Just a Memory - Chapter 5
Feb. 13th, 2025 02:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
esmeandfictionLast time, Ben showed Rey memories of their Force-linked conversations and not much else happened. But now we’re at the LAST chapter, so surely SOMETHING will happen, right?
REY: Didn’t we just start this? How are we at the last chapter already?
ESME: It happens a lot in the world of fanfiction – authors abandon their stories after a few chapters.
KYLO: If only Dave Wolverton had done that.
Rey could tell it was very early.
ESME: I see we’re in tell-don’t show land. Would it kill you to describe the rising sun peeking into the bedroom or something like that?
She got out of bed and tiptoed down the hall. Rey cracked open the door
ESME: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Star Wars doors SLIDE open.
to the twin’s room.
ESME: They have only one twin now?
She found Ben in there as well. He was sleeping on some blankets laid out on the floor and the twins were sleeping on top of him.
KYLO: I thought Finn said I’d been sleeping “on the double.” Why am I sleeping on the floor now?
They had started out in their own beds. Rey was sure, since she had put them to bed last night. They must have crawled down to sleep with their dad in the night.
REY: Nice to see that I still don’t care about Ben’s dad. I bet Han would have liked to be alive to see his grandkids.
Rey looked at his face. Ben was soft in sleep. His features less troubled, less stern. He was so handsome. Rey had thought that the first time she saw him.
REY: Handsome people can still murder their fathers, other me.
Looking at him now, asleep on the floor,
KYLO: Don’t we have a COUCH I could sleep on?
made Rey realize how much her memory loss had affected him. He wasn’t just a worried husband, he was a widow living with a ghost that looked like his wife.
ESME: That’s an intriguing idea, but unfortunately it isn’t earned because Rey has been all accepting for almost the whole story.
Tears formed at the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t let him sleep on the floor anymore. This was their house, even if Rey didn’t remember that yet.
REY: So just like that, I’m comfortable sleeping with him?
Rey left the twin’s room and opened a door to a room she hadn’t been in before. It was an office.
KYLO: We have an office? Does that mean we actually have jobs?
A calligraphy set was on a desk in the corner of the room. Rey and Ben’s lightsabers were there as well.
KYLO: Except I threw my lightsaber in the ocean . . . or did I? What happened during that scene in this timeline?
REY: And did I still bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers on Tatooine? Some answers would be nice.
Rey returned to the kitchen. She wanted to make breakfast for her family, but she didn’t know how to cook.
REY: I know how to make dehydrated bread.
I wonder if I ever learned.
“You didn’t.”
REY: (stares) Other me, he’s casually reading your mind now. Doesn’t that bother you just a little bit?
Rey turned to see Ben standing in the hall, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Rey smiled. “I’m not surprised by that answer.”
REY: (groans) Are we sure other me didn’t forget about the mind-rape and the patricide as well?
”Would you be surprised to know that you tried and I disallowed it?
KYLO: Disallowed? So I didn’t offer to TEACH her to cook? I just forbade it like some sexist patriarch?
You made something so gross no one would touch it, and nearly set the kitchen on fire.”
“It probably had a lot of butter in it.”
“It did.”
REY: Butter was pretty hard to come by on Jakku.
”Butter has a lot of good fats!”
“You said that then too. No dish should be made mostly of butter. We’re not starving scavengers. You forget that sometimes.”
KYLO: That sounds like I’m scolding her for having to grow up a scavenger.
Ben moved through the kitchen efficiently and pulled things out of cupboards and the fridge. He made breakfast for them and the twins, who were up as soon as breakfast was on the table. He packed their lunches too. “They’re going to play school today.”
“Oh,” Rey said.
REY: Okay, this is getting ridiculous how the story keeps skipping through me interacting with the children.
”We take turns flying them in. Rose and Finn have offered to cover this whole week to help you recover. Usually we do Wednesdays and Fridays.”
ESME: The Star Wars universe doesn’t use our days of the week.
”I see.” Rey nodded. She sipped her tea as Ben continued to get the twins ready for play school with a level of military efficiency that made it obvious to her why he’d become so valuable to the First Order.
KYLO: They’re two, other me! Being militant with two-year-olds sounds borderline abusive.
Rey hardly had time to blink before the twins were dressed in uniforms and out the door. They looked perfect.
REY: Not that the story’s going to actually describe what they look like.
”Bye mom!”
“Bye!” Rey waved at Han and blew kisses at Paige.
REY: So the boy doesn’t get blown kisses? Nice to see that other me is sexist.
Leia waved from the speeder.
KYLO: The speeder that just apparently appeared out of nowhere.
Hux buckled the twins in. Apparently it was Rose and Hux’s turn today.
KYLO: Oh really? I totally didn’t figure that out when Hux buckled the twins in!
When they were gone and it was quiet once again, Rey twisted her hands together and watched Ben clean up the kitchen.
REY: I can’t help him clean?
”What is my role in all this? You’re so… organized.”
“Fun.”
“What?”
REY: I don’t get the concept of fun?
KYLO: Well the author thinks I don’t get the concept of fun.
Ben stopped what he was doing to look at her. “Your role is fun. You let the twins play in mud puddles and finger paint, while I fuss about how much of a mess it will make. You read them books doing all the voices, while I never know what to say. You make me stop working
KYLO: Working? So I DO have a job? Mind telling us what my job IS?
or training to swim in the lake with you. You make our lives fun. Brighter.” Ben said all this like it didn’t take him more than a second to think it all up. “The twins would hate me if it weren’t for you.”
KYLO: That’s seriously tragic if I genuinely believe my own kids would HATE me if it weren’t for Rey, but the story’s treating that like it’s a big nothing.
Rey frowned. She doubted that was true. “You’re not fun?”
“I don’t do fun.”
KYLO: My parents are rolling in their nonexistent graves at their son rejecting the entire notion of fun.
Rey laughed.
REY: What was so funny?
”You can sleep in our room again,” she blurted out.
Ben’s body went stiff and then he let out a shuddering breath. “Good. Thank you.”
REY: Yes, I’m sure that won’t get awkward at all.
”I- uh. Sure,” Rey fumbled. She watched him while he cleaned up from breakfast. The way his forearms tensed and relaxed. The way his brows furrowed when he scrubbed a stubborn stain.
REY: And as we all know, horniness automatically erases patricide.
KYLO: You’ve said that how many times?
REY: It continues to be relevant.
What would Rey from the past have said if to know she and Ren had-
KYLO: Fucked. You can say it.
She sort of knew, didn’t she? Her attraction had been instant, but her memories only went as far as her escape from Starkiller base.
KYLO: Really? I didn’t know that!
Did she think of him after? Did she think about what she’d want to do with him? To him?
REY: Did I think about how he killed his own father?
Rey walked over to Ben. He was drying his hands on a dish towel. He looked up at her, puzzled.
“What bothers you most right now?” she asked.
KYLO: That I keep getting roped into sporking.
Ben’s jaw worked as he thought. “That you don’t remember.”
Rey rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”
“Obviously.” His intense stare reminded her of Kylo Ren in that moment.
REY: Other me’s almost starting to sound like she wants him to turn back to the dark side because he’s hotter that way.
”You don’t remember how much you worried over the twins when you were pregnant. Or that you stayed up all night planning our house. You wanted so many windows. You got them all. You don’t remember how I held you while you cried over something Han said to you. Our son, not my father.
REY: What did the two-year-old say that had me in tears?
Though you’ve cried about him too.” Ben looked away. “So have I.”
ESME: All right, spitefic time. And no, I have no idea if Han still appeared to Ben in this timeline or not, but since the story didn’t bother explaining, I’m gonna include my favorite scene in the sequel trilogy.
”I’m being torn apart. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
Rey’s chest tightened at the memory, fresh and vivid. The flames shooting through Han’s torso, his hand harnessing his last bit of strength to touch his son’s cheek, his body falling into the endless chasm.
“I’m sorry,” Ben quickly said. “I didn’t mean to . . . I didn’t think about how it’s fresh in your mind again.”
“It’s okay,” said Rey, wiping her hand over her eyes. “It’s just . . .” She trailed off, not knowing what she was about to say.
Ben gazed into her eyes, blinking rapidly as if trying to keep tears in. “He appeared to me once.”
Rey’s heart jumped. “What?”
He awkwardly ran a hand through his hair. “I still don’t know if it was real . . . but I’m not usually prone to hallucinations.” A long sigh. “It was . . . well, it’s a long story, but the short version is that we had a lightsaber duel where you ran my own lightsaber through me. But then . . . then you healed me.”
“Wait, what?”
Despite the circumstances, he flashed a small grin at her, making him look – Rey was loathe to admit it – cute. “It’s a skill you have. We both have it – we can heal people through the Force by transferring our energy. I wouldn’t recommend trying it until you remember more of your training, though.”
Rey gulped, glancing at her hand, feeling for a moment like she could see it pressing against his skin, next to an open wound, but she wasn’t sure if she was remembering or just visualizing. “What happened next?”
“You stole my TIE Fighter and flew away,” said Ben. “I was all alone, unsure, terrified, but then he appeared.” He gave a hard swallow, his eyes glistening. “The love that flowed from him despite everything I’ve done . . .”
Rey’s heart sped up, a lump forming in her throat. There were a thousand questions rushing through her mind, but she feared that if she opened her mouth to ask any of them she would start crying.
Ben’s hand slowly reached up, his fingers brushing his cheek. “I still feel his touch sometimes.”
Now Rey couldn’t stop the tears from creeping down her cheeks. Her mind’s eye saw Han, knowing he was about to die, giving his last bit of energy to show his son that he forgave him.
Ben reached out as if to comfort her, but stopped himself before he could actually touch her. “You cried the first time I told you about it too,” he said in a low voice. “We both did. I held you and we cried together, taking comfort from each other.”
Rey sniffled, staring at his arm frozen mid-reach. “I wish I could let you hold me,” she whispered. “I wish I felt safe in your arms, but I don’t.”
His arm slowly dropped down, his gaze lowering. “I wish Dad were here right now.”
Dad. The word made the tears flow faster. “I do too.”
Again, not great, but I tried to inject actual emotion.
Tears pricked at her eyes. “But what about you, Ben?”
KYLO: I’m stuck in the Sporking Chamber, that’s what about me.
”Me? I’m alright. I can wait. I can handle it.”
“You don’t have to handle it. You can tell me.”
ESME: Again, this would be a nice moment if it were earned.
”I-“ He still wasn’t looking at her. “I miss sleeping with you. The way you hog the bed. I don’t like that you look at me like I’m still him. You don’t remember our first kiss, the first time we-“ There was a tear rolling down his cheek now too.
REY: How can I see the tear if he’s not looking at me?
Then he turned to look at her with heat in his gaze. “I want you to remember how much I like gripping your hips, that I know what happens when I kiss this spot.” He touched a spot just behind her ear. “That you like to run your fingers through my hair. That I like it when you pull.”
KYLO: (groans) Notice how I don’t mention things like how she doesn’t remember our wedding or the birth of our children. Nope, the most important thing is the SEX.
Rey’s heart hammered in her chest.
REY: Thanks for reminding us that the heart is in the chest.
Her mouth dropped open and a small gasp escaped her lips.
ESME: And three guesses what’s coming next.
She placed her hands on his forearms. Touching him like she knew him. Rey knew this was familiar and she knew her past self from three years ago would have wondered how it felt to touch him.
REY: Did the author pay ANY attention during the Starkiller Base battle? Guess what, I damn well WASN’T thinking about sex after he murdered Han!
She slid her hands up his arms and Ben reached out to pull her close. He hugged her tightly to his body, as if he was afraid of losing her. He probably was.
KYLO: When she doesn’t remember anything of the last three years, I already HAVE lost her in a sense, but I guess that doesn’t matter when there’s sex to be had.
His hand moved up her side. She felt small in his arms.
Rey ran her hand along his bicep, enjoying the hard muscles that stiffened under her finger tips.
REY: Nice to see how quick I am to fuck Han’s killer when to my memory he was murdered two days ago.
She looked into his eyes and saw the affection in them. His eyes moved to her lips. She gasped when his lips met hers. His kiss held all the affection she had seen in his eyes.
REY: (groans) You know what, say what you will about our canon kiss, but at least he had to EARN it.
Ben pulled her onto the couch.
KYLO: HEY, she didn’t give consent to be manhandled, other me!
He slid his hand inside her shirt and pushed it up and over her shoulders.
KYLO: AND she didn’t give consent to be undressed!
The feel of his skin on hers made Rey suck in a breath.
REY: Convenient that I’m not getting any flashbacks of being mind-raped.
Ben removed his shirt and Rey couldn’t take her eyes off his chest. He chuckled at her expression. “You’ve seen it before.”
REY: Oh yes, we all remember THAT scene.
She reached her hand out tentatively, wanting to touch him again.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, placing her palm against his chest. Rey glanced at him quickly for reassurance and then ran her hand along his skin.
REY: You’d think I’d feel at least a little bit funny doing this, but that would mean an issue.
”I’m your husband,” Ben said. “Yours to touch.” She buried her nose in his neck, inhaling deeply to take in the smell of him. He smelled like the forest in the morning.
KYLO: Since she grew up in the desert and doesn’t remember anything since Starkiller Base, how is she able to tell the difference between a forest smell in the morning and a forest smell at any other time?
She kissed his neck and moved up to his jaw. He growled with contentment as she kissed along his jawline and found his lips once again.
REY: I guess amnesia is no big deal now.
Ben rid them of both their clothing.
KYLO: Again, she didn’t give consent and she doesn’t remember anything of our marriage!
He pushed Rey back on the couch, moving over her in a possessive way that made her breath hitch.
She felt like prey.
REY: (stares) And I’m OKAY with feeling like prey with the person who mind-raped me??
She felt a pressure at her entrance
ESME: Ah yes, “entrance,” the most cliché euphemism for the vagina ever.
and sucked in a breath. Ben kissed her cheek and pushed inside her. Rey gasped and arched her back. He kissed her once more before he started moving. His pace was controlled and measured.
REY: (sighs) As usual in Reylo fics, the patricide doesn’t matter if he delivers in bed.
Rey’s heart fluttered when she heard rumbles of pleasure coming from him.
KYLO: And I don’t feel just a little bit funny fucking her when she doesn’t remember anything?
Her head tilted back and her eyes closed as he quickened his pace. She ran her hands along his chest until they found his shoulders where she gripped tightly. Pressure started to build in her stomach. He moved faster. Rey couldn’t breathe
ESME: And she died.
when her body involuntarily convulsed. He followed shortly after, throbbing inside her. His movements stilled and he panted above her. Rey met his gaze, his dark eyes stared deeply into hers. He disentangled himself from her and lay down on the couch next to her, pulling her close.
ESME: Okay, I hate to be that person, but given that she doesn’t remember anything of their marriage and the last thing she DOES remember is him murdering his father and trying to kill her and Finn . . . yeah, this feels uncomfortable.
REY: You’re telling me.
”I may not remember doing this with you, but my body sure does.”
REY: And if the body enjoys it, that makes it okay.
Ben chuckled. “Good. I certainly haven’t forgotten.”
ESME: And guess what, that’s the end of the story. The author gave up after the sex, which I think is very telling.
KYLO: We shouldn’t have had sex so quickly anyway.
REY: Can we leave now?
ESME: Soon. I’d normally give final thoughts here, but honestly, it feels like the story ended before it really began. I could repeat again that it wasted a great premise with mediocre writing, but instead I’ll offer some suggestions on how it could be improved.
*Show, don’t tell. This especially applies to Rey bonding with her kids. Almost all of her scenes with the twins are simply summarized without letting the reader see how she interacts with them. This leaves the reader unable to feel for her heartbreak at not remembering her own children.
*Ground the reader in the AU. Since Leia’s sacrifice didn’t come until Exegol in this universe, explain what led to Ben leaving the dark side behind. Did he and Rey still battle on Kef Bir? Did Han still appear to Ben? Why is Hux alive? Did Hux still betray the First Order? How did he and Rose get together? Are Finn and Poe a couple? What about Lando, Jannah, Chewie, and the droids? What are they up to? A whole bunch of questions are just left unanswered.
*Don’t rush things. One of the main problems with this fic is that Rey accepts everything way too quickly, even to the point where she has sex with Ben just two days after she wakes up with no memory of her marriage. People likely clicked on the story because they wanted to see the process of her gradually learning about her life and growing to accept it, not because they wanted her to accept everything in two seconds.
*Remember that the awful things Kylo did are fresh in Rey’s mind. As you’ve probably guessed, glossing over everything Kylo did is one of my biggest pet peeves in Reylo fanfic. From Rey’s point of view, Kylo mind-raped her and murdered his father yesterday, so she would be processing a lot of trauma and grief in addition to the shock of learning that she’s married to the man she despises. Also, don’t forget about Han. Yeah, they named their kid after him, which is nice, but as happens so often in Reylo fics, he barely gets acknowledged otherwise even though Rey would be grieving his murder all over again.
REY: Okay, can we leave now?
ESME: Yes. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time. I’m in the process of writing my first movie spork and that should be interesting.
REY: Didn’t we just start this? How are we at the last chapter already?
ESME: It happens a lot in the world of fanfiction – authors abandon their stories after a few chapters.
KYLO: If only Dave Wolverton had done that.
Rey could tell it was very early.
ESME: I see we’re in tell-don’t show land. Would it kill you to describe the rising sun peeking into the bedroom or something like that?
She got out of bed and tiptoed down the hall. Rey cracked open the door
ESME: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Star Wars doors SLIDE open.
to the twin’s room.
ESME: They have only one twin now?
She found Ben in there as well. He was sleeping on some blankets laid out on the floor and the twins were sleeping on top of him.
KYLO: I thought Finn said I’d been sleeping “on the double.” Why am I sleeping on the floor now?
They had started out in their own beds. Rey was sure, since she had put them to bed last night. They must have crawled down to sleep with their dad in the night.
REY: Nice to see that I still don’t care about Ben’s dad. I bet Han would have liked to be alive to see his grandkids.
Rey looked at his face. Ben was soft in sleep. His features less troubled, less stern. He was so handsome. Rey had thought that the first time she saw him.
REY: Handsome people can still murder their fathers, other me.
Looking at him now, asleep on the floor,
KYLO: Don’t we have a COUCH I could sleep on?
made Rey realize how much her memory loss had affected him. He wasn’t just a worried husband, he was a widow living with a ghost that looked like his wife.
ESME: That’s an intriguing idea, but unfortunately it isn’t earned because Rey has been all accepting for almost the whole story.
Tears formed at the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t let him sleep on the floor anymore. This was their house, even if Rey didn’t remember that yet.
REY: So just like that, I’m comfortable sleeping with him?
Rey left the twin’s room and opened a door to a room she hadn’t been in before. It was an office.
KYLO: We have an office? Does that mean we actually have jobs?
A calligraphy set was on a desk in the corner of the room. Rey and Ben’s lightsabers were there as well.
KYLO: Except I threw my lightsaber in the ocean . . . or did I? What happened during that scene in this timeline?
REY: And did I still bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers on Tatooine? Some answers would be nice.
Rey returned to the kitchen. She wanted to make breakfast for her family, but she didn’t know how to cook.
REY: I know how to make dehydrated bread.
I wonder if I ever learned.
“You didn’t.”
REY: (stares) Other me, he’s casually reading your mind now. Doesn’t that bother you just a little bit?
Rey turned to see Ben standing in the hall, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Rey smiled. “I’m not surprised by that answer.”
REY: (groans) Are we sure other me didn’t forget about the mind-rape and the patricide as well?
”Would you be surprised to know that you tried and I disallowed it?
KYLO: Disallowed? So I didn’t offer to TEACH her to cook? I just forbade it like some sexist patriarch?
You made something so gross no one would touch it, and nearly set the kitchen on fire.”
“It probably had a lot of butter in it.”
“It did.”
REY: Butter was pretty hard to come by on Jakku.
”Butter has a lot of good fats!”
“You said that then too. No dish should be made mostly of butter. We’re not starving scavengers. You forget that sometimes.”
KYLO: That sounds like I’m scolding her for having to grow up a scavenger.
Ben moved through the kitchen efficiently and pulled things out of cupboards and the fridge. He made breakfast for them and the twins, who were up as soon as breakfast was on the table. He packed their lunches too. “They’re going to play school today.”
“Oh,” Rey said.
REY: Okay, this is getting ridiculous how the story keeps skipping through me interacting with the children.
”We take turns flying them in. Rose and Finn have offered to cover this whole week to help you recover. Usually we do Wednesdays and Fridays.”
ESME: The Star Wars universe doesn’t use our days of the week.
”I see.” Rey nodded. She sipped her tea as Ben continued to get the twins ready for play school with a level of military efficiency that made it obvious to her why he’d become so valuable to the First Order.
KYLO: They’re two, other me! Being militant with two-year-olds sounds borderline abusive.
Rey hardly had time to blink before the twins were dressed in uniforms and out the door. They looked perfect.
REY: Not that the story’s going to actually describe what they look like.
”Bye mom!”
“Bye!” Rey waved at Han and blew kisses at Paige.
REY: So the boy doesn’t get blown kisses? Nice to see that other me is sexist.
Leia waved from the speeder.
KYLO: The speeder that just apparently appeared out of nowhere.
Hux buckled the twins in. Apparently it was Rose and Hux’s turn today.
KYLO: Oh really? I totally didn’t figure that out when Hux buckled the twins in!
When they were gone and it was quiet once again, Rey twisted her hands together and watched Ben clean up the kitchen.
REY: I can’t help him clean?
”What is my role in all this? You’re so… organized.”
“Fun.”
“What?”
REY: I don’t get the concept of fun?
KYLO: Well the author thinks I don’t get the concept of fun.
Ben stopped what he was doing to look at her. “Your role is fun. You let the twins play in mud puddles and finger paint, while I fuss about how much of a mess it will make. You read them books doing all the voices, while I never know what to say. You make me stop working
KYLO: Working? So I DO have a job? Mind telling us what my job IS?
or training to swim in the lake with you. You make our lives fun. Brighter.” Ben said all this like it didn’t take him more than a second to think it all up. “The twins would hate me if it weren’t for you.”
KYLO: That’s seriously tragic if I genuinely believe my own kids would HATE me if it weren’t for Rey, but the story’s treating that like it’s a big nothing.
Rey frowned. She doubted that was true. “You’re not fun?”
“I don’t do fun.”
KYLO: My parents are rolling in their nonexistent graves at their son rejecting the entire notion of fun.
Rey laughed.
REY: What was so funny?
”You can sleep in our room again,” she blurted out.
Ben’s body went stiff and then he let out a shuddering breath. “Good. Thank you.”
REY: Yes, I’m sure that won’t get awkward at all.
”I- uh. Sure,” Rey fumbled. She watched him while he cleaned up from breakfast. The way his forearms tensed and relaxed. The way his brows furrowed when he scrubbed a stubborn stain.
REY: And as we all know, horniness automatically erases patricide.
KYLO: You’ve said that how many times?
REY: It continues to be relevant.
What would Rey from the past have said if to know she and Ren had-
KYLO: Fucked. You can say it.
She sort of knew, didn’t she? Her attraction had been instant, but her memories only went as far as her escape from Starkiller base.
KYLO: Really? I didn’t know that!
Did she think of him after? Did she think about what she’d want to do with him? To him?
REY: Did I think about how he killed his own father?
Rey walked over to Ben. He was drying his hands on a dish towel. He looked up at her, puzzled.
“What bothers you most right now?” she asked.
KYLO: That I keep getting roped into sporking.
Ben’s jaw worked as he thought. “That you don’t remember.”
Rey rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”
“Obviously.” His intense stare reminded her of Kylo Ren in that moment.
REY: Other me’s almost starting to sound like she wants him to turn back to the dark side because he’s hotter that way.
”You don’t remember how much you worried over the twins when you were pregnant. Or that you stayed up all night planning our house. You wanted so many windows. You got them all. You don’t remember how I held you while you cried over something Han said to you. Our son, not my father.
REY: What did the two-year-old say that had me in tears?
Though you’ve cried about him too.” Ben looked away. “So have I.”
ESME: All right, spitefic time. And no, I have no idea if Han still appeared to Ben in this timeline or not, but since the story didn’t bother explaining, I’m gonna include my favorite scene in the sequel trilogy.
”I’m being torn apart. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
Rey’s chest tightened at the memory, fresh and vivid. The flames shooting through Han’s torso, his hand harnessing his last bit of strength to touch his son’s cheek, his body falling into the endless chasm.
“I’m sorry,” Ben quickly said. “I didn’t mean to . . . I didn’t think about how it’s fresh in your mind again.”
“It’s okay,” said Rey, wiping her hand over her eyes. “It’s just . . .” She trailed off, not knowing what she was about to say.
Ben gazed into her eyes, blinking rapidly as if trying to keep tears in. “He appeared to me once.”
Rey’s heart jumped. “What?”
He awkwardly ran a hand through his hair. “I still don’t know if it was real . . . but I’m not usually prone to hallucinations.” A long sigh. “It was . . . well, it’s a long story, but the short version is that we had a lightsaber duel where you ran my own lightsaber through me. But then . . . then you healed me.”
“Wait, what?”
Despite the circumstances, he flashed a small grin at her, making him look – Rey was loathe to admit it – cute. “It’s a skill you have. We both have it – we can heal people through the Force by transferring our energy. I wouldn’t recommend trying it until you remember more of your training, though.”
Rey gulped, glancing at her hand, feeling for a moment like she could see it pressing against his skin, next to an open wound, but she wasn’t sure if she was remembering or just visualizing. “What happened next?”
“You stole my TIE Fighter and flew away,” said Ben. “I was all alone, unsure, terrified, but then he appeared.” He gave a hard swallow, his eyes glistening. “The love that flowed from him despite everything I’ve done . . .”
Rey’s heart sped up, a lump forming in her throat. There were a thousand questions rushing through her mind, but she feared that if she opened her mouth to ask any of them she would start crying.
Ben’s hand slowly reached up, his fingers brushing his cheek. “I still feel his touch sometimes.”
Now Rey couldn’t stop the tears from creeping down her cheeks. Her mind’s eye saw Han, knowing he was about to die, giving his last bit of energy to show his son that he forgave him.
Ben reached out as if to comfort her, but stopped himself before he could actually touch her. “You cried the first time I told you about it too,” he said in a low voice. “We both did. I held you and we cried together, taking comfort from each other.”
Rey sniffled, staring at his arm frozen mid-reach. “I wish I could let you hold me,” she whispered. “I wish I felt safe in your arms, but I don’t.”
His arm slowly dropped down, his gaze lowering. “I wish Dad were here right now.”
Dad. The word made the tears flow faster. “I do too.”
Again, not great, but I tried to inject actual emotion.
Tears pricked at her eyes. “But what about you, Ben?”
KYLO: I’m stuck in the Sporking Chamber, that’s what about me.
”Me? I’m alright. I can wait. I can handle it.”
“You don’t have to handle it. You can tell me.”
ESME: Again, this would be a nice moment if it were earned.
”I-“ He still wasn’t looking at her. “I miss sleeping with you. The way you hog the bed. I don’t like that you look at me like I’m still him. You don’t remember our first kiss, the first time we-“ There was a tear rolling down his cheek now too.
REY: How can I see the tear if he’s not looking at me?
Then he turned to look at her with heat in his gaze. “I want you to remember how much I like gripping your hips, that I know what happens when I kiss this spot.” He touched a spot just behind her ear. “That you like to run your fingers through my hair. That I like it when you pull.”
KYLO: (groans) Notice how I don’t mention things like how she doesn’t remember our wedding or the birth of our children. Nope, the most important thing is the SEX.
Rey’s heart hammered in her chest.
REY: Thanks for reminding us that the heart is in the chest.
Her mouth dropped open and a small gasp escaped her lips.
ESME: And three guesses what’s coming next.
She placed her hands on his forearms. Touching him like she knew him. Rey knew this was familiar and she knew her past self from three years ago would have wondered how it felt to touch him.
REY: Did the author pay ANY attention during the Starkiller Base battle? Guess what, I damn well WASN’T thinking about sex after he murdered Han!
She slid her hands up his arms and Ben reached out to pull her close. He hugged her tightly to his body, as if he was afraid of losing her. He probably was.
KYLO: When she doesn’t remember anything of the last three years, I already HAVE lost her in a sense, but I guess that doesn’t matter when there’s sex to be had.
His hand moved up her side. She felt small in his arms.
Rey ran her hand along his bicep, enjoying the hard muscles that stiffened under her finger tips.
REY: Nice to see how quick I am to fuck Han’s killer when to my memory he was murdered two days ago.
She looked into his eyes and saw the affection in them. His eyes moved to her lips. She gasped when his lips met hers. His kiss held all the affection she had seen in his eyes.
REY: (groans) You know what, say what you will about our canon kiss, but at least he had to EARN it.
Ben pulled her onto the couch.
KYLO: HEY, she didn’t give consent to be manhandled, other me!
He slid his hand inside her shirt and pushed it up and over her shoulders.
KYLO: AND she didn’t give consent to be undressed!
The feel of his skin on hers made Rey suck in a breath.
REY: Convenient that I’m not getting any flashbacks of being mind-raped.
Ben removed his shirt and Rey couldn’t take her eyes off his chest. He chuckled at her expression. “You’ve seen it before.”
REY: Oh yes, we all remember THAT scene.
She reached her hand out tentatively, wanting to touch him again.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, placing her palm against his chest. Rey glanced at him quickly for reassurance and then ran her hand along his skin.
REY: You’d think I’d feel at least a little bit funny doing this, but that would mean an issue.
”I’m your husband,” Ben said. “Yours to touch.” She buried her nose in his neck, inhaling deeply to take in the smell of him. He smelled like the forest in the morning.
KYLO: Since she grew up in the desert and doesn’t remember anything since Starkiller Base, how is she able to tell the difference between a forest smell in the morning and a forest smell at any other time?
She kissed his neck and moved up to his jaw. He growled with contentment as she kissed along his jawline and found his lips once again.
REY: I guess amnesia is no big deal now.
Ben rid them of both their clothing.
KYLO: Again, she didn’t give consent and she doesn’t remember anything of our marriage!
He pushed Rey back on the couch, moving over her in a possessive way that made her breath hitch.
She felt like prey.
REY: (stares) And I’m OKAY with feeling like prey with the person who mind-raped me??
She felt a pressure at her entrance
ESME: Ah yes, “entrance,” the most cliché euphemism for the vagina ever.
and sucked in a breath. Ben kissed her cheek and pushed inside her. Rey gasped and arched her back. He kissed her once more before he started moving. His pace was controlled and measured.
REY: (sighs) As usual in Reylo fics, the patricide doesn’t matter if he delivers in bed.
Rey’s heart fluttered when she heard rumbles of pleasure coming from him.
KYLO: And I don’t feel just a little bit funny fucking her when she doesn’t remember anything?
Her head tilted back and her eyes closed as he quickened his pace. She ran her hands along his chest until they found his shoulders where she gripped tightly. Pressure started to build in her stomach. He moved faster. Rey couldn’t breathe
ESME: And she died.
when her body involuntarily convulsed. He followed shortly after, throbbing inside her. His movements stilled and he panted above her. Rey met his gaze, his dark eyes stared deeply into hers. He disentangled himself from her and lay down on the couch next to her, pulling her close.
ESME: Okay, I hate to be that person, but given that she doesn’t remember anything of their marriage and the last thing she DOES remember is him murdering his father and trying to kill her and Finn . . . yeah, this feels uncomfortable.
REY: You’re telling me.
”I may not remember doing this with you, but my body sure does.”
REY: And if the body enjoys it, that makes it okay.
Ben chuckled. “Good. I certainly haven’t forgotten.”
ESME: And guess what, that’s the end of the story. The author gave up after the sex, which I think is very telling.
KYLO: We shouldn’t have had sex so quickly anyway.
REY: Can we leave now?
ESME: Soon. I’d normally give final thoughts here, but honestly, it feels like the story ended before it really began. I could repeat again that it wasted a great premise with mediocre writing, but instead I’ll offer some suggestions on how it could be improved.
*Show, don’t tell. This especially applies to Rey bonding with her kids. Almost all of her scenes with the twins are simply summarized without letting the reader see how she interacts with them. This leaves the reader unable to feel for her heartbreak at not remembering her own children.
*Ground the reader in the AU. Since Leia’s sacrifice didn’t come until Exegol in this universe, explain what led to Ben leaving the dark side behind. Did he and Rey still battle on Kef Bir? Did Han still appear to Ben? Why is Hux alive? Did Hux still betray the First Order? How did he and Rose get together? Are Finn and Poe a couple? What about Lando, Jannah, Chewie, and the droids? What are they up to? A whole bunch of questions are just left unanswered.
*Don’t rush things. One of the main problems with this fic is that Rey accepts everything way too quickly, even to the point where she has sex with Ben just two days after she wakes up with no memory of her marriage. People likely clicked on the story because they wanted to see the process of her gradually learning about her life and growing to accept it, not because they wanted her to accept everything in two seconds.
*Remember that the awful things Kylo did are fresh in Rey’s mind. As you’ve probably guessed, glossing over everything Kylo did is one of my biggest pet peeves in Reylo fanfic. From Rey’s point of view, Kylo mind-raped her and murdered his father yesterday, so she would be processing a lot of trauma and grief in addition to the shock of learning that she’s married to the man she despises. Also, don’t forget about Han. Yeah, they named their kid after him, which is nice, but as happens so often in Reylo fics, he barely gets acknowledged otherwise even though Rey would be grieving his murder all over again.
REY: Okay, can we leave now?
ESME: Yes. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time. I’m in the process of writing my first movie spork and that should be interesting.
