esmeandfiction (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
esmeandfiction) wrote2025-01-19 10:37 pm
esmeandfiction) wrote2025-01-19 10:37 pm
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Just a Memory - Chapter 3
Last time, Finn gave Rey a long infodump about what all’s been happening in the last three years and Rey . . . barely reacted to anything. But now, Rey’s going to talk to Ben! Surely things will get interesting now? Right?
KYLO: So is anything going to HAPPEN in this chapter?
ESME: Not much really happens in this story at all.
REY: Better than infuriating stuff happening. Come on, let’s get started. Maybe other me will actually learn to emote.
The doctor came an hour later.
KYLO: And I take it, the doctor’s not going to get a name.
He asked Rey a bunch of questions about what she remembered since she woke up and since before her injury. Then he called Finn back into the room.
REY: Well that was quick.
”She has retrograde amnesia. It’s not uncommon with head trauma. Her memory should recover the more she heals. It might take six to nine months,” he said.
REY: Sixty-nine months??
KYLO: No, six to nine months.
Rey stared at the man’s wrinkled face. Six to nine months and then she might remember everything from her life that led her to be married to Kylo Ren.
REY: Again, other me sure accepted being married to Kylo Ren real fast. Not to mention being PALPATINE’S GRANDDAUGHTER.
”Is there anyway
ESME: Any way, not anyway.
KYLO: Is your English Major Mode really necessary?
ESME: Yes, especially since I’m currently working as a tutor who goes over college essays. English Major Mode is useful.
to make it return faster?” Rey asked.
“It’s best not to force your recovery, but you can search out familiar places with people you care for. Maybe something will feel more familiar than it should and help your pathways heal.” The doctor said.
“What about using the force?
ESME: Yet again, the Force is capitalized.
I fainted when I tried to call my sabre.”
ESME: And as I pointed out earlier, she shouldn’t think of it as “her” saber when the last thing she remembers is Starkiller Base.
”I’ll leave that up to you. I don’t understand the force very well, but it probably wasn’t wise to use it the moment you woke up.
KYLO: It also wasn’t wise to not monitor her.
But as you feel better there should be no reason to refrain.”
KYLO: Aside from the fact that she DOESN’T REMEMBER ANY OF HER TRAINING.
Rey nodded. “Alright. Thank you.”
The doctor left
ESME: The story.
and Rey turned her gaze to Finn. He was looking out the door nervously.
“What is it Finn?”
ESME (Finn): “Oh, I just have a feeling that we’re in a story that squanders a shit-ton of potential.”
I need to tell him what the doctor said. I can feel how much he’s buzzing with impatience out there.
REY: Since I don’t remember that Finn’s Force-sensitive, I should have some questions here, but I’m guessing that I won’t ask them because it doesn’t have to do with the sexytimes.
He’s trying really hard to give you space.
KYLO: Why aren’t we seeing what I’m going through here? It’s gotta be more interesting than other Rey not reacting to anything.
“He- oh,” Rey realized how silly it was to ask who Finn was referring to.
ESME: Yes, clearly he was referring to Palpatine, who’s been so worried about his granddaughter.
She inclined her head to let him know he could go. Finn disappeared through the door for a while. Rey could hear him speaking, followed by Ren’s deep voice.
KYLO: And what are we SAYING?
REY: You’d think other me would be a bit curious about that.
Rey sighed. She would need to see him. See her children. If this truly wasn’t some trick, some force illusion, then she couldn’t keep herself away from them. They were probably very worried about their mother and Rey knew all too well what that felt like.
ESME: Another moment that could have potential if done better. Rey has spent her whole life waiting for her parents to return and now she’s discovered that she herself is a mother. Even though she hates the person her husband used to be and she remembers nothing of her family, she can still sympathize with her children because she knows what it’s like to have absent parents and she doesn’t want them to suffer that same loneliness even for a short time.
REY: In addition, wouldn’t I be curious about whether or not I ever learned who my parents are? Since I learned that Palpatine is my grandfather and I don’t seem to care one bit, wouldn’t I at least care about learning who my parents are?
ESME: Say it with me – it doesn’t have enough to do with sexytimes.
How am I going to do this? Rey nibbled on her bottom lip.
REY: Why do so many fics have me do the Bella lip bite?
When Finn returned he said his goodbyes. It was getting late and he and Poe were going to head home for the night. “I’ll come see you first thing tomorrow.”
ESME: Since Finn and Poe are heading home together, does that mean they’re a couple?
KYLO: Here’s betting we won’t get an answer.
Rey gave him a small smile. Thank you, Finn. Say thank you to Poe too.”
REY: Say thank you to the person I don’t remember.
”Will do.” Finn flicked his eyes to the door and back to Rey. “He wants to see you.”
ESME: In context, it sounds like Poe is the one who wants to see Rey.
“Yeah, sure. Send him in,” Rey said.
REY: I’m fine being alone with Kylo Ren just like that? Wouldn’t I at least want Finn to stick around for the first time I talk to him?
Finn chuckled.
KYLO: What was so funny?
”Well, this is his bedroom too after all, even if you’ve been hogging the bed for a while.
KYLO: All the more reason why she should have been in a HOSPITAL.
I think he’s been sleeping on the double with the twins so he wouldn’t risk bumping any of your medical equipment.
REY: And that medical equipment seems to have disappeared now.
Rey’s mouth dropped open a little, but she said nothing. She sighed. “Thanks again Finn.”
REY: So I said nothing but I also said something.
Finn left. Rey held her breath.
Ren burst into the room and then suddenly stopped as if remembering he should be careful around her. He stood awkwardly at the door.
KYLO: I still think that seeing what I’ve been going through would be more interesting than watching other Rey not emote.
”Rey.”
Rey didn’t trust herself to speak.
You. A scavenger.
“I’m so glad you’re alright.”
REY: Again, I’m NOT all right when I don’t remember the last three years.
Rey could see it and feel it rippling through the force, how badly he wanted to reach out to her, embrace her.
ESME: Another moment that SHOULD be heartbreaking. Seriously, Ben has been through hell while his wife was in a coma and he’s relieved that she’s finally awake, so of course he wants to embrace her, but she sees him as Kylo Ren. Moreover, Rey can sense all this, but at the same time she can’t bring herself to let him embrace her. They should both be completely overwhelmed with intense emotion here, but instead, we just have a dull statement that he wants to embrace her.
”I- I don’t know how to do this,” Ren said.
“Me either.”
REY: Neither does the story.
”I don’t want to be forceful, but I want-“ Ren trailed off.
KYLO: Oh sure, talk about being forceful when you know the interrogation is fresh in your wife’s mind again. Well done, other me.
Rey didn’t know what to say. She needed to make herself believe this was her husband and that Kylo Ren had truly changed, but she couldn’t help how far away he felt from her.
REY: I’ll have to take your word for that, since other me sure isn’t showing anything.
Ren walked forward a few paces, then stopped himself. “I-“
Watching him flounder like this was a little amusing. Rey’s eyes moved from his twitching hands to the tips of his pinkening ears.
REY: (facepalms) Nothing distracts from patricide like awkward floundering.
The doctor said we could try to help my memory recover,” Rey said. “I think I should see the… kids… first. Then I would like to shower. And then maybe you can show me one of our memories. I’m tired and I don’t know what that kind of use of the force will do so I’d like to be prepared to sleep if I need to.”
REY: (stares) I’m letting him back inside my mind just like that and I’m perfectly okay with it??? WHAT THE FUCK??
That seemed to calm him quite a bit. A plan. He liked that.
KYLO: Yeah, I’m not really a plan person. I’m more of a spontaneously cut your boss in half person.
”Right. Good. I’ll go get them.”
He left quickly. Rey’s heart thudded in her chest
REY: As opposed to my heart thudding in my foot?
as she waited for him to return.
She heard them before she saw them. “Mum!” Two voices shrieked and footsteps echoed down the hall.
KYLO: So do the kids know that their mom doesn’t remember them?
A boy and a girl, about two years old, crashed through the door.
ESME: And I guess we’re not going to know what they look like.
”Han, Paige. I told you to slow down.”
ESME: They named their son Han – okay, I can get behind that, despite the fact that the fic’s barely acknowledged Han’s existence. But Paige? Why would they name their daughter Paige when neither of them knew Paige? Wouldn’t ROSE be more likely to name her kid Paige?
The deep frown of his face reminded Rey most of Ren in that moment. The stillness of his anger, the dominance of his presence.
ALL: (stare)
KYLO: So I resemble my dark side self the most when I’m with my KIDS?? What??
REY: Is that supposed to make me feel better about how you’re all changed?
ESME: Congratulations, author, you just managed to give your story a shit-ton of unfortunate implications in two sentences.
REY: Moreover, I sound like I’m ogling how he resembles his dark side self - while I’m meeting my kids.
”Sorry, dad,” Paige said. Han muttered something like an apology too.
ESME: Either the author has never met a two-year-old or Ben intimidates his kids into obeying him on a regular basis.
”Paige?” Rey said quietly. Her eyes flicked to Ren, lost.
“Rose’s sister. She died in the war.”
ESME: Spoiler for the future: we learn later that Rose has a daughter too, so I don’t know why the author has Rey and Ben name their kid Page instead of Rose naming her kid Paige.
Ren’s eyes widened and then he just looked sad. “You’ll remember her. She’s your best friend.”
REY: And Finn doesn’t count as a best friend because . . .?
”Oh.” Rey frowned. Han and Paige jumped into her arms. Their bodies felt warm and small and comforting. It was like even if her brain couldn’t remember them, her heart did.
ESME: Yet ANOTHER moment that should be chock-full of emotion but is instead just blandly stating what’s happening.
Han. Ren’s father.
ESME: Who was BRUTALLY MURDERED BY YOUR HUSBAND, remember that?
KYLO: I don’t think the story remembers that.
And Han Solo.
You feel like he’s the father you never had.
He would have disappointed you.
So much must have changed.
REY: Other me, the last thing you remember is your husband murdering his own father. Murdering. His. Own. Father. Are you really just okay with that?
Rey cuddled her children close. They cried and told her how much they missed her, how scared they were.
KYLO: Thanks for skipping through a potentially emotional moment.
Rey wanted to hold them longer, but she could feel her grip loosen the more tired she became.
REY: So that’s it? That’s the big bonding with the kids?
”Let your mother rest for tonight. She’ll see you again tomorrow,” Ren said.
The twins groaned but they slid from Rey’s arms.
ESME: Yup, this author had definitely never met a two-year-old.
Rey could tell Ren’s rule over them was absolute. I’m not surprised. Rey smiled a little to herself.
ALL: (stare)
REY: I’m SMILING. Other me is SMILING about Ben having “absolute rule” over freaking two-year-olds because it reminds her of Kylo??
ESME: If I were other you, I’d be worried that he abused the kids or something.
KYLO: I also resent the assumption that I’d militarily raise my kids. Hey, my mom and dad knew how to have fun! Sure, I went through a lot of shit hearing voices in my head and all, but I still had fun growing up.
Ren disappeared for a while to put the twins to bed. Then he came back. He sat on the edge of her bed, as far from her as possible.
REY: Did I invite him to sit on the edge of my bed?
He took in a deep breath. “This is… difficult.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so relieved you’re alright,
REY: Yet again, I’m NOT all right when my memory of the last three years has been wiped.
but you think I’m-“
It was like he couldn’t say it. That he was Kylo Ren. But he was. In Rey’s mind, he still was.
ESME: Despite all evidence to the contrary.
”Show me a memory.”
REY: That EXTREMELY TRAUMATIC interrogation is still fresh in your mind, other me, not that the story remembers.
Ren met her eyes. He twisted his mouth in a way that felt familiar. He was thinking about it. Trying to choose which memory to show her.
ESME: (monotone) He did this. He did this. He did this.
His wavy, dark hair fell into his eyes. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in a while.
KYLO: Again, seeing what other me has been up to probably would be more interesting than watching other Rey not emote.
”Alright.” Ren moved closer to her. When he first reached for her face, Rey flinched back. It was too much like their first face to face meeting on Starkiller base. Ren withdrew his hand. “Sorry.”
KYLO: You’d think other me would be feeling an insane amount of guilt here.
”No. Do it.” Rey steadied herself.
REY: (grinds teeth)
Ren’s finger tips lightly brushed over her temples.
It felt like a dream.
REY: You mean a nightmare.
It was a memory through his eyes. Ren was looking around the room. The living room, the one Rey had fainted in earlier. There was clearly some kind of gathering at their house. There were at least twenty people there.
KYLO: That sounds like too many people for my liking.
Finn. Poe. And a bunch of others Rey couldn’t name.
ESME: Are they doing anything, or are they all just awkwardly standing around?
Ren was tucked into a back corner of the room. Not really interacting with anyone.
REY: How can I see him when I’m seeing the memory from his point of view?
His gaze came to rest on Rey. She was sitting with a black haired girl. Rose.
REY: Rather presumptuous of other me to assume that she must be Rose.
Rey was laughing really hard at something. The kind of laugh where her teeth were showing and her eyes crinkled. When she had finished laughing she looked over at Ren and smiled a little smile, just for him.
REY: I suppose it’s too much to hope that other me will actually react to seeing herself smile at Kylo Ren.
And that was it. That was the memory. Ren took his fingers away from her temple.
She felt tired, as she predicted she might. “Thank you.”
REY: (facepalms) Yes, THANK YOU for prying into my mind AGAIN.
KYLO: I also love how you’ve got nothing to say or think about the memory itself.
Ren gave a little nod and stood up. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Ok.” It didn’t take long for Rey to fall asleep.
ESME: And that’s the end of the chapter. I could repeat myself about how once again we had a chapter full of potential that failed to live up to any of it, but instead I have another spitefic.
Ben lost track of how long he had been pacing around the living room, his heart racing, his brain whirling. The image of his wife staring at him in complete, utter horror kept invading his mind, reminding him once again of the things he did, the ways he had hurt her.
“Hey,” Poe said from the couch, “driving yourself insane isn’t gonna help Rey.”
“And what would you do in this situation?” Ben snapped. “You didn’t see the way she looked at me!” He abruptly ceased his pacing, staring down at his hands – the hands that had murdered his father, the hands that had stretched out to invade Rey’s mind . . .
“No, I didn’t,” said Poe. “I’m not gonna pretend to understand what either of you are going through, but I know you’ve gotta keep it together for the kids’ sake.”
Ben let out a sigh as he sank down on the couch next to Poe. “How long can I hide this from the kids?”
“They’re two,” said Poe. “They probably won’t catch on that their mom doesn’t remember them.”
“They have the Force!” Ben snapped. “Even if they don’t realize that Rey doesn’t remember them, they’ll feel that something’s wrong.”
“Okay, maybe they will, but they’ll still have their dad to help them get through this.”
Ben felt his breath shortening as his hand reflexively went to his chest. “She thinks I’m him! That look she gave me, the same look she used to give him . . .”
Poe chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment as if unsure how to proceed. “Well, you’ve gotta convince her that you’re not him anymore.”
“How?” Ben felt tears building up at the edges of his eyes.
“Well . . . I don’t know exactly. Be yourself?”
Ben squeezed his hands together to keep them from shaking, his eyes squeezing shut in a losing battle against the tears. “Maybe this happened because I’m not supposed to be happy. I don’t deserve a family, so the Force is taking it away from me.”
“Ben, come on, thinking like that won’t help her.” Poe reached out and put his hand on Ben’s back. “Now look, you love Rey and we all care about her. We all want to do whatever it takes to get her memory back.”
Now the tears were streaming down Ben’s cheeks. His every blink brought his dear wife’s face to his mind, staring at him in horror, the hatred and fear flowing from her as if he had murdered his father again. “How can I ask her to even look at me when she thinks I’m . . .?”
Poe patted Ben’s back. “I don’t know, but we’ll all work together to help her. You won’t have to do this alone.”
KYLO: So is anything going to HAPPEN in this chapter?
ESME: Not much really happens in this story at all.
REY: Better than infuriating stuff happening. Come on, let’s get started. Maybe other me will actually learn to emote.
The doctor came an hour later.
KYLO: And I take it, the doctor’s not going to get a name.
He asked Rey a bunch of questions about what she remembered since she woke up and since before her injury. Then he called Finn back into the room.
REY: Well that was quick.
”She has retrograde amnesia. It’s not uncommon with head trauma. Her memory should recover the more she heals. It might take six to nine months,” he said.
REY: Sixty-nine months??
KYLO: No, six to nine months.
Rey stared at the man’s wrinkled face. Six to nine months and then she might remember everything from her life that led her to be married to Kylo Ren.
REY: Again, other me sure accepted being married to Kylo Ren real fast. Not to mention being PALPATINE’S GRANDDAUGHTER.
”Is there anyway
ESME: Any way, not anyway.
KYLO: Is your English Major Mode really necessary?
ESME: Yes, especially since I’m currently working as a tutor who goes over college essays. English Major Mode is useful.
to make it return faster?” Rey asked.
“It’s best not to force your recovery, but you can search out familiar places with people you care for. Maybe something will feel more familiar than it should and help your pathways heal.” The doctor said.
“What about using the force?
ESME: Yet again, the Force is capitalized.
I fainted when I tried to call my sabre.”
ESME: And as I pointed out earlier, she shouldn’t think of it as “her” saber when the last thing she remembers is Starkiller Base.
”I’ll leave that up to you. I don’t understand the force very well, but it probably wasn’t wise to use it the moment you woke up.
KYLO: It also wasn’t wise to not monitor her.
But as you feel better there should be no reason to refrain.”
KYLO: Aside from the fact that she DOESN’T REMEMBER ANY OF HER TRAINING.
Rey nodded. “Alright. Thank you.”
The doctor left
ESME: The story.
and Rey turned her gaze to Finn. He was looking out the door nervously.
“What is it Finn?”
ESME (Finn): “Oh, I just have a feeling that we’re in a story that squanders a shit-ton of potential.”
I need to tell him what the doctor said. I can feel how much he’s buzzing with impatience out there.
REY: Since I don’t remember that Finn’s Force-sensitive, I should have some questions here, but I’m guessing that I won’t ask them because it doesn’t have to do with the sexytimes.
He’s trying really hard to give you space.
KYLO: Why aren’t we seeing what I’m going through here? It’s gotta be more interesting than other Rey not reacting to anything.
“He- oh,” Rey realized how silly it was to ask who Finn was referring to.
ESME: Yes, clearly he was referring to Palpatine, who’s been so worried about his granddaughter.
She inclined her head to let him know he could go. Finn disappeared through the door for a while. Rey could hear him speaking, followed by Ren’s deep voice.
KYLO: And what are we SAYING?
REY: You’d think other me would be a bit curious about that.
Rey sighed. She would need to see him. See her children. If this truly wasn’t some trick, some force illusion, then she couldn’t keep herself away from them. They were probably very worried about their mother and Rey knew all too well what that felt like.
ESME: Another moment that could have potential if done better. Rey has spent her whole life waiting for her parents to return and now she’s discovered that she herself is a mother. Even though she hates the person her husband used to be and she remembers nothing of her family, she can still sympathize with her children because she knows what it’s like to have absent parents and she doesn’t want them to suffer that same loneliness even for a short time.
REY: In addition, wouldn’t I be curious about whether or not I ever learned who my parents are? Since I learned that Palpatine is my grandfather and I don’t seem to care one bit, wouldn’t I at least care about learning who my parents are?
ESME: Say it with me – it doesn’t have enough to do with sexytimes.
How am I going to do this? Rey nibbled on her bottom lip.
REY: Why do so many fics have me do the Bella lip bite?
When Finn returned he said his goodbyes. It was getting late and he and Poe were going to head home for the night. “I’ll come see you first thing tomorrow.”
ESME: Since Finn and Poe are heading home together, does that mean they’re a couple?
KYLO: Here’s betting we won’t get an answer.
Rey gave him a small smile. Thank you, Finn. Say thank you to Poe too.”
REY: Say thank you to the person I don’t remember.
”Will do.” Finn flicked his eyes to the door and back to Rey. “He wants to see you.”
ESME: In context, it sounds like Poe is the one who wants to see Rey.
“Yeah, sure. Send him in,” Rey said.
REY: I’m fine being alone with Kylo Ren just like that? Wouldn’t I at least want Finn to stick around for the first time I talk to him?
Finn chuckled.
KYLO: What was so funny?
”Well, this is his bedroom too after all, even if you’ve been hogging the bed for a while.
KYLO: All the more reason why she should have been in a HOSPITAL.
I think he’s been sleeping on the double with the twins so he wouldn’t risk bumping any of your medical equipment.
REY: And that medical equipment seems to have disappeared now.
Rey’s mouth dropped open a little, but she said nothing. She sighed. “Thanks again Finn.”
REY: So I said nothing but I also said something.
Finn left. Rey held her breath.
Ren burst into the room and then suddenly stopped as if remembering he should be careful around her. He stood awkwardly at the door.
KYLO: I still think that seeing what I’ve been going through would be more interesting than watching other Rey not emote.
”Rey.”
Rey didn’t trust herself to speak.
You. A scavenger.
“I’m so glad you’re alright.”
REY: Again, I’m NOT all right when I don’t remember the last three years.
Rey could see it and feel it rippling through the force, how badly he wanted to reach out to her, embrace her.
ESME: Another moment that SHOULD be heartbreaking. Seriously, Ben has been through hell while his wife was in a coma and he’s relieved that she’s finally awake, so of course he wants to embrace her, but she sees him as Kylo Ren. Moreover, Rey can sense all this, but at the same time she can’t bring herself to let him embrace her. They should both be completely overwhelmed with intense emotion here, but instead, we just have a dull statement that he wants to embrace her.
”I- I don’t know how to do this,” Ren said.
“Me either.”
REY: Neither does the story.
”I don’t want to be forceful, but I want-“ Ren trailed off.
KYLO: Oh sure, talk about being forceful when you know the interrogation is fresh in your wife’s mind again. Well done, other me.
Rey didn’t know what to say. She needed to make herself believe this was her husband and that Kylo Ren had truly changed, but she couldn’t help how far away he felt from her.
REY: I’ll have to take your word for that, since other me sure isn’t showing anything.
Ren walked forward a few paces, then stopped himself. “I-“
Watching him flounder like this was a little amusing. Rey’s eyes moved from his twitching hands to the tips of his pinkening ears.
REY: (facepalms) Nothing distracts from patricide like awkward floundering.
The doctor said we could try to help my memory recover,” Rey said. “I think I should see the… kids… first. Then I would like to shower. And then maybe you can show me one of our memories. I’m tired and I don’t know what that kind of use of the force will do so I’d like to be prepared to sleep if I need to.”
REY: (stares) I’m letting him back inside my mind just like that and I’m perfectly okay with it??? WHAT THE FUCK??
That seemed to calm him quite a bit. A plan. He liked that.
KYLO: Yeah, I’m not really a plan person. I’m more of a spontaneously cut your boss in half person.
”Right. Good. I’ll go get them.”
He left quickly. Rey’s heart thudded in her chest
REY: As opposed to my heart thudding in my foot?
as she waited for him to return.
She heard them before she saw them. “Mum!” Two voices shrieked and footsteps echoed down the hall.
KYLO: So do the kids know that their mom doesn’t remember them?
A boy and a girl, about two years old, crashed through the door.
ESME: And I guess we’re not going to know what they look like.
”Han, Paige. I told you to slow down.”
ESME: They named their son Han – okay, I can get behind that, despite the fact that the fic’s barely acknowledged Han’s existence. But Paige? Why would they name their daughter Paige when neither of them knew Paige? Wouldn’t ROSE be more likely to name her kid Paige?
The deep frown of his face reminded Rey most of Ren in that moment. The stillness of his anger, the dominance of his presence.
ALL: (stare)
KYLO: So I resemble my dark side self the most when I’m with my KIDS?? What??
REY: Is that supposed to make me feel better about how you’re all changed?
ESME: Congratulations, author, you just managed to give your story a shit-ton of unfortunate implications in two sentences.
REY: Moreover, I sound like I’m ogling how he resembles his dark side self - while I’m meeting my kids.
”Sorry, dad,” Paige said. Han muttered something like an apology too.
ESME: Either the author has never met a two-year-old or Ben intimidates his kids into obeying him on a regular basis.
”Paige?” Rey said quietly. Her eyes flicked to Ren, lost.
“Rose’s sister. She died in the war.”
ESME: Spoiler for the future: we learn later that Rose has a daughter too, so I don’t know why the author has Rey and Ben name their kid Page instead of Rose naming her kid Paige.
Ren’s eyes widened and then he just looked sad. “You’ll remember her. She’s your best friend.”
REY: And Finn doesn’t count as a best friend because . . .?
”Oh.” Rey frowned. Han and Paige jumped into her arms. Their bodies felt warm and small and comforting. It was like even if her brain couldn’t remember them, her heart did.
ESME: Yet ANOTHER moment that should be chock-full of emotion but is instead just blandly stating what’s happening.
Han. Ren’s father.
ESME: Who was BRUTALLY MURDERED BY YOUR HUSBAND, remember that?
KYLO: I don’t think the story remembers that.
And Han Solo.
You feel like he’s the father you never had.
He would have disappointed you.
So much must have changed.
REY: Other me, the last thing you remember is your husband murdering his own father. Murdering. His. Own. Father. Are you really just okay with that?
Rey cuddled her children close. They cried and told her how much they missed her, how scared they were.
KYLO: Thanks for skipping through a potentially emotional moment.
Rey wanted to hold them longer, but she could feel her grip loosen the more tired she became.
REY: So that’s it? That’s the big bonding with the kids?
”Let your mother rest for tonight. She’ll see you again tomorrow,” Ren said.
The twins groaned but they slid from Rey’s arms.
ESME: Yup, this author had definitely never met a two-year-old.
Rey could tell Ren’s rule over them was absolute. I’m not surprised. Rey smiled a little to herself.
ALL: (stare)
REY: I’m SMILING. Other me is SMILING about Ben having “absolute rule” over freaking two-year-olds because it reminds her of Kylo??
ESME: If I were other you, I’d be worried that he abused the kids or something.
KYLO: I also resent the assumption that I’d militarily raise my kids. Hey, my mom and dad knew how to have fun! Sure, I went through a lot of shit hearing voices in my head and all, but I still had fun growing up.
Ren disappeared for a while to put the twins to bed. Then he came back. He sat on the edge of her bed, as far from her as possible.
REY: Did I invite him to sit on the edge of my bed?
He took in a deep breath. “This is… difficult.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so relieved you’re alright,
REY: Yet again, I’m NOT all right when my memory of the last three years has been wiped.
but you think I’m-“
It was like he couldn’t say it. That he was Kylo Ren. But he was. In Rey’s mind, he still was.
ESME: Despite all evidence to the contrary.
”Show me a memory.”
REY: That EXTREMELY TRAUMATIC interrogation is still fresh in your mind, other me, not that the story remembers.
Ren met her eyes. He twisted his mouth in a way that felt familiar. He was thinking about it. Trying to choose which memory to show her.
ESME: (monotone) He did this. He did this. He did this.
His wavy, dark hair fell into his eyes. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in a while.
KYLO: Again, seeing what other me has been up to probably would be more interesting than watching other Rey not emote.
”Alright.” Ren moved closer to her. When he first reached for her face, Rey flinched back. It was too much like their first face to face meeting on Starkiller base. Ren withdrew his hand. “Sorry.”
KYLO: You’d think other me would be feeling an insane amount of guilt here.
”No. Do it.” Rey steadied herself.
REY: (grinds teeth)
Ren’s finger tips lightly brushed over her temples.
It felt like a dream.
REY: You mean a nightmare.
It was a memory through his eyes. Ren was looking around the room. The living room, the one Rey had fainted in earlier. There was clearly some kind of gathering at their house. There were at least twenty people there.
KYLO: That sounds like too many people for my liking.
Finn. Poe. And a bunch of others Rey couldn’t name.
ESME: Are they doing anything, or are they all just awkwardly standing around?
Ren was tucked into a back corner of the room. Not really interacting with anyone.
REY: How can I see him when I’m seeing the memory from his point of view?
His gaze came to rest on Rey. She was sitting with a black haired girl. Rose.
REY: Rather presumptuous of other me to assume that she must be Rose.
Rey was laughing really hard at something. The kind of laugh where her teeth were showing and her eyes crinkled. When she had finished laughing she looked over at Ren and smiled a little smile, just for him.
REY: I suppose it’s too much to hope that other me will actually react to seeing herself smile at Kylo Ren.
And that was it. That was the memory. Ren took his fingers away from her temple.
She felt tired, as she predicted she might. “Thank you.”
REY: (facepalms) Yes, THANK YOU for prying into my mind AGAIN.
KYLO: I also love how you’ve got nothing to say or think about the memory itself.
Ren gave a little nod and stood up. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Ok.” It didn’t take long for Rey to fall asleep.
ESME: And that’s the end of the chapter. I could repeat myself about how once again we had a chapter full of potential that failed to live up to any of it, but instead I have another spitefic.
Ben lost track of how long he had been pacing around the living room, his heart racing, his brain whirling. The image of his wife staring at him in complete, utter horror kept invading his mind, reminding him once again of the things he did, the ways he had hurt her.
“Hey,” Poe said from the couch, “driving yourself insane isn’t gonna help Rey.”
“And what would you do in this situation?” Ben snapped. “You didn’t see the way she looked at me!” He abruptly ceased his pacing, staring down at his hands – the hands that had murdered his father, the hands that had stretched out to invade Rey’s mind . . .
“No, I didn’t,” said Poe. “I’m not gonna pretend to understand what either of you are going through, but I know you’ve gotta keep it together for the kids’ sake.”
Ben let out a sigh as he sank down on the couch next to Poe. “How long can I hide this from the kids?”
“They’re two,” said Poe. “They probably won’t catch on that their mom doesn’t remember them.”
“They have the Force!” Ben snapped. “Even if they don’t realize that Rey doesn’t remember them, they’ll feel that something’s wrong.”
“Okay, maybe they will, but they’ll still have their dad to help them get through this.”
Ben felt his breath shortening as his hand reflexively went to his chest. “She thinks I’m him! That look she gave me, the same look she used to give him . . .”
Poe chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment as if unsure how to proceed. “Well, you’ve gotta convince her that you’re not him anymore.”
“How?” Ben felt tears building up at the edges of his eyes.
“Well . . . I don’t know exactly. Be yourself?”
Ben squeezed his hands together to keep them from shaking, his eyes squeezing shut in a losing battle against the tears. “Maybe this happened because I’m not supposed to be happy. I don’t deserve a family, so the Force is taking it away from me.”
“Ben, come on, thinking like that won’t help her.” Poe reached out and put his hand on Ben’s back. “Now look, you love Rey and we all care about her. We all want to do whatever it takes to get her memory back.”
Now the tears were streaming down Ben’s cheeks. His every blink brought his dear wife’s face to his mind, staring at him in horror, the hatred and fear flowing from her as if he had murdered his father again. “How can I ask her to even look at me when she thinks I’m . . .?”
Poe patted Ben’s back. “I don’t know, but we’ll all work together to help her. You won’t have to do this alone.”