Midnight Sun - Chapter 8
Mar. 24th, 2023 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
esmeandfictionLast time, nothing much happened except OMG WARDO STARTED PLAYING THE PIANO AGAIN BECAUSE BAWLA INSPIRED HIM TO COMPOSE A SONG! Even though Meyer’s too lazy to come up with a reason why he stopped playing in the first place, so we don’t have much reason to care.
Here we go again for another round of Wardo. I’m sure he’ll keep being a dick and a creeper and a sick fuck and we’ll be expected to swoon over him.
Wardo opens the chapter by telling us that he didn’t see much of the people-eating guests during the sunny days where he can’t go to school and that he ”only went home so Esme wouldn’t worry.” I’m not sure why she’d worry about an IMMORTAL VAMPIRE going out for a couple of days, but whatever, we’ve gotta be reminded of how fragile and clingy and useless Esme is and how so-not-sexist Meyer is.
So where IS Wardo hanging out? (groans) I’ll let him tell you himself.
I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I could follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her in the minds of lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reacted to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.
That’s it: Meyer is TRYING to make Wardo the creepiest stalker in the world because she thinks being stalked is sexy. There’s no other explanation. Even someone as stupid and oblivious as Meyer HAS to realize what a creeper Wardo is.
But oh WOE IS WARDO, he’s so miserable because the sun being out means he can’t talk to Bawla! Why is the universe so CRUEL as to make the sun shine and force him to wait A WHOLE FEW DAYS before he can talk to his love? FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, DAMMIT!
On Monday, he listens in on ”a conversation that had the potential to destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her truly torturous.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – YOU NEED A FUCKING HOBBY!
As it ended up, though, it rather made my day.
Let me guess: it involves Mike being humiliated.
Yup, looks like it. Bawla arrives at school early and sits at a picnic table, where Mike notices her doodling (probably drawing Wardo’s dick). Wardo gets angry when she greets Mike and Mike DARES to think that Bawla might like him!
See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle…
Are thoughts like THESE seriously so asinine that they make Wardo joyfully want to murder Mike? Normal teenage-boy-with-a-crush-only-more-squeaky-clean-because-Meyer-can’t-handle-erotic-stuff thoughts?
Wardo, FUCK. YOU.
(takes deep breath) Mike notices that Bawla’s hair has a tinge of red in the sunlight and points that out to Bawla and since Wardo can’t handle anyone talking to his property, he accidentally uproots a small tree he’s hiding by. Yes, really.
Bawla flinches away when Mike gently pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear and I’m sure we’re supposed to boo and hiss him not respecting her privacy even though he doesn’t do stuff like, oh I dunno, BREAK INTO HER HOUSE TO WATCH HER SLEEP.
Bawla brings up that they have an essay due on Tuesday and ”From the faintly smug expression on her face, hers was already done.” Have we mentioned how smart and responsible and perfect Bawla is? Of course, Mike’s forgotten all about the essay and HA HA LET’S ALL LAUGH AT WHAT A LOSER HE IS!
Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question out right.
Yes, Wardo’s teeth could “pulverize granite” – and since this is Meyer, that’s not a hyperbole. Meyer, we KNOW you think your vampires are the most superior beings on the planet – you really don’t need to keep reminding us.
Mike says he was thinking about possibly asking Bawla out, to which Bawla responds ”Oh.”
”Oh”? What does that mean? Is she going to say yes? Wait—I guess I didn’t really ask.
Wow, such VILE thoughts. I can see why Wardo wants to kill him.
Mike hems and haws, suggesting that maybe they could go to dinner together, and ”The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last week. I wanted so badly to race across the campus, too fast for human eyes—to steal her away from the boy I hated so much in this moment I could have killed him for no reason but to enjoy it.”
Taking lessons from WolverHan, Wardo? Seriously, all you need now is a mind-control gun and you’ll be just like WolverHan. And you and Meyer have the gall to claim that Rosalie is the petty one?
Also, no one says “whit” anymore. Hell, did people still say “whit” when you were human? Being a vampire doesn’t mean you can’t learn modern speech, especially when not using it just makes you sound like your writer’s trying to show off.
Also also, since Wardo mentioned being able to run “too fast for human eyes,” this gives me a chance to talk about one of the more minor things in the Twilight books that really bugs me. The Cullens have a lot of fancy, expensive cars and make use of those cars on a daily basis. And yeah, I get the idea of vampires driving places to keep up human appearances, but they REALLY like their cars and enjoy driving themand frequently breaking traffic laws.
Yes, I know it’s because Meyer herself is into cars even though she won’t admit it because she doesn’t think women should be into cars, but if they can really run “too fast for human eyes” without getting tired, why would they give a shit about cars? They can just RUN wherever they want – it seems like being in a car would feel extremely cramped and restraining compared to running at vampire speed.
Anyway, Bawla says she doesn’t think going to dinner with Mike is a good ideabecause Mike is Meyer’s punching bag.
Seattle was just an excuse, after all.
Oh, it took you this long to figure out that obvious fact?
Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it’s that freak, Cullen.
Yup, it IS that freak Cullen, and I know I’m supposed to hate Mike for calling Wardo a freak, but guess what, Wardo is much WORSE than a mere freak.
Bawla says going out with Mike might ”hurt Jessica’s feelings,” after telling him “if you repeat what I’m saying right now, I will cheerfully beat you to death” and after how much she complains about Mike in the Twilight books, I believe she would.
Of course, this causes Wardo to laugh in his usual assholish manner. Bawla says ”Really, Mike, are you blind?” and Wardo of course uses this as a chance to sing her praises while shitting on Mike – two of his favorite pastimes.
I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be as perceptive as she was, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had had working himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn’t just as difficult for Jessica? It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saw everything.
There are no words for how much I want to break something right now. Wardo, Bawla isn’t “preceptive” just because she noticed that you stopped the van from crushing her and that your eyes change color. Anyone with half a brain would notice either of those things – she only seems “preceptive” because Meyer had to make everyone else dumb as bricks to make Bawla look good in comparison. Hell, Bawla needs Jacob to spoon-feed to her that Wardo’s a vampire, she completely forgets the part of his story that involves werewolves and can’t figure out that the werewolves are real for the longest time, and she can’t even tell the difference between a VHS recording of her mother’s voice and her mother actually calling out for help.
And do I have to laugh again about Bawla being called unselfish? Miss I-Must-Become-A-Vampire-And-I-Don’t-Care-How-Much-It-Hurts-My-Parents-Or-If-It-Starts-A-War-Because-WAAAH-I’ll-GROW-OLD-OTHERWISE is selfless? Miss Change-Me-Into-A-Vampire-On-A-Plane-Even-Though-I’ll-Be-Incapacitated-For-Days-Afterwards-And-Unable-To-Save-Wardo is selfless? Miss Look-What-An-Awesome-Vampire-I-Am is selfless?
And oh yeah, Bawla’s not trying to matchmake for Mike and Jessica out of the goodness of her heart. She’s doing it because she wants to get Mike off her back. Again, if this weren’t Meyer, I’d actually think that Wardo is supposed to be an unreliable narrator who can’t figure out shit about people without his mind-reading.
Mike’s all confused at the idea that Jessica might like him and our selfless Bawla uses this as an opportunity to get away from him.
Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned the idea of Jessica around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of her finding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.
I love how Meyer must emphasize that Jessica is SECOND PLACE to her Sue because she desperately needs all the guys to want Bawla first and foremost even if she doesn’t want them.
She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body—bigger boobs than Bella. A bird in the hand…
He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about Bella,
Yes, he dared to think about BOOBS! GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! (fans herself) I think I might need smelling salts from all this VULGAR talk about BOOBS!
And once again, I love how we’re supposed to think a teenage boy fantasizing about boobs (you know, like a lot of teenage boys do) is so much more VULGAR than Wardo’s fantasies about murder.
but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved either girl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.
Well I’ll agree with Wardo about one thing – Mike DOESN’T deserve Bawla. He’s done nothing to deserve to be tied to such a shallow, whiny, annoying, selfish bint. Mike, you dodged a bullet there – now you and Jessica can go out and have fun together.
And Meyer I have to reiterate again: who is Mike based on? The way both Wardo and Bawla heap so much (completely undeserved) vitriol on him indicates that you’ve got a way-too-personal grudge against whoever you based him on and this is your way of getting petty revenge.
Wardo spends the rest of the day hiding by the school and spying on Bawla through people’s minds. Nothing creepy about that, nope. He points out that he’s ”always glad when Angela Weber was available to look through” and wishes he had a way to thank herfor being a convenient means of spying on Bawla for being ”one friend worth having” to Bawla. Yeah, Angela who does almost nothing and says almost nothing is deemed “one friend worth having” precisely BECAUSE she does nothing and says nothing.
At lunch, he notices through his mind-spying that she frequently looks at the Cullens’ usual table and he thinks that might mean she misses him. Yeah Wardo, not only does she miss you, but she’s already decided that her entire life revolves around you. You’re both pathetic.
He hears that she has plans to go out with her friends and ”I immediately planned my own surveillance” and DEAR GOD MEYER IF YOU HONESTLY DON’T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE!! But there’s a change of plans – Mike asked Jessica out and she said yes, so the girls’ night out will be postponed.
And all I have to say about that is GO MIKE AND JESSICA!
But of course, Wardo still follows Bawla home and scans the woods to make sure Jasper’s ”one-time brother” (see what I mean about how every relationship must become either romantic or familial?) isn’t anywhere around. He says he knows Peter and Charlotte (why do I have a feeling we’re not going to actually see them?) don’t want to cause trouble with the Cullens, but he’s not taking any chances, even though he tells us that he knows he’s ”overdoing it.”
Yeah Meyer, Wardo being aware that he’s “overdoing it” doesn’t make him any less of a creeper. In fact, it makes him MORE of one because he clearly DOES know better but he’s still choosing to be a stalker.
As if she was aware I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when I couldn’t see her, Bella came into the backyard after a long hour indoors.
GAAAAAAHHH!! Wardo, you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to play the victim here. Guess what, it’s NOT FUCKING ROMANTIC to have no life and no pastimes and no means to make you happy when you aren’t tied to your significant other 24/7. It’s even less romantic when you don’t even KNOW the person.
Bawla’s carrying a book and a picnic blanket and Wardo spies on her from the trees as she spreads the blanket out.
Ah—more classics. Sense and Sensibility. She was an Austen fan.
Meyer: “Have I mentioned how SMART Bella is? Look! Look! She’s reading Jane Austen and that means she’s SMART! BE AMAZED AT HOW SMART SHE IS, DAMMIT!”
Yeah, nevermind that in this scene – as we know from Twilight – she’s mentally whining about how one of the lead characters in Sense and Sensibility is named Edward and how she just CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT WARDO! Such a deep analysis of classic lit there.
Ward remembers again that he’s supposed to be mad with thirst for her blood, so there’s a paragraph of him rambling about how the sun makes her smell even better and it makes his throat – you guessed it – burn. He tells us that he didn’t ”read along with her” but that’s only because he ”knew the book.” Even though we rarely see Wardo read anything, he’s totes a classic lit fan, believe Meyer!
Meyer, if you want to brag about how you and your characters read Austen because you’re SO SO SMART, then maybe don’t go around talking about Willoughby being Marianne’s true love and demonstrating how you missed the entire point of the story.
And speak of the devil, Wardo notices Bawla suddenly getting pissed off at the book and he just can’t figure out why. After all, what could possibly be offensive in ”Austen’s overly polite prose”?
Yeah, now I’m even more convinced that Meyer doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Austen’s books can actually be pretty judgmental. For one thing, they often protest how women were treated during the era – to use an example from Sense and Sensibility, the book’s inciting incident is how Mr. Dashwood’s death leaves his second wife and three daughters by that wife nearly penniless because his estate and money go entirely to his son by his first wife. The book is pretty obviously protesting that injustice – it’s far from being “overly polite.”
But as we all know, Bawla gets offended because HOW DARE Austen name one of the lead characters Edward! Didn’t she know it would remind Bawla of the guy she’s obsessed with?
Course, if Bawla actually bothered trying to understand Sense and Sensibility, she’d also see that Marianne’s love for Wiloughby is based on infatuation instead of seeing him for who he really is and after he dumps her and she nearly dies of a serious illness, she realizes how foolish she was to romanticize Wiloughby into the perfect man. In other words, she regrets acting like Bawla – but the difference is that Marianne grows out of it and Bawla doesn’t.
Moving on. Wardo sees Bawla turn to Mansfield Park and only then does he let us know that ”the book was a compilation of novels.” Yeah, even though he told us the cover said Sense and Sensibility earlier. I have a feeling Meyer forgot that Bawla was reading a compilation and quickly stamped on a Band-Aid. Anyway, Wardo follows along with the story until the characters start talking about Edmund Bertram and Bawla gets pissed and slams the book shut again. As we know from Twilight, Bawla is pissed because the name “Edmund” sounds too much like “Edward” and then she starts wondering if there were any names back then that didn’t sound like Wardo’s name.
Yes, in fact, there are. Lots of them, but I wouldn’t expect such a wide reader as Bawla to know that.
So Bawla gives up on reading (just a thought Bawla, but maybe such a well-read person as yourself could try a different book?) and lies down on the blanket. Wardo just can’t fathom why Bawla was so pissed at the book, but then he gets distracted when she falls asleep. He stares creepily at her as she starts ”mumbling in her sleep.” And then he starts a whole paragraph of SIN THINE ASS OFF. Just watch.
I felt an uncomfortable spasm of guilt.
But you’re not gonna STOP being a creeper.
Because what I was doing now was not precisely good, but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as my nightly pursuits.
But again, you won’t STOP being a creeper because Meyer thinks creepers are sexy.
I wasn’t technically even trespassing now—the base of this tree grew from the next lot over--
So you’re still trespassing on the property of whoever owns that lot, idiot.
let alone doing something more felonious. But I knew that when night came, I would continue to do wrong.
OUR HERO, everyone! Of course, it doesn’t occur to him to STOP spying on Bawla – after all, she’s doomed to randomly die if Wardo doesn’t have his eyes on her 24/7!
And he’s OH SO TEMPTED to jump out of the tree andmanhandle her move her body back into the sunlight, but he won’t do that because that would be actually trespassing! Oh, also, he’d start sparkling if he went into the sun, and sparkling is so ”grotesque” and if Bawla woke up and saw him sparkle she’d be terrified!
Yes, I’m supposed to take this book seriously when Wardo is afraid that sparkling is what makes him terrifying.
Bawla says ”Edmund” in her sleep, which freaks Wardo out because OH NOES what if she wasn’t dreaming about him that night she said his name after all? He goes back into Wangst Mode, saying ”Perhaps that had always been the case, and all along her dreams had been filled with Hugh Grant in a cravat” because Meyer wants us to know that she saw the Sense and Sensibility movie too.
Anyway, FEEL SORRY FOR WARDO! WEEP FOR HIM AS HE KEEPS CREEPILY STARING AT BAWLA! NO ONE HAS EVER SUFFERED AS MUCH AS HIM!
The sun starts going down and OH NOES the shadows start creeping over Bawla and ”When the light was gone, her skin looked too pale—ghostly.” She looks almost like a VAMPIRE! So Wardo freaks out even more, letting us know that only her heartbeat reassures him that no, she’s not a vampire.
Can this book possibly get MORE melodramatic?
Anyway, Charlie gets home and Wardo tries reading his mind, only getting vague impressions that something at work might be bothering him and he might be hungry.
I wondered what her mother sounded like—what the genetic combination had been that had formed her so uniquely.
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s getting REALLY irritating to read about how unique and special and amazing and perfect Bawla is every other line.
Charlie’s car wakes Bawla up and IS SOMETHING EVER GONNA HAPPEN? (grinds teeth) She looks around as if she suspects that someone’s spying on her, then she goes inside and Wardo, of course, continues spying on her through the kitchen window. Is Wardo spying on Bawla gonna be the WHOLE CHAPTER??
I heard her discuss her plans to go shopping the following evening with Jessica and Angela, and I refined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stay clear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention of hunting anywhere in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case.
Or you could, you know, ask your people-eating friends to not go to Port Angeles because you have a friend who’s gonna be shopping there tomorrow, but then you wouldn’t have an excuse to keep spying on her.
I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, and smiled at this proof to my theory—yes, she was the caretaker here, too.
Look Bawla, Wardo, Meyer, all of you. Charlie lived alone for SIXTEEN YEARS after his divorce and managed to not die despite not having his teenage daughter around to babysit him. Bawla only declared that she would be in charge of cooking and cleaning because she (and Meyer) compulsively needs to feel like she’s the responsible oneand she’s a wimminz which means she should do the housework.
Wardo finally leaves, but not without telling us that he’s gonna be back tonight ”ignoring every ethical and moral argument against my behavior.” Wardo, if the chief of police knew you were spying on his daughter, he’d get a restraining order on you pronto. Course, you’d probably ignore a restraining order anyway.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
(eyes bulge) Wait, what did I just read? I couldn’t have read that right – let me try again.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
No, no, that has to be wrong. Even Meyer can’t be THAT dense.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
. . .
. . . She really did write that, didn’t she?
. . .
(eyes twitch)
(grinds teeth)
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
DOES MEYER THINK WE’RE ALL IDIOTS?? DOES SHE SERIOUSLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT WARDO ISN’T A PEEPING TOM WHEN HE’S BEEN SPYING ON HER ALL FUCKING DAY AND HE’S BEEN TRYING TO PRY INTO HER MIND SINCE THE MOMENT HE FIRST SAW HER??? HOW FUCKING STUPID DOES SHE THINK HER READERS ARE?? DOES SHE SERIOUSLY EXPECT NO ONE TO REALIZE THAT WARDO’S BEEN BEHAVING WORSE THAN A PEEPING TOM FOR THIS ENTIRE BOOK?? FUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!
(deep breath) I can practically see Meyer giving her critics the finger because she thinks that if she TELLS us Wardo’s totally not a peeping tom, then we’ll all believe it despite the buttload of evidence to the contrary.
I was here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops. I would not treat her so crassly.
Wardo, you seriously have the GALL to say you wouldn’t “treat her crassly” when you’ve been trying to pry into her fucking MIND since Day 1 just because you couldn’t stand the idea that there was a SINGLE SOLITARY MIND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD you couldn’t read?? How the fuck is that NOT “treating her crassly”???
And of course, he shits on Mike for the five thousandth time. No Wardo, I don’t think Mike would break into her house to “leer at her” because contrary to how you think Mike is the scum of the earth and Meyer thinks whoever she based Mike on is the scum of the earth, he seems like a perfectly decent guy who has normal teenage boy fantasies that don’t involve murder.
Is the chapter over? No? Seriously (groans) Okay, fine. Wardo comes home to find the house empty and a note from Emmett that says they’ve all gone to play football and invites Wardo to join them. Of course, since Wardo hates fun and since Bawla’s doomed to die in her sleep if he doesn’t stare at her all night, he writes ”sorry” on the note.
He goes hunting, ”contenting myself with the smaller, gentler creatures that did not taste as good as the other predators” and I’m beginning to think that we’ll have Wardo to blame if mountain lions go extinct.
Then, of course, he rushes back to Bawla’s house because staring at a sleeping person for eight hours is SO entertaining. You know, if I were a rich immortal who didn’t need sleep, I can think of loads of better ways I’d spend my time.
Wardo tells us that Bawla’s not sleeping well and he wonders what kind of nightmare she’s having and GOD I hate this guy.
When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum voice.
Yeah, she does that all the time when she’s awake too. But her mind is SO SO DEEP, believe Meyer!
Only once, when she sighed the words “Come back” and her hand twitched open—a wordless plea—did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.
You really have no life at all, do you?
The next day, the sun is out again, so Wardo can’t go to school (but it totally won’t ruin his perfect record because he’s Wardo!) but that doesn’t stop him from spying on Bawla from the trees and listening in on people’s minds to track her every move. He notes that she seems to be in a bad mood and wonders if she might cancel her plans to go out, ”But being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above her own.”
First off, if Bawla were really so wonderfully unselfish that she’d put her friends’ enjoyment over her own, she wouldn’t go on the trip because her whining and wangsting would sour any outing. Second, YES, WE GET IT! Meyer thinks her self-insert is the most wonderful, most selfless, most giving person in the world, WE FUCKING GET IT!!!
Also, Wardo mentions that she’s wearing a blue blouse that makes her skin ”look like fresh cream.” In another book, I wouldn’t bat an eye at that, but given Meyer’s history of unfortunate implications about skin color, we can add this to the pile.
After school, the girls pile into Jessica’s car for the trip and Wardo heads home, saying ”I could afford to give the girls an hour or so as a head start. It would have been a struggle to follow them, driving at the speed limit—hideous thought” Well I guess you’re not all that dedicated to protecting Bawla since Jessica could crash her car on the way and everyone could die. But hey, I understand, having to drive the SPEED LIMIT is just too big a sacrifice for the girl you supposedly love so much.
I guess driving after Bawla just doesn’t give you the same sick pleasure as breaking into her house to stare at her while she sleeps, does it?
Wardo goes home and says hello to Peter and Charlotte and it’s boring. They have some small talk and then Wardo goes to play the piano and it’s boring. Seriously, I have zero reason to give a shit about Peter and Charlotte, especially since Meyer doesn’t seem to give a shit about them either.
Both the people-eating guests think Wardo is acting strangely and Peter think-talks that living on animal blood might have caused him to go crazy. Of course, Wardo doesn’t go berserk from this because he only cares about Bawla. Any other humans are fair game for vampire food.
Rosalie think-asks why he bothered coming home and I’m wondering the same thing. Esme think-says, ”Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so.” I’m starting to think the reason why her thoughts are so stilted is because she IS a Stepford Wife.
Alice think-wishes him a fun trip to Port Angeles, adding ”Let me know when I’m allowed to talk to Bella.” For the umpteenth time, YOU DON’T NEED WARDO’S PERMISSION TO TALK TO HER!! YOU CAN TALK TO HER NOW! JUST DO IT!!
You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
Yup, I’m with Emmett here. Wardo IS pathetic. And a stalker. And an asshole. And a dickhead. And a peeping tom.
Wardo keeps playing, telling us that ”It was never not distressing to have the girl out of sight” and I can only repeat so many times that he’s dangerously obsessed with her and needs a real hobby.
Jasper tells the guests that if they run into Maria, ”tell her I wish her well” and if you forgot who Maria is, the book reminds us that she’s the one who changed Jasper into a vampire, the one with the racist description of having “Mexican features” despite her pale white skin.
The pointless guests say goodbye and Wardo prepares to leave for Port Angeles to spy on Bawla (but he’s TOTALLY NOT A PEEPING TOM, he’s doing it because he WUVS HER SO MUCH and that makes it okay to be a creeper!).
Rosalie thinks ”Idiot” at him and once again I share her sentiment. Esme thinks Poor boy,” once again sounding like a Stepford Wife. The chapter ends with Wardo getting into his car and driving off, letting us know that ”It was a relief to be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew away under my tires.”
So ends another chapter where nothing happens. Yeah, something will finally happen next time, but it will be infuriating.
Here we go again for another round of Wardo. I’m sure he’ll keep being a dick and a creeper and a sick fuck and we’ll be expected to swoon over him.
Wardo opens the chapter by telling us that he didn’t see much of the people-eating guests during the sunny days where he can’t go to school and that he ”only went home so Esme wouldn’t worry.” I’m not sure why she’d worry about an IMMORTAL VAMPIRE going out for a couple of days, but whatever, we’ve gotta be reminded of how fragile and clingy and useless Esme is and how so-not-sexist Meyer is.
So where IS Wardo hanging out? (groans) I’ll let him tell you himself.
I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I could follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her in the minds of lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reacted to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.
That’s it: Meyer is TRYING to make Wardo the creepiest stalker in the world because she thinks being stalked is sexy. There’s no other explanation. Even someone as stupid and oblivious as Meyer HAS to realize what a creeper Wardo is.
But oh WOE IS WARDO, he’s so miserable because the sun being out means he can’t talk to Bawla! Why is the universe so CRUEL as to make the sun shine and force him to wait A WHOLE FEW DAYS before he can talk to his love? FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, DAMMIT!
On Monday, he listens in on ”a conversation that had the potential to destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her truly torturous.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – YOU NEED A FUCKING HOBBY!
As it ended up, though, it rather made my day.
Let me guess: it involves Mike being humiliated.
Yup, looks like it. Bawla arrives at school early and sits at a picnic table, where Mike notices her doodling (probably drawing Wardo’s dick). Wardo gets angry when she greets Mike and Mike DARES to think that Bawla might like him!
See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle…
Are thoughts like THESE seriously so asinine that they make Wardo joyfully want to murder Mike? Normal teenage-boy-with-a-crush-only-more-squeaky-clean-because-Meyer-can’t-handle-erotic-stuff thoughts?
Wardo, FUCK. YOU.
(takes deep breath) Mike notices that Bawla’s hair has a tinge of red in the sunlight and points that out to Bawla and since Wardo can’t handle anyone talking to his property, he accidentally uproots a small tree he’s hiding by. Yes, really.
Bawla flinches away when Mike gently pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear and I’m sure we’re supposed to boo and hiss him not respecting her privacy even though he doesn’t do stuff like, oh I dunno, BREAK INTO HER HOUSE TO WATCH HER SLEEP.
Bawla brings up that they have an essay due on Tuesday and ”From the faintly smug expression on her face, hers was already done.” Have we mentioned how smart and responsible and perfect Bawla is? Of course, Mike’s forgotten all about the essay and HA HA LET’S ALL LAUGH AT WHAT A LOSER HE IS!
Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question out right.
Yes, Wardo’s teeth could “pulverize granite” – and since this is Meyer, that’s not a hyperbole. Meyer, we KNOW you think your vampires are the most superior beings on the planet – you really don’t need to keep reminding us.
Mike says he was thinking about possibly asking Bawla out, to which Bawla responds ”Oh.”
”Oh”? What does that mean? Is she going to say yes? Wait—I guess I didn’t really ask.
Wow, such VILE thoughts. I can see why Wardo wants to kill him.
Mike hems and haws, suggesting that maybe they could go to dinner together, and ”The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last week. I wanted so badly to race across the campus, too fast for human eyes—to steal her away from the boy I hated so much in this moment I could have killed him for no reason but to enjoy it.”
Taking lessons from WolverHan, Wardo? Seriously, all you need now is a mind-control gun and you’ll be just like WolverHan. And you and Meyer have the gall to claim that Rosalie is the petty one?
Also, no one says “whit” anymore. Hell, did people still say “whit” when you were human? Being a vampire doesn’t mean you can’t learn modern speech, especially when not using it just makes you sound like your writer’s trying to show off.
Also also, since Wardo mentioned being able to run “too fast for human eyes,” this gives me a chance to talk about one of the more minor things in the Twilight books that really bugs me. The Cullens have a lot of fancy, expensive cars and make use of those cars on a daily basis. And yeah, I get the idea of vampires driving places to keep up human appearances, but they REALLY like their cars and enjoy driving them
Yes, I know it’s because Meyer herself is into cars even though she won’t admit it because she doesn’t think women should be into cars, but if they can really run “too fast for human eyes” without getting tired, why would they give a shit about cars? They can just RUN wherever they want – it seems like being in a car would feel extremely cramped and restraining compared to running at vampire speed.
Anyway, Bawla says she doesn’t think going to dinner with Mike is a good idea
Seattle was just an excuse, after all.
Oh, it took you this long to figure out that obvious fact?
Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it’s that freak, Cullen.
Yup, it IS that freak Cullen, and I know I’m supposed to hate Mike for calling Wardo a freak, but guess what, Wardo is much WORSE than a mere freak.
Bawla says going out with Mike might ”hurt Jessica’s feelings,” after telling him “if you repeat what I’m saying right now, I will cheerfully beat you to death” and after how much she complains about Mike in the Twilight books, I believe she would.
Of course, this causes Wardo to laugh in his usual assholish manner. Bawla says ”Really, Mike, are you blind?” and Wardo of course uses this as a chance to sing her praises while shitting on Mike – two of his favorite pastimes.
I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be as perceptive as she was, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had had working himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn’t just as difficult for Jessica? It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saw everything.
There are no words for how much I want to break something right now. Wardo, Bawla isn’t “preceptive” just because she noticed that you stopped the van from crushing her and that your eyes change color. Anyone with half a brain would notice either of those things – she only seems “preceptive” because Meyer had to make everyone else dumb as bricks to make Bawla look good in comparison. Hell, Bawla needs Jacob to spoon-feed to her that Wardo’s a vampire, she completely forgets the part of his story that involves werewolves and can’t figure out that the werewolves are real for the longest time, and she can’t even tell the difference between a VHS recording of her mother’s voice and her mother actually calling out for help.
And do I have to laugh again about Bawla being called unselfish? Miss I-Must-Become-A-Vampire-And-I-Don’t-Care-How-Much-It-Hurts-My-Parents-Or-If-It-Starts-A-War-Because-WAAAH-I’ll-GROW-OLD-OTHERWISE is selfless? Miss Change-Me-Into-A-Vampire-On-A-Plane-Even-Though-I’ll-Be-Incapacitated-For-Days-Afterwards-And-Unable-To-Save-Wardo is selfless? Miss Look-What-An-Awesome-Vampire-I-Am is selfless?
And oh yeah, Bawla’s not trying to matchmake for Mike and Jessica out of the goodness of her heart. She’s doing it because she wants to get Mike off her back. Again, if this weren’t Meyer, I’d actually think that Wardo is supposed to be an unreliable narrator who can’t figure out shit about people without his mind-reading.
Mike’s all confused at the idea that Jessica might like him and our selfless Bawla uses this as an opportunity to get away from him.
Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned the idea of Jessica around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of her finding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.
I love how Meyer must emphasize that Jessica is SECOND PLACE to her Sue because she desperately needs all the guys to want Bawla first and foremost even if she doesn’t want them.
She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body—bigger boobs than Bella. A bird in the hand…
He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about Bella,
Yes, he dared to think about BOOBS! GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! (fans herself) I think I might need smelling salts from all this VULGAR talk about BOOBS!
And once again, I love how we’re supposed to think a teenage boy fantasizing about boobs (you know, like a lot of teenage boys do) is so much more VULGAR than Wardo’s fantasies about murder.
but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved either girl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.
Well I’ll agree with Wardo about one thing – Mike DOESN’T deserve Bawla. He’s done nothing to deserve to be tied to such a shallow, whiny, annoying, selfish bint. Mike, you dodged a bullet there – now you and Jessica can go out and have fun together.
And Meyer I have to reiterate again: who is Mike based on? The way both Wardo and Bawla heap so much (completely undeserved) vitriol on him indicates that you’ve got a way-too-personal grudge against whoever you based him on and this is your way of getting petty revenge.
Wardo spends the rest of the day hiding by the school and spying on Bawla through people’s minds. Nothing creepy about that, nope. He points out that he’s ”always glad when Angela Weber was available to look through” and wishes he had a way to thank her
At lunch, he notices through his mind-spying that she frequently looks at the Cullens’ usual table and he thinks that might mean she misses him. Yeah Wardo, not only does she miss you, but she’s already decided that her entire life revolves around you. You’re both pathetic.
He hears that she has plans to go out with her friends and ”I immediately planned my own surveillance” and DEAR GOD MEYER IF YOU HONESTLY DON’T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE!! But there’s a change of plans – Mike asked Jessica out and she said yes, so the girls’ night out will be postponed.
And all I have to say about that is GO MIKE AND JESSICA!
But of course, Wardo still follows Bawla home and scans the woods to make sure Jasper’s ”one-time brother” (see what I mean about how every relationship must become either romantic or familial?) isn’t anywhere around. He says he knows Peter and Charlotte (why do I have a feeling we’re not going to actually see them?) don’t want to cause trouble with the Cullens, but he’s not taking any chances, even though he tells us that he knows he’s ”overdoing it.”
Yeah Meyer, Wardo being aware that he’s “overdoing it” doesn’t make him any less of a creeper. In fact, it makes him MORE of one because he clearly DOES know better but he’s still choosing to be a stalker.
As if she was aware I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when I couldn’t see her, Bella came into the backyard after a long hour indoors.
GAAAAAAHHH!! Wardo, you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to play the victim here. Guess what, it’s NOT FUCKING ROMANTIC to have no life and no pastimes and no means to make you happy when you aren’t tied to your significant other 24/7. It’s even less romantic when you don’t even KNOW the person.
Bawla’s carrying a book and a picnic blanket and Wardo spies on her from the trees as she spreads the blanket out.
Ah—more classics. Sense and Sensibility. She was an Austen fan.
Meyer: “Have I mentioned how SMART Bella is? Look! Look! She’s reading Jane Austen and that means she’s SMART! BE AMAZED AT HOW SMART SHE IS, DAMMIT!”
Yeah, nevermind that in this scene – as we know from Twilight – she’s mentally whining about how one of the lead characters in Sense and Sensibility is named Edward and how she just CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT WARDO! Such a deep analysis of classic lit there.
Ward remembers again that he’s supposed to be mad with thirst for her blood, so there’s a paragraph of him rambling about how the sun makes her smell even better and it makes his throat – you guessed it – burn. He tells us that he didn’t ”read along with her” but that’s only because he ”knew the book.” Even though we rarely see Wardo read anything, he’s totes a classic lit fan, believe Meyer!
Meyer, if you want to brag about how you and your characters read Austen because you’re SO SO SMART, then maybe don’t go around talking about Willoughby being Marianne’s true love and demonstrating how you missed the entire point of the story.
And speak of the devil, Wardo notices Bawla suddenly getting pissed off at the book and he just can’t figure out why. After all, what could possibly be offensive in ”Austen’s overly polite prose”?
Yeah, now I’m even more convinced that Meyer doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Austen’s books can actually be pretty judgmental. For one thing, they often protest how women were treated during the era – to use an example from Sense and Sensibility, the book’s inciting incident is how Mr. Dashwood’s death leaves his second wife and three daughters by that wife nearly penniless because his estate and money go entirely to his son by his first wife. The book is pretty obviously protesting that injustice – it’s far from being “overly polite.”
But as we all know, Bawla gets offended because HOW DARE Austen name one of the lead characters Edward! Didn’t she know it would remind Bawla of the guy she’s obsessed with?
Course, if Bawla actually bothered trying to understand Sense and Sensibility, she’d also see that Marianne’s love for Wiloughby is based on infatuation instead of seeing him for who he really is and after he dumps her and she nearly dies of a serious illness, she realizes how foolish she was to romanticize Wiloughby into the perfect man. In other words, she regrets acting like Bawla – but the difference is that Marianne grows out of it and Bawla doesn’t.
Moving on. Wardo sees Bawla turn to Mansfield Park and only then does he let us know that ”the book was a compilation of novels.” Yeah, even though he told us the cover said Sense and Sensibility earlier. I have a feeling Meyer forgot that Bawla was reading a compilation and quickly stamped on a Band-Aid. Anyway, Wardo follows along with the story until the characters start talking about Edmund Bertram and Bawla gets pissed and slams the book shut again. As we know from Twilight, Bawla is pissed because the name “Edmund” sounds too much like “Edward” and then she starts wondering if there were any names back then that didn’t sound like Wardo’s name.
Yes, in fact, there are. Lots of them, but I wouldn’t expect such a wide reader as Bawla to know that.
So Bawla gives up on reading (just a thought Bawla, but maybe such a well-read person as yourself could try a different book?) and lies down on the blanket. Wardo just can’t fathom why Bawla was so pissed at the book, but then he gets distracted when she falls asleep. He stares creepily at her as she starts ”mumbling in her sleep.” And then he starts a whole paragraph of SIN THINE ASS OFF. Just watch.
I felt an uncomfortable spasm of guilt.
But you’re not gonna STOP being a creeper.
Because what I was doing now was not precisely good, but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as my nightly pursuits.
But again, you won’t STOP being a creeper because Meyer thinks creepers are sexy.
I wasn’t technically even trespassing now—the base of this tree grew from the next lot over--
So you’re still trespassing on the property of whoever owns that lot, idiot.
let alone doing something more felonious. But I knew that when night came, I would continue to do wrong.
OUR HERO, everyone! Of course, it doesn’t occur to him to STOP spying on Bawla – after all, she’s doomed to randomly die if Wardo doesn’t have his eyes on her 24/7!
And he’s OH SO TEMPTED to jump out of the tree and
Yes, I’m supposed to take this book seriously when Wardo is afraid that sparkling is what makes him terrifying.
Bawla says ”Edmund” in her sleep, which freaks Wardo out because OH NOES what if she wasn’t dreaming about him that night she said his name after all? He goes back into Wangst Mode, saying ”Perhaps that had always been the case, and all along her dreams had been filled with Hugh Grant in a cravat” because Meyer wants us to know that she saw the Sense and Sensibility movie too.
Anyway, FEEL SORRY FOR WARDO! WEEP FOR HIM AS HE KEEPS CREEPILY STARING AT BAWLA! NO ONE HAS EVER SUFFERED AS MUCH AS HIM!
The sun starts going down and OH NOES the shadows start creeping over Bawla and ”When the light was gone, her skin looked too pale—ghostly.” She looks almost like a VAMPIRE! So Wardo freaks out even more, letting us know that only her heartbeat reassures him that no, she’s not a vampire.
Can this book possibly get MORE melodramatic?
Anyway, Charlie gets home and Wardo tries reading his mind, only getting vague impressions that something at work might be bothering him and he might be hungry.
I wondered what her mother sounded like—what the genetic combination had been that had formed her so uniquely.
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s getting REALLY irritating to read about how unique and special and amazing and perfect Bawla is every other line.
Charlie’s car wakes Bawla up and IS SOMETHING EVER GONNA HAPPEN? (grinds teeth) She looks around as if she suspects that someone’s spying on her, then she goes inside and Wardo, of course, continues spying on her through the kitchen window. Is Wardo spying on Bawla gonna be the WHOLE CHAPTER??
I heard her discuss her plans to go shopping the following evening with Jessica and Angela, and I refined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stay clear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention of hunting anywhere in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case.
Or you could, you know, ask your people-eating friends to not go to Port Angeles because you have a friend who’s gonna be shopping there tomorrow, but then you wouldn’t have an excuse to keep spying on her.
I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, and smiled at this proof to my theory—yes, she was the caretaker here, too.
Look Bawla, Wardo, Meyer, all of you. Charlie lived alone for SIXTEEN YEARS after his divorce and managed to not die despite not having his teenage daughter around to babysit him. Bawla only declared that she would be in charge of cooking and cleaning because she (and Meyer) compulsively needs to feel like she’s the responsible one
Wardo finally leaves, but not without telling us that he’s gonna be back tonight ”ignoring every ethical and moral argument against my behavior.” Wardo, if the chief of police knew you were spying on his daughter, he’d get a restraining order on you pronto. Course, you’d probably ignore a restraining order anyway.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
(eyes bulge) Wait, what did I just read? I couldn’t have read that right – let me try again.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
No, no, that has to be wrong. Even Meyer can’t be THAT dense.
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
. . .
. . . She really did write that, didn’t she?
. . .
(eyes twitch)
(grinds teeth)
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
DOES MEYER THINK WE’RE ALL IDIOTS?? DOES SHE SERIOUSLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT WARDO ISN’T A PEEPING TOM WHEN HE’S BEEN SPYING ON HER ALL FUCKING DAY AND HE’S BEEN TRYING TO PRY INTO HER MIND SINCE THE MOMENT HE FIRST SAW HER??? HOW FUCKING STUPID DOES SHE THINK HER READERS ARE?? DOES SHE SERIOUSLY EXPECT NO ONE TO REALIZE THAT WARDO’S BEEN BEHAVING WORSE THAN A PEEPING TOM FOR THIS ENTIRE BOOK?? FUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!
(deep breath) I can practically see Meyer giving her critics the finger because she thinks that if she TELLS us Wardo’s totally not a peeping tom, then we’ll all believe it despite the buttload of evidence to the contrary.
I was here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops. I would not treat her so crassly.
Wardo, you seriously have the GALL to say you wouldn’t “treat her crassly” when you’ve been trying to pry into her fucking MIND since Day 1 just because you couldn’t stand the idea that there was a SINGLE SOLITARY MIND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD you couldn’t read?? How the fuck is that NOT “treating her crassly”???
And of course, he shits on Mike for the five thousandth time. No Wardo, I don’t think Mike would break into her house to “leer at her” because contrary to how you think Mike is the scum of the earth and Meyer thinks whoever she based Mike on is the scum of the earth, he seems like a perfectly decent guy who has normal teenage boy fantasies that don’t involve murder.
Is the chapter over? No? Seriously (groans) Okay, fine. Wardo comes home to find the house empty and a note from Emmett that says they’ve all gone to play football and invites Wardo to join them. Of course, since Wardo hates fun and since Bawla’s doomed to die in her sleep if he doesn’t stare at her all night, he writes ”sorry” on the note.
He goes hunting, ”contenting myself with the smaller, gentler creatures that did not taste as good as the other predators” and I’m beginning to think that we’ll have Wardo to blame if mountain lions go extinct.
Then, of course, he rushes back to Bawla’s house because staring at a sleeping person for eight hours is SO entertaining. You know, if I were a rich immortal who didn’t need sleep, I can think of loads of better ways I’d spend my time.
Wardo tells us that Bawla’s not sleeping well and he wonders what kind of nightmare she’s having and GOD I hate this guy.
When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum voice.
Yeah, she does that all the time when she’s awake too. But her mind is SO SO DEEP, believe Meyer!
Only once, when she sighed the words “Come back” and her hand twitched open—a wordless plea—did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.
You really have no life at all, do you?
The next day, the sun is out again, so Wardo can’t go to school (but it totally won’t ruin his perfect record because he’s Wardo!) but that doesn’t stop him from spying on Bawla from the trees and listening in on people’s minds to track her every move. He notes that she seems to be in a bad mood and wonders if she might cancel her plans to go out, ”But being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above her own.”
First off, if Bawla were really so wonderfully unselfish that she’d put her friends’ enjoyment over her own, she wouldn’t go on the trip because her whining and wangsting would sour any outing. Second, YES, WE GET IT! Meyer thinks her self-insert is the most wonderful, most selfless, most giving person in the world, WE FUCKING GET IT!!!
Also, Wardo mentions that she’s wearing a blue blouse that makes her skin ”look like fresh cream.” In another book, I wouldn’t bat an eye at that, but given Meyer’s history of unfortunate implications about skin color, we can add this to the pile.
After school, the girls pile into Jessica’s car for the trip and Wardo heads home, saying ”I could afford to give the girls an hour or so as a head start. It would have been a struggle to follow them, driving at the speed limit—hideous thought” Well I guess you’re not all that dedicated to protecting Bawla since Jessica could crash her car on the way and everyone could die. But hey, I understand, having to drive the SPEED LIMIT is just too big a sacrifice for the girl you supposedly love so much.
I guess driving after Bawla just doesn’t give you the same sick pleasure as breaking into her house to stare at her while she sleeps, does it?
Wardo goes home and says hello to Peter and Charlotte and it’s boring. They have some small talk and then Wardo goes to play the piano and it’s boring. Seriously, I have zero reason to give a shit about Peter and Charlotte, especially since Meyer doesn’t seem to give a shit about them either.
Both the people-eating guests think Wardo is acting strangely and Peter think-talks that living on animal blood might have caused him to go crazy. Of course, Wardo doesn’t go berserk from this because he only cares about Bawla. Any other humans are fair game for vampire food.
Rosalie think-asks why he bothered coming home and I’m wondering the same thing. Esme think-says, ”Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so.” I’m starting to think the reason why her thoughts are so stilted is because she IS a Stepford Wife.
Alice think-wishes him a fun trip to Port Angeles, adding ”Let me know when I’m allowed to talk to Bella.” For the umpteenth time, YOU DON’T NEED WARDO’S PERMISSION TO TALK TO HER!! YOU CAN TALK TO HER NOW! JUST DO IT!!
You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
Yup, I’m with Emmett here. Wardo IS pathetic. And a stalker. And an asshole. And a dickhead. And a peeping tom.
Wardo keeps playing, telling us that ”It was never not distressing to have the girl out of sight” and I can only repeat so many times that he’s dangerously obsessed with her and needs a real hobby.
Jasper tells the guests that if they run into Maria, ”tell her I wish her well” and if you forgot who Maria is, the book reminds us that she’s the one who changed Jasper into a vampire, the one with the racist description of having “Mexican features” despite her pale white skin.
The pointless guests say goodbye and Wardo prepares to leave for Port Angeles to spy on Bawla (but he’s TOTALLY NOT A PEEPING TOM, he’s doing it because he WUVS HER SO MUCH and that makes it okay to be a creeper!).
Rosalie thinks ”Idiot” at him and once again I share her sentiment. Esme thinks Poor boy,” once again sounding like a Stepford Wife. The chapter ends with Wardo getting into his car and driving off, letting us know that ”It was a relief to be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew away under my tires.”
So ends another chapter where nothing happens. Yeah, something will finally happen next time, but it will be infuriating.
The Dunnins in Forks, Part 3: In Which Troy meets the Rest of the Cullens while Ed's Creeping
Date: 2023-03-25 03:22 pm (UTC)Still, as Troy rode his cycle further, he soon came to a stop as he reached the fancy Cullen Residence, which SCREAMED "We're Rich and You Can't Touch Us" to him, and considering he lived in a nice farmhouse in Wales before moving into his dad's starship back in his universe, the young superhero found himself tempted to do some redecoration of the place come Halloween if he was still around at the time. There didn't seem to be any security cameras around, surprisingly- though he supposed they were confident in the location being a bit out of the way to prevent any potential burglars. Still, nothing a few fancy drones couldn't circumvent.
It was then, that the door opened up, revealing most of the Cullens- minus the Wanker, looking ready to play American Football, or maybe Rugby since the uniforms seemed a bit mismatched, and all of them seemed surprised to see Troy there, so, he took off his Helmet, pulled the assignments from under the seat of his bike, and walked over to properly introduce himself with a smile.
"Hi, I'm Troy Dunnin- the school asked me to drop off assignments the lot of you missed," he said to Rosalie as he handed the blonde the stack of assignments, much to her confusion- almost as if she didn't expect to be approached at all. The big guy, Emmet seemed fine with this, while Alice was tilting her head for a moment before frowning at Troy. Jasper though, seemed about ready to attack, before suddenly shrinking back as if sensing something. As for the Parents, Dr. Cullen seemed stunned to see someone at their house, while the mom seemed like her mind was elsewhere.
"Oh, uh... thanks?" Rosalie said after an awkward moment before Emmet spoke up to change the subject- mainly because he was over by Troy's bike, examining it with glee.
"Woah! Sweet bike, what model is it? Is it one not yet public? How'd you get something like this? And what's with the panels on the front and sides? Accents?"
"It's a Custom job Dad and I made together," Troy said, "And it's Solar Powered, the panels collect sunlight and convert it into electricity- it's also one of a kind and not for sale if you're considering getting your own."
"It's kind of tacky to me, like your style," Alice said as she acted like she was trying to whisper but failed, earning a grin from Troy as he told her, "Alice, everyone has different tastes in style, just because you think sci-fi chic is tacky, doesn't mean everyone does."
That earned him a gasp from Esme, and a snort from Rosalie as Troy decided to try something. Yeah, that'd expose him to the Cullens, but considering he had a hunch about them after what he observed, they'd be exposed to him as well. So, he held up his hand, and conjured up an orb of sunlight, causing the group to sparkle a bit- though Emmet wasn't able to notice as he was busy geeking out over the bike and trying to figure out the specs. Alice, seemed to panic while Jasper mumbled a few choice swears under his breath, Rosalie seemed intrigued for a moment before walking over to Emmet to get him in the loop, which led to him letting a "Dude, what?" As for Dr. Cullen and his Wife, well, Esme seemed to shut down mentally while her husband finally asked a question of his own.
"Troy... are... are you a Vampire as well?"
"Nah, I'm half human," Troy answered honestly, earning even more confused looks from the gathered blood-suckers, then again, the sunlight weakness WAS an invention of the Bela Lugosi Dracula as he recalled, though he had no idea why this lot sparkled as he continued to speak, "Also, my dad and I aren't even from this universe, and back home, Mum is technically a Welsh Goddess of Sunlight that didn't get registered because of the Romans or Christian Missionaries reaching Wales- one of the two. So, that means I'm a Demi-God, I guess."
"Fuck," Jasper said, before repeating that word as he scrambled to get away from the group, Alice seemingly having mentally blue-screened along with the Mom and Dr. Cullen.
"Dude, so your dad fucked the Sun?" Emmet said, earning him a slight smack from Rosalie and a nod from Troy. Still, the teen did have to ask a question.
"By the way, where's Edward?" he asked, earning a groan from Rosalie.
"Stalking Bella. Again," she said, earning a glare from Alice and Dr. Cullen, "Hey, don't look at me like that! I'm the only one here who seems worried about Edward exposing our existence because of her, and then us getting destroyed by the Volturi!"
"Rosalie, be qui--," Dr. Cullen ordered, only to be cut off by Emmet sticking up for his so-not-sister now that the secret was out.
"Carlisle, she's right. Besides, Troy's stronger than us anyway considering the Demi-God thing, so this guy does have a right to know about them," he said, earning himself a thankful look from his girlfriend...wife? Totally Wife. Still weird they have to pretend to be high schoolers, but then again, Rosalie and Emmett did look more like College Students.
"Right, so... Volturi?" Troy asked, "What are they, the Vampire Mafia?"
"The Volturi are the ones that are supposed to keep Vampires a secret from the Humans, if a vampire exposes our existence, then that vampire is... removed, and any witnesses removed as well," Dr. Cullen explained, "Though since you're half human.... your father may be allowed to live. I think."
"You do realize that the sparkling could be passed off as Body Glitter, right?" Troy asked, earning more confused looks, "Right, so first day here, I found out about the sparkling when I met Edward, slapped his back, and saw them. Played dumb by asking about body glitter, and after I brought up the Glitter at lunch, a good portion of the school now thinks Edward is either moonlighting as a drag queen, or into men."
"Oh my!" Esme said, not really adding much as Emmet and Rosalie had to stifle laughter, while Alice groaned into her hands "So that's why he's been annoyed lately, and that vision I had of some guys at the school hitting on Edward popped up this morning."
"But, why didn't he tell us?" Esme said, clearly worried, while Troy shrugged.
"No offense, but Edward's a creepy wanker giving off Serial Killer vibes," he said, causing an even more confused look as Emmet translated.
"He's saying Ed's an asshole and his stalking could make someone think he's going to murder Bella."
After a series of "Ohs" was given, and Jasper having fully fucked off back into the house, Troy crossed his arms and looked at the group.
"Anyway, I should be going- I know Ed's a telepath, so he'll probably catch up with you lot later if he's willing to pay attention, though, if any of you want to come over to me and my dad's to hang out, I wouldn't mind it- Emmet and Rosalie seem fun to be around, for sure."
"Why her!?" Alice snapped out as Troy moved to put his helmet on, "She's petty and rude, and... and blonde!"
"My mum's a blonde," Troy said flatly, while Alice flinched as she realized she may have given a weak reason "Besides, Rosalie's got the most sense of all of you since she's worried about Ed's Stalking getting all of you killed, and I would happily like to learn more about her and Emmet as a friend."
"Thank you!" Rosalie said, before taking a stand and adding, "This weekend ok? As long as someone doesn't do anything stupid, I'd be happy to come over and chat. It... actually sounds nice to have an actual friend that won't be considered a relative to chat with."
"Count me in too!" Emmet said, "I got to talk to your dad about your bike, that thing's pretty amazing, and I hate to admit it, but Humans are AWESOME!"
"Emmet!" Dr. Cullen shouted before the big guy chatted back.
"Carlisle, they invented flamethrowers, they can potentially kill us with them considering we burn to a crisp easily, oh, also- if we're so much smarter than them, why haven't WE made cool vampire tech and need to rely on Human stuff? Like, our chess games- we use the human-made version as a base. Do... do we have anything original?"
Dr. Cullen was quiet, and with that, Troy said one last thing before riding off.
"Oh, Dr. Cullen, you work at a hospital, right? Shouldn't you be On Call most of the time in case of an emergency? Probably wouldn't look good if you disappear every Sunny Day when you're needed."
Troy smirked as he rode off to the sound of Swears, gasps, and someone passing out on the ground.
Though, he did have an idea to pull a prank on Edward through his car's radio later, and there was certainly a certain song from Heathers the Musical that would be fun to make the Wanker hear.
Re: The Dunnins in Forks, Part 3: In Which Troy meets the Rest of the Cullens while Ed's Creeping
Date: 2023-03-26 09:00 pm (UTC)And HA, Emmett's right, the vampires don't seem to do anything original or create anything original.
Re: The Dunnins in Forks, Part 3: In Which Troy meets the Rest of the Cullens while Ed's Creeping
Date: 2023-03-26 09:39 pm (UTC)Also, hope Emmett was in character while geeking out over Troy's bike. And Jasper was in character when he decided to fuck off because well, he KNEW something was weird about Troy before the kid revealed what he was.
Also, what do you think Ed might do when he learns there's a Demi-God, and therefore something more powerful than a vampire in Forks?
Re: The Dunnins in Forks, Part 3: In Which Troy meets the Rest of the Cullens while Ed's Creeping
Date: 2023-03-29 07:25 pm (UTC)Re: The Dunnins in Forks, Part 3: In Which Troy meets the Rest of the Cullens while Ed's Creeping
Date: 2023-03-29 08:05 pm (UTC)This book looks like a punishment!
Date: 2023-06-04 12:27 pm (UTC)Madnaps: So, since you could have finished your mission but let the enemy escape, I have to ask for a different favor, one you will not screw up. Tell me... what means do you have in your world to punish evil?
Rose: Imprisonment, beatdowns, firing squad for the worst cases, terrible stories...
Madnaps: Terrible stories? Interesting, very interesting! Tell me a terrible chapter, that might help me out when it comes to punishing criminals... and will also help us both when it comes to saving our friend!
Rose (shows him this chapter): I hope this is enough for you.
I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I could follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her in the minds of lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reacted to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.
Madnaps: You creepy stalking bastard! And you DARE call yourself a hero after this?
Rose: ... weren't you the one who snapped at me because I saved fifteen innocents?
Madnaps: Because you endangered millions by failing the mission! My reason is the Greater Good, what's Edward's?
On Monday, he listens in on ”a conversation that had the potential to destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her truly torturous.”
Rose: Having to root for someone who spies on people's thoughts because of an obsession is truly torturous. I never did that for Finn.
See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle…
Are thoughts like THESE seriously so asinine that they make Wardo joyfully want to murder Mike? Normal teenage-boy-with-a-crush-only-more-squeaky-clean-because-Meyer-can’t-handle-erotic-stuff thoughts?
Rose: What the fuck? These thoughts would ruin your life? Just because someone else has thoughts of loving Bella? Listen here, you little shit, I had lost my sister in battle, I was hated by some Resistance sympathizers who blamed me for Luke's death, and the man I had a crush on only had eyes for our alleged champion who treated him like shit... and yet I kept on living!
Madnaps: And you never wanted to murder her?
Rose: No. I learned to respect the wishes of the man I loved, and we became good friends. Besides, we should talk about Finn and Rey another day, because I have a lot to say about them.
Madnaps: Ooh, I am all ears.
Mike hems and haws, suggesting that maybe they could go to dinner together, and ”The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last week. I wanted so badly to race across the campus, too fast for human eyes—to steal her away from the boy I hated so much in this moment I could have killed him for no reason but to enjoy it.”
Madnaps: You petty little cur! There are many reasons to kill people. When they are rapists, pirates, scar you for life, keep secrets that could save millions of lives for themselves, but them asking a woman you like for dinner IS NOT ONE OF THEM!
Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question out right.
Rose: Mike is too shy to ask the questions because he knows and respects the possibility of Bella saying no, and Edward is watching her sleep. Question for five-year olds: Who is better boyfriend material?
Madnaps: Too easy, let's go.
Also also, since Wardo mentioned being able to run “too fast for human eyes,” this gives me a chance to talk about one of the more minor things in the Twilight books that really bugs me. The Cullens have a lot of fancy, expensive cars and make use of those cars on a daily basis. And yeah, I get the idea of vampires driving places to keep up human appearances, but they REALLY like their cars and enjoy driving them and frequently breaking traffic laws.
Yes, I know it’s because Meyer herself is into cars even though she won’t admit it because she doesn’t think women should be into cars, but if they can really run “too fast for human eyes” without getting tired, why would they give a shit about cars? They can just RUN wherever they want – it seems like being in a car would feel extremely cramped and restraining compared to running at vampire speed.
Rose: So they can show off how superior they are!
Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it’s that freak, Cullen.
Rose: That's the understatement of the century.
And do I have to laugh again about Bawla being called unselfish? Miss I-Must-Become-A-Vampire-And-I-Don’t-Care-How-Much-It-Hurts-My-Parents-Or-If-It-Starts-A-War-Because-WAAAH-I’ll-GROW-OLD-OTHERWISE is selfless? Miss Change-Me-Into-A-Vampire-On-A-Plane-Even-Though-I’ll-Be-Incapacitated-For-Days-Afterwards-And-Unable-To-Save-Wardo is selfless? Miss Look-What-An-Awesome-Vampire-I-Am is selfless?
Rose: Yeah, I think that anyone who is willing to sacrifice anything in the pursuit of power is the opposite of selfless.
Madnaps: Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.
She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body—bigger boobs than Bella. A bird in the hand…
He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about Bella,
Yes, he dared to think about BOOBS! GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! (fans herself) I think I might need smelling salts from all this VULGAR talk about BOOBS!
Rose: You watch Bella sleep and think about how weak she is and how she is essentially a porcelain doll. And are much older than Mike, so you should be more mature! Hypocrite!
Wardo spends the rest of the day hiding by the school and spying on Bawla through people’s minds. Nothing creepy about that, nope. He points out that he’s ”always glad when Angela Weber was available to look through” and wishes he had a way to thank her for being a convenient means of spying on Bawla for being ”one friend worth having” to Bawla. Yeah, Angela who does almost nothing and says almost nothing is deemed “one friend worth having” precisely BECAUSE she does nothing and says nothing.
Rose: So, a good friend to you must be seen and not heard? You sound like a tyrant.
Madnaps: What was that?
Rose: I was talking about Edward.
Ward remembers again that he’s supposed to be mad with thirst for her blood, so there’s a paragraph of him rambling about how the sun makes her smell even better and it makes his throat – you guessed it – burn. He tells us that he didn’t ”read along with her” but that’s only because he ”knew the book.” Even though we rarely see Wardo read anything, he’s totes a classic lit fan, believe Meyer!
Rose: Show, don't tell! It's like if the narrative tells us someone is a hero and the hero simply kicks restrained, defenseless people.
Madnaps: Can we move on?
Yeah, now I’m even more convinced that Meyer doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Austen’s books can actually be pretty judgmental. For one thing, they often protest how women were treated during the era – to use an example from Sense and Sensibility, the book’s inciting incident is how Mr. Dashwood’s death leaves his second wife and three daughters by that wife nearly penniless because his estate and money go entirely to his son by his first wife. The book is pretty obviously protesting that injustice – it’s far from being “overly polite.”
Madnaps: Considering his blind, internalized misogyny, Edward sees nothing wrong with that.
Well I guess you’re not all that dedicated to protecting Bawla since Jessica could crash her car on the way and everyone could die. But hey, I understand, having to drive the SPEED LIMIT is just too big a sacrifice for the girl you supposedly love so much.
Pan: Butting in to say something, because this sentence reminds me of an even worse work of fiction. Specifically, fucking Sonichu, where the author avatar watches not to pass the speed limit to save a kidnapped person, but then he keecaps someone with a gun. Who is based on a real, decent person, mind you.
Priorities! (vanishes)
I wasn’t technically even trespassing now—the base of this tree grew from the next lot over--
So you’re still trespassing on the property of whoever owns that lot, idiot.
let alone doing something more felonious. But I knew that when night came, I would continue to do wrong.
OUR HERO, everyone! Of course, it doesn’t occur to him to STOP spying on Bawla – after all, she’s doomed to randomly die if Wardo doesn’t have his eyes on her 24/7!
Rose: Gimme my blaster, get me behind Edward, and I am going to sin as well.
Madnaps: Wait, blasters hurt vampires?
Rose: Anything related to heat hurts vampires. They are immune to cold, though.
The next day, the sun is out again, so Wardo can’t go to school (but it totally won’t ruin his perfect record because he’s Wardo!) but that doesn’t stop him from spying on Bawla from the trees and listening in on people’s minds to track her every move. He notes that she seems to be in a bad mood and wonders if she might cancel her plans to go out, ”But being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above her own.”
Rose: Now I wish Finny was here to see this.
Madnaps: He has met Bella? How did it go?
Rose: Yeah, I sent him to a planet named Earth by accident, so they met. Finn walked away. Bella didn't.
Both the people-eating guests think Wardo is acting strangely and Peter think-talks that living on animal blood might have caused him to go crazy. Of course, Wardo doesn’t go berserk from this because he only cares about Bawla. Any other humans are fair game for vampire food.
Rose: And he loves her in a very twisted way!
”Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so.”
Madnaps: I love to see him suffering so much. He deserves to go to Hell!
But I certainly would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have.
Rose: I vote for the expression to be changed to "peeping Ed" just for him.
Madnaps: You know, showing me this chapter was your best idea. Looks like we agree on some things entirely!
You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
Rose: That's the best line in this book.
Anyway, now that you seem to have enjoyed roasting the chapter with me, will you provide me the ship I need?
Madnaps: Obviously! You just helped me a lot stop crime!
Rose: You won't force every criminal to read this, right?
Madnaps: (innocent whistle)
Rose: Well, if it saves millions of lives.
Let's go, our friend is waiting!
Re: This book looks like a punishment!
Date: 2023-06-06 05:32 am (UTC)