEAK AND FRAGILE BAWLA IS? MAYBE WE SHOULD HAMMER IT IN A FEW HUNDRED MORE TIMES!

He asks if she has a jacket and she realizes that she left it in Jessica’s car, so Wardo gives her his jacket and I think I’m supposed to be touched by this gesture – except that Wardo isn’t bothered by temperature, so that kind of wears thin. (Squidward laugh) Heh heh, wears thin, heh heh, jackets, heh heh . . .

Well Wardo says she looks nice in that color and pushes the breadsticks in her direction and I’m getting hungry. Yeah, human food is delicious and I’d hate to give it up and have to eat nothing but blood for all eternity.

Bawla insists that no, she isn’t going into shock, but Wardo just CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

”You should be—a normal person would be. You don’t even look shaken.” I stared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldn’t be normal and then wondering whether I really wanted her to be that way.



Meyer, please, for the sake of my sanity, SHUT UP ABOUT HOW UNIQUE AND SPECIAL BAWLA IS! You’re making it hard to spork this book when you reiterate the same point three hundred times and thus force ME to reiterate the same point three hundred times!

Bawla says she feels ”very safe” with Wardo, which I’m sure we’re supposed to take as a sign that they’re Destined True Love Forever and Ever Soulmates, but I just see it as a sign that she’s a moron who can’t see what a creeper this guy is.

Her instincts were all wrong—backward. That must be the problem. She didn’t recognize danger the way a human being should be able to. She had the opposite reaction. Instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her.

No, that will be in New Moon, when she’ll repeatedly put herself in danger so she can hallucinate about you. Also, I love how Meyer thinks lacking basic survival instincts makes Bawla even more Unique and Spechul and Better Than You.

Moreover, Wardo constantly tells us that humans subconsciously avoid vampires because they have an innate fear of them even if they’re not aware of it, but how much of that do we see? Do we EVER see it? Most of the time we just see humans ogling vampires because after all, Meyer never wants us to forget about how superior they are and if humans actively avoided vampires, then they wouldn’t be able to ogle them!

Bawla points out that he tends to be in a worse mood when his eyes are black and a better mood when his eyes are yellow, which of course causes Wardo to once again be OH SO AMAZED AT HOW OBSERVANT SHE IS! Then she says she has a theory about his eyes, which gets Wardo on edge because he doesn’t want her to guess the truth!

”I hope you were more creative this time,” I lied when she didn’t continue. “What I really hoped was that she was wrong--miles wide from the mark. “Or are you still stealing from comic books?”

Even when Wardo’s hoping that she’s wrong, he’s still coming across as a condescending douchebag about her theories.

”And?” I asked between my teeth.

Surely she would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream.

Wardo, even though you’re a psycho creeper, your fangless teeth aren’t going to make anyone scream.

The waitress brings Bawla’s food and Wardo asks for a Coke refill that I’m sure he’s planning to force-feed Bawla. She says she’ll tell him her theories on the way home, which gets Wardo anxious because she doesn’t want to say anything about her theories in public. He gets even more anxious when she says she has questions for him.

Her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts were heading. But how would I answer them? With responsible lies? Or would I drive her away with the truth? Or would I say nothing, unable to decide?

You’d think the existence of the FUCKING VOLTURI would influence his decision there. It’s almost like the Volturi didn’t exist when Meyer was writing Twilight!

Bawla asks what he’s doing in Port Angeles and Wardo refuses to answer even though his giant vampire brain could probably come up with a cover story. Say, I dunno, Alice wanted to go to the dance and he was helping her pick out outfits for the dance and she had already gone home in her own car (and I’m sure Alice wouldn’t object to going to the dance with Jasper to complete the cover-up). Yeah, it took me thirty seconds to come up with that excuse and I’m just a lowly human.

But no, Wardo doesn’t want to admit that he’s been stalking Bawla night and day. She takes a frustrated bite of her food and – what the HELL is this?

For just a second, I saw Persephone, pomegranate in hand. Dooming herself to the underworld.

Is this who I was? Hades himself, coveting springtime, stealing it, condemning it to endless night. I tried unsuccessfully to shake the impression.

Okay, first of all, Persephone wasn’t “springtime.” The famine that followed her abduction by Hades came from Persephone’s mother Demeter, who neglected her duties as the goddess of the harvest because she’s so grieved about her daughter. The eventual agreement is that Hades release Persephone, but since she ate six pomegranate seeds that Hades gave her, she must return to the underworld for six months out of every year. As a result, the world is warm and fertile when Persephone gets to be with her mother, but cold and harsh when she returns to the underworld, because Demeter still grieves during those months.

And second, Persephone WASN’T “condemned to endless night” – as I just said, she’s allowed to leave for half of every year.

And third, “dooming herself to the underworld”? Nice job victim-blaming there, Wardo. I seriously doubt that Hades told her what would happen if she ate the pomegranate seeds (not to mention that oh yeah, she was FUCKING KIDNAPPED in the first place), but I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.

Anyway, Bawla drops the bomb that she knows Wardo can read minds, which of course leads to Wardo once more talking about how amazing she is.

She was quick—no one else had ever guessed this about me. Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in the beginning, when I’d answered all his thoughts as if he’d spoken them to me. He’d understood before I had.

And that right there sounds like a more interesting moment than anything we’ve had in this book (though of course Meyer would find a way to fuck it up if she wrote it).

Wardo figures that he can be semi-truthful about this since mind-reading doesn’t automatically scream “vampire.” They have their conversation from Twilight about “hypothetical” mind-reading where Wardo is an ass for the trillionth time and says ”Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know.”

Hey asshole, she was ALMOST FUCKING RAPED!!! That’s twice in two minutes that you’ve victim-blamed, but again, I don’t expect anything else of you.

And of course, Wardo continues his assholery by laughing at Bawla’s ”irritation” at him. Quite a keeper, that one.

Bawla asks how he found her and says he can trust her and OH, WARDO WISHES HE COULD LET HER TOUCH HIM, BUT SHE WOULD BE HORRIFIED BY HIS FREEZING COLD SKIN!

I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets. She was entirely honorable, good to the core.



Even ignoring the hilarity of Bawla being called “honorable” and “good to the core,” let me remind Wardo that HE DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW HER!! No, creepily spying on her doesn’t mean you can trust her not to blab that you and your family are vampires. Your conversations with her STILL number in the SINGLE DIGITS.

And trusting Bawla with your vampire secret isn’t like, say, trusting her with an embarrassing anecdote. If Bawla blabs that you and your family are vampires, the Volturi can come and kill not only you and her, but YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.

But once again the Volturi aren’t even mentioned. Meyer, you don’t do a good job convincing the reader that your Big Bads are terrifying and dangerous when your characters forget they exist.

But I couldn’t trust her not to be horrified by them. She should be horrified. The truth was horror.

Don’t worry, not only will she not be horrified, but she’ll spend three and a half books whining about wanting to become a vampire. After all, what’s a little murder compared with being young and rich forever?

Wardo tells her that he doesn’t ”know if I have a choice anymore.” Yes Wardo, you DO have a choice about whether or not to tell her you’re a vampire, and given that YOUR FAMILY’S LIVES could be in danger if you tell her, maybe you should think about that.

He remembers how he called her ”exceptionally unobservant” and decides to not be an ass for a millisecond and apologizes for that. Bawla teases him saying ”I thought you were always right” and he replies ”I used to be.” Yup, the ego’s still intact.

I used to know what I was doing. I used to always be sure of my course.

Does that include your little people-eating phase?

And now everything was chaos and tumult.

Yeah, an occasional random danger in the midst of 24/7 staring at her doesn’t usually mean “everything is chaos and tumult.”

Yet I wouldn’t trade it. Not if the chaos meant that I could be near Bella.

Yes, after all, staring at her 24/7 is SUCH a fulfilling existence.

Wardo says she’s also not an accident magnet – but lest you think that he’s trying not to be an asshole for another millisecond, look how he clarifies it.

that’s not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.”

Wardo, I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I FUCKING HATE YOU. The only reason Bawla’s a “magnet for trouble” is because she’s being written by a shit author who puts Bawla in random danger just so she has an excuse for you to stare at her all the time.

Why her? What had she done to deserve any of this?

(twists mouth) Naw, the joke’s too easy here.

Bawla asks if Wardo considers himself one of those troubles and Wardo says ”Unequivocally” because Meyer wants to show off that she knows how to use her thesaurus.

Bawla smiles ”that one specific smile that I had only seen on her face when she was confronted with someone else’s pain.”

Meyer: “LOOK HOW COMPASSIONATE BAWLA IS! WARDO HAS REPEATED TEN MILLION TIMES THAT BAWLA IS THE MOST COMPASSIONATE BEING IN THE UNIVERSE SO PAY NO ATTENTION TO HOW I’VE WRITTEN HER AS A SELF-CENTER PRICK!”

Bawla reaches across the table towards Wardo’s hand and Wardo’s afraid that she’ll feel his cold, rock-hard skin and be disgusted with him (nope, you’ll find out that Meyer and Bawla both have a rock fetish). OMG HER FINGERS BRUSH HIS HAND WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN NEXT?? Surely she’ll run away now!

But nope, she SMILES and thanks him for rescuing her! Whatever could this MEAN? Wardo decides not to risk letting her touch him for too long and hides his hands under the table, but as he gazes into her eyes, he realizes that he wants to answer her questions and ”wanted her to know me.” Another unintentional innuendo courtesy of Meyer.

He admits that he followed her here and while that would get any normal person walking out and getting a restraining order, Bawla, being Bawla, just eagerly listens.

”I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it’s much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that’s probably just because it’s you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes.”

“It’s almost like our writer is a moron who thinks having random shit happen to the Sue passes for gripping conflict or something.”

They have their dumb conversation from Twilight about how Bawla’s “number was up” when she met Wardo.

It was true, and it angered me.

“But not because I felt guilty about plotting to murder a classroom full of students or anything silly like that.”

I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine—as though it was ordained by fate, just as she said.

Except that you could have LEFT weeks ago and you chose not to. Hell, you DID leave for a week, but then you came back just because you didn’t like “feeling a coward” and you couldn’t stand not being able to read her tiny mind.

As if she had been marked for death by that cruel, unjust fate, and—since I’d proved an unwilling tool--

Oh, you were VERY willing when you were plotting your mass-murder.

it continued to try to execute her.

Hey, speaking of trying to execute people, those rapists are STILL OUT THERE and since neither you nor Bawla bothered calling the police, they might rape some other poor victim tonight. But I guess that victim doesn’t matter since they wouldn’t be Bawla.

I imagined the fate personified, a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.

I think it speaks volumes about Wardo when he uses traditionally-female imagery like “hag” and “harpy” to describe that evil fate.

Wardo continues to be melodramatic, telling us that he wishes there could be just one thing after Bawla that he could kill and then she’d be safe.

Then he realizes that OH NOES he just practically admitted that he wanted to kill her! But since Bawla’s a moron, she still feels safe around him and is OH SO GRATEFUL that he’s been stalking her. He tries once again to read her mind because he’s creepy that way and he just CAN’T UNDERSTAND why she still wants to be around him!

He orders her to keep eating and then confirms that yes, he can read minds. He explains that he was keeping track of her through Jessica’s mind, but of course since Bawla’s a moron, she doesn’t tell him off for that. He repeats that ”only you could find trouble in Port Angeles” and I’d like to say that whoever those RAPISTS decide to go after next would beg to differ.

Was she aware that other human lives were not so plagued with near-death experiences, or did she think the things that happened to her were normal?

Seeing as how as far as we know, she NEVER went through any “near-death experiences” before she came to Forks, I’d say yes, she’s definitely aware that this isn’t normal.

Wardo explains how he found her, then he remembers that he’s still supposed to be rabid with thirst for her blood, so he quickly tacks in ”As long as I burned, she was safe.” Which doesn’t make sense, because if you’re really always on the verge of eating her, then she’s absolutely NOT safe if you’re “burning.”

As he remembers his anger at the rapist, we get this lovely bit.

I wanted him dead. He should be dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.

And whoever Random Rapist decides to go after next DOESN’T matter. You don’t want the guy dead because he’s a rapist – you only want him dead because he decided to go after Bawla. If it weren’t for that, you wouldn’t give a shit no matter how many others he rapes.

Moreover, he tells us that he can still locate the guy’s thoughts and ”His black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them.” I doubt his “black thoughts” are still about Bawla – they’re probably about whoever else he’s going after right now, but neither you nor Bawla care enough about that to actually call the fucking police!

I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a hunter, a killer.

And your expression would be perfectly accurate.

I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin—like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter.

YES, WE GET IT, Bawla is vulnerable and breakable and helpless. Meyer, what was that you were saying about her only seeming weak because she’s a human?

She needed a protector.

No, she really doesn’t, and she certainly doesn’t need you to stalk her 24/7. This is just Meyer attempting to cover her ass.

And through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.

“So I HAVE to stare at her 24/7! It’s for her own good that I stalk her and spy on her!”

Wardo confesses that if he had ”let” her go home with the girls, he might have gone looking for the rapists (what, you trusted Jessica to not crash her car on the way home?). In other words, he didn’t give her a choice for his benefit.

And notice how calling the police STILL isn’t an option.

Wardo wangsts some more and then wonders what will happen after he takes her home.

Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me? Was there any way to stop myself?

I love how this is all about stroking his ego and it still doesn’t occur to him to CALL THE FUCKING POLICE and possibly save his next victim.

Wardo asks if Bawla wants to go home now and she answers that she’s ”ready to leave” and since we haven’t emphasized Wardo’s hotness enough lately, the waitress comes back and she’s ”wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she’d had in mind.”

I love how Meyer tiptoes and teehees around all sexual fantasies, but Wardo’s plan to MURDER AN ENTERE CLASSROOM OF STUDENTS gets spelled out in great detail.

Wardo asks for the check and the waitress is ”to use Bella’s phrasing—dazzled by my voice.

“Have I mentioned how hot I am and how EVERYONE wants to bone me?”

Wardo suddenly realizes when he’s ”hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human’s head” (yes Wardo, we get that every human who isn’t Bawla is “inconsequential”) the reason ”why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight—unmarred by the usual fear.” Wardo, that’s just business as usual in Meyerland. Seriously, when is ANY human who doesn’t know you’re a vampire (or isn’t about to be lunch) ever actually afraid of you? Again, if people were always trying to avoid you, then Meyer couldn’t indulge in them ogling you.

And then Meyer once again tries to cover her ass by saying that BAWLA is the reason why everyone wants to fuck Wardo extra-hard tonight.

Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, to be human, I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control.

This might actually be interesting if A: I actually bought for a second that Wardo was trying to be more human, B: Meyer actually showed other humans being repelled by Wardo, and C: it weren’t yet another example of Bawla being the center of the world.

The waitress slips in her phone number under the check and yup, she’s definitely asking to be fired. Wardo gives her an extra-big tip – it’s not stated how much, which genuinely surprises me given how much Meyer likes to rub in our faces how DIRTY ROTTEN FILTHY STINKING RICH the Cullens are.

Anyway, now that they’re finally leaving the restaurant, we can have a cat break.

Watch on YouTube

They get in the car and Wardo turns up the heat for Bawla, which blows her smell around the car, getting stronger and stronger and BELIEVE WARDO, SHE SMELLS SO DELICIOUS!

The burning was acceptable, though. It seemed strangely appropriate to me.

“It matched what I was feeling in my penis.”

I had been given so much tonight—more than I’d expected. And here she was, still willingly at my side.

Because she’s stupid.

I owed something in return for that. A sacrifice. A burnt offering.



I did NOT just read that. Seriously, I DIDN’T.

And here I was thinking she hadn’t abused the “vampire thirst = BURNING” metaphor enough, but nope, she just seriously described it as “a burnt offering.” Not only is that incredibly stupid, but it’s equating Bawla with GOD. Just when you thought she couldn’t be any more Suey than she already was, SHE’S BEING EQUATED WITH FUCKING GOD!!

I don’t even know what to SAY about that. Is there anything I CAN say?

(deep breath) The chapter ends with Wardo whining about how venom is filling his mouth and he needs something to distract him from Bawla’s TOTALLY DELICIOUS SCENT and as such we end on an OMG CLIFFY of him asking what her latest theory is.

And GOOD RIDDANCE to this chapter. I mean, I know the next chapter won’t be any better, but maybe it at least won’t compare Bawla to GOD.